1 month in, still lost - MLC, OW, WAS

[DnJ]

Good Morning Misty

I’m glad you read DR and those three sections resonated with you.

If you re-read the responses on your thread, they likely will resonate differently than at that first reading.

On Infidelity, p.214 talks about When He Won't End The Affair
It mentions that people will call me a doormat (nearly all do!) and to trust my instincts. That I'm in for a tough battle with pride and emotions getting in the way and that it will take courage, stamina and blind determination. My friends are quite annoyed with me not following their advice so I'm being very selective in who I tell that I'm following DB.

Yes, there is a battle with oneself, with their pride, with their emotions. However, you are not weaponless in all this. Intellect. Rationalizing. Logic and reason are your sword and shield in this situation. Cleaving negative feedback loops and deflecting baiting arguments as a couple of examples. Keep your sword sharp and your shield bright.

It is wise to be selective with whom you share DB with. For me, I told my closest supportive friends of my desire to save my marriage. To stand. I let them know I understood how they may not quite get my desire. And I asked them, even with not fully understanding my choice, to help me hold to my path. To not work to dissuade me. To support me when I falter.

This path, these decisions, were made in moments of calm and rational thought. Times when my emotions were not tarring me apart, or leading me to other paths.

This is what I keep being told and I'm trying so very hard to listen but the DR book seems a little tricky to follow in this regard. Last Resort Technique says to stay loving and the Infidelity section covering 'when he won't end the affair' says to trust my instincts and be better than the OW at what he feels is missing. He's not got physical contact with the OW as she's away till May and they've not yet had sex (which was always the most satisfactory part of our marriage and something H always said was perfect.)

Remember, the LRT’s purpose is to put a stop to the destructive dynamics of your present marriage and situation. It does not fix the underlining issues and causes.

The LRT is basically 180’s on steroids. And is for, well, a last resort. When our spouse has filed for divorce, physically separated, have basically nothing to do with each other, and such. From your posts, I don’t believe your situation is at that level of dire.

I would say the “Experiment and Monitor Results” would be more apt. Step five of the seven steps.

Of course, there are four prior steps. Which need to be worked on. And they are in an order for a reason. Step one, Start with a Beginners Mind is really important to limit our prejudices and life experiences from colouring the actions and decisions. Like I said, DB is pretty counterintuitive at first.

I also think that your situation will benefit from “Ask for What You Want”. I mean there is benefit from all chapters/steps, just that your H sounds/seems more receptive than most that arrive here. Letting him know, also instils within him, a wee feeling that it is possible. Something his prejudices and life experiences is telling him otherwise.

A big thing in all this, is you’re not manipulating H. You’re giving him time and space. Being clear and direct. And letting the chips fall as they will.

Unfortunately, at 45, and with H’s behaviours, there is a likelihood of a problematic midlife transition, or even a crisis. Hoping it’s only the former.

Still, your path is pretty much the same. Limit pressure. Give time and space. Focus on you. GAL. Act as if. All to take the focus off of you and allow H time to see his pains and problems instead of blaming and projecting them upon you.

Have a great day my friend.

D