1 month in, still lost - MLC, OW, WAS

[MistyDD]

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! I have read the other chapters too but not in as much depth. Much of this work I'd already done over the prior 6 months of trying to save it so I'm further along the path than I'd realised.

On Infidelity, p.214 talks about When He Won't End The Affair
It mentions that people will call me a doormat (nearly all do!) and to trust my instincts. That I'm in for a tough battle with pride and emotions getting in the way and that it will take courage, stamina and blind determination. My friends are quite annoyed with me not following their advice so I'm being very selective in who I tell that I'm following DB.

Yes, there is a battle with oneself, with their pride, with their emotions. However, you are not weaponless in all this. Intellect. Rationalizing. Logic and reason are your sword and shield in this situation. Cleaving negative feedback loops and deflecting baiting arguments as a couple of examples. Keep your sword sharp and your shield bright.

Do you mean me or H battling with pride and emotions? Or both. Can you elaborate a bit on what weapons I do have? I'm not quite clear what you mean here.

It is wise to be selective with whom you share DB with. For me, I told my closest supportive friends of my desire to save my marriage. To stand. I let them know I understood how they may not quite get my desire. And I asked them, even with not fully understanding my choice, to help me hold to my path. To not work to dissuade me. To support me when I falter.

I've only shared it with one family member who understands, everyone else gets annoyed I'm not just giving up and letting him go

Remember, the LRT’s purpose is to put a stop to the destructive dynamics of your present marriage and situation. It does not fix the underlining issues and causes.

I've fixed the underlying issues as best I can. Whether he can ever truly forgive me for past issues is another matter but I cannot control how he feels about them. We no longer discuss it and I refuse to be blamed or guilt tripped over it anymore. I'm trying to do the same for him and have started biting my tongue when I want to blame his actions for the obvious pain that the children are suffering.

The LRT is basically 180’s on steroids. And is for, well, a last resort. When our spouse has filed for divorce, physically separated, have basically nothing to do with each other, and such. From your posts, I don’t believe your situation is at that level of dire.

I would say the “Experiment and Monitor Results” would be more apt. Step five of the seven steps.

He's due to be moving out next month so we're very close to physical separation. I'm not pushing him out though. If he wants to stay longer, would it be in my interests to agree? Or best to have a bit of space to let him feel the weight of his loss? Everyone is pushing me to get him out as it's confusing for the children and bad for my mental health.

I also think that your situation will benefit from “Ask for What You Want”. I mean there is benefit from all chapters/steps, just that your H sounds/seems more receptive than most that arrive here. Letting him know, also instils within him, a wee feeling that it is possible. Something his prejudices and life experiences is telling him otherwise.

He knows exactly what we need to succeed. We've both discussed it in depth. Clearer communication, him to talk about feelings, him to help with budgeting and meal planning (he's doing meal planning now). Me to cook more, have the kitchen cleaned, listen better and not interrupt and not place too high expectations on him and let him be relaxed at home.

However he is not interested in working on the marriage at all anymore, he believes it's too late. Says he's 'made his bed and has to lie in it'.

A big thing in all this, is you’re not manipulating H. You’re giving him time and space. Being clear and direct. And letting the chips fall as they will.

He did say a lot could happen in 5 months but I think he was more thinking that the OW might decide she doesn't want him after all, not that we could reconcile. What should I be clear and direct over though. I told him he has a choice and his decision isn't irreversible but that means he knows I'd take him back and that takes the power away from me with no reason for him to improve/chase/see me as the prize.

Unfortunately, at 45, and with H’s behaviours, there is a likelihood of a problematic midlife transition, or even a crisis. Hoping it’s only the former.

The more I read about MLC, the more I think this is more of a transition. I don't see a lot of the MLC unhappiness manifesting, he's never said our marriage was bad or that he didn't love me, isn't rewriting history to that extent.
It seems to me that the OW has awakened a longing for his lost youth and a time of fun and less responsibility. However he's still doing all he can for his kids and is still looking out for me and not being too financially controlling (he even bought me boots the other week as an unexpected gift).

Still, your path is pretty much the same. Limit pressure. Give time and space. Focus on you. GAL. Act as if. All to take the focus off of you and allow H time to see his pains and problems instead of blaming and projecting them upon you.

Act 'as if'? What does that mean?

Thanks again, much appreciated, Misty