Do you mean me or H battling with pride and emotions? Or both. Can you elaborate a bit on what weapons I do have? I'm not quite clear what you mean here.
Both parties have an internal battle. However, I am more focusing on your battle here.
The LBS has to find their way with accepting the situation, letting go of their ego, detaching, crafting and enforcing boundaries, and so on. These are difficult. For most folks these principles have not been utilized or lived so far. And one’s emotions are stirred and pressing.
The most important battle is against one’s very self. In heartbreak, people will do the very thing that is not in their best interest. A couple of examples. The LBS try to profess their love, have R-talks, and such, which brings their partner’s focus solely upon them instead of allowing their partner to focus/feel the marriage/situation/their pain, etc. Such attempts from the LBS reinforces and amplifies within the leaving spouse their justifications and reasons for wanting to exit. The leaving spouse needs to feel the loss, before they will feel something different. The LBS will wander down memory lane, snoop, stalk their partner on social media, and such. Keeping themselves on the shelf and suffering.
There are stages or milestones for the LBS. Detaching, finding indifference, letting go of the rope, letting go of fear, withdrawal, and so on. I think the withdrawal stage best highlights the LBS’ suffering and their weapons, and is applicable to their entire journey.
Along with these LBS’ stages/milestones, there is the grief process. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Both journeys do somewhat progress together.
Basically, the LBS is addicted to their spouse. We mourn and suffer, look up what our spouse is doing on FB, watch for signs, mind read and try to find some movement towards their return. The loss of romantic love, especially when ripped away, has a similar effect upon brain chemistry as withdrawal of heroin/opioids. Our heartache, our suffering, is our brain screaming for that feel good chemical that once flowed so freely.
Our “bad” habits - looking at old pictures, listen to messages, finding reasons to contract them, and such - is us getting a “fix”. It’s putting off the pain of withdrawal. And it sets back our progress.
Our weapons is our intellect. Our logic and reason and willpower. And at times blind determination and faith in those that have gone before. Because, and I can attest, the LBS in the midst of this will not feel like doing what they should.
Ah, intellect. Our realm of direct and conscious control. We can rationalize. We can look at things when calm and see with logic and reason. We can control our thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Utilizing our weapons. Sword and shield. Firstly, defence. That shield is broad. Your mind is keen, you read lots, and get lots of advice. Force, and yes force, yourself to deflect attacks and such. Both external and internal. Your own mind can and will be so very demanding. Remember, this is a battle.
Our swords are sharp. Honed by logic and reason. You know and understand the path, the pains, the reasons, the course to take. Cut through that which holds you back. Cut those ties that bind. Break the self imposed shackles of imprisonment.
Remember, answer do come when one is calm. Patience is a much needed tenet to acquire. So, when one is calm and at peace, think and rationalize your course. What is in your best interests? Mull over the advice read and received. What resonates? What speaks to you? Does it “intellectually” make sense? Does it morally and spiritually make sense? How do you feel about it?
Realize, at the beginning one is pretty mixed up. Our emotions are never the best measuring stick for life’s major decisions. However, during this time, most definitely they have a high probably of leading one in a less than optimal direction. Realize this. Know this. And take purposeful premeditated logical actions to thwart such.
Write down your rationalized and purposeful steps and directions. Write down what you should and will do when those feelings come a calling. For example, when feelings like seeing what spouse is doing on FB, I’ll go for a run instead. Refer and enact those. It’s a battle! And you are not weaponless!
I find writing has a sense on permanence about it. And having written - taken the time, effort, and investment of energies to do such - keeps me more accountable to myself.
A good yardstick of being healed and having found acceptance is when one’s thoughts, beliefs/convictions, and feelings are in alignment.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
Act 'as if'? What does that mean?
“Act as if” is the precursor to being. To sincerely be, as you could first only act.
Act as if your spouse’s leaving is ok.
Act as if you have a great life.
Act as if you are ok, and will be ok.
And so on.
Because, and this is the big part, because - You will be!
We can control our thoughts and actions. And through those thoughts and actions, influence “all” aspects of our lives. If you sit and pine away, you will promote and encourage that, and end up with same. If you act differently, you’ll be different.
“Acting as if” does seem to be disingenuous at first. However, it really is one’s desire of betterment they are enacting. A sincere step towards and of genuine self improvement.
Hope that helps.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
