She also indicated that he doesn't like that I turn my phone tracking off when I go out. I haven't shared my location with her in months; I do share with the boys as does she. I never ask them where she goes (I know anyway lol); to be frank I don't trust her not to snoop and it really is not her business where I go. Not sure how to solve this. (No, I don't have an AP).
My immediate reaction was to think of two options:
1. Tell me more about why I should share my location with more than the boys? (Get curious) OR 2. I don't see a need to share my location given the impending D.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
She then moved the conversation into some of my negative behavior and how it had made her feel devalued, ignored, and like she was not enough for me. Her comments did have validity, and I mostly listened and said little. I think it irritated her that I wouldn't respond to her probing. I did attempt one validating statement: "I'm very sorry that you feel that way." Her response was, "Well, it's nice of you to tell me that NOW," as in angry and not grateful to hear it.
I'm not a huge fan of this specific type of validating statement because to me it sounds like apologizing for how someone else feels. I see it pop up in some sample lists of validation statements and wince. My suggestion is something like "I hear you. It is unfortunate it felt that way". I also guess I wonder what the point is in engaging in some of this marital unpacking now, even with her couching it as "advice for future relationships".
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I admit it was difficult to be lectured to about my faults while she knows that she is in her second affair in a year. I am not sure why she feels she is morally superior, but it's clear she does. "I want you to be happy. This advice will help you in your next relationship. Most women won't put up with this," she said.
Reckless speculation on my part but often when affairs are involved, I understand the "offending" partner can deal with a fair amount of guilt and/or shame. I could see it manifesting as her trying to justify her behavior by looking for ways you "made" her do it. I doubt she feels morally superior.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I was sorely tempted to call her out but did not.
I'm glad you did not. What purpose would it serve? No point poking the bear at this point. Depending how you feel about it, you may say something like "I'm doing a lot to continuously improve myself for me, our son, and any future partners. I hope I can similarly well-intended feedback at some point". Of course you could leave that last part out so it doesn't seem like tit for tat. You could also say something like, "Going forward, if I'm looking for feedback, I'll ask for it" if you want to shut this down because you don't feel like it adds value for you.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
She piled on the guilt very heavily. "You made me feel really bad about myself." Of course, there are those here who would say I couldn't make her feel anything. The superpower nobody has. Indeed, there were times I tried to make her feel better about herself, but it didn't work. So I could make her feel bad but not the opposite?
Well put. Our MC told W at one point that "Nobody has power over you unless you give it away". Perhaps your feedback could be, "I hope that going forward we'll both be able to acknowledge our contributions to relationship challenges and be committed to finding solutions with our partners that enhance relationships". Or, you just continue to roll with these conversations and ride them out with validating statements and/or curiosity.
It stinks to be on the receiving end of these conversations. We know we've had better times with our Ws. At this point, negative sentiment override has taken over that we can only influence through work on ourselves. Show, not tell, how much better of a person we are and continue working to be. From where I'm sitting Sun, you're doing as well as possible. You could cut them off by saying you're uncertain that they're productive and would like to discontinue revisiting the "bad times". You can ask for feedback if/when you want it, rather than receiving it unsolicited if you'd prefer not to.
I hope you'll get a better night's rest, Sun. Again, from what you described you did great.
