1 month in, still lost - MLC, OW, WAS

[MistyDD]

Update: I kicked H back to the sofa on Monday night, went to sleep in my bedroom (small house, sofa is 10 feet from my bed) and was about to doze off only to find him looming over me to give me a kiss and cuddle goodnight. He slept very badly - he has a bad back and is not used to sleeping alone.

Tuesday night as I was heading out to meet friends he was dozing in my bed whilst the kids watched tv. I offered to put the light out and told him just to stay there and catch up on sleep. One of his main complaints about our marriage was that he felt too pressured by me to do tasks round the house even when exhausted and despite me telling him to sit down and relax. So I've been trying to make it clear that I've no expectations of him now that we're not together.

He insisted he was going to get up anyway and make the kids lunches for school the next day. I then went out. When I came home he was still asleep in my room so I sent the kids to bed and settled down on the sofa. He awoke in the night and went to the loo but didn't offer to switch places. We were both then awake at 4.30 and he asked again if I wanted my bed back so I went to it and he also stayed in it. Hugged me, caressed my head, wrapped me up in blankets and tucked me in like a child. He was worried I'd not been eating for a few days so went to make me boiled egg on toast and hot chocolate whilst also cleaning the kitchen and prepping our evening meal. He then sat chattily telling me all about stuff going on at work so I listened and showed interest.

Yesterday was a breakthrough for me in not sending him any messages but today he was quite chatty and checking in on me. I ended up sending him a couple of messages in the style of the 12 word hero trigger texts thanking him for breakfast.

Then I got a call from school saying my 11 year old's poor behaviour has escalated to the point that he's likely to be sent home for a few days. He's been taking photos and videos in class, uploading stuff online he shouldn't, being rude (he's under ASD/ADHD assessment) and other parents have complained about his language and bullying other children.

I'm struggling so badly now, I'm angry at H this afternoon for putting us through this and being in denial that his decision to leave us has caused a spiral in both our children.

The DR book arrived and fell open at the 'Last Resort Technique' section. It sounds like this is relevant to me as H has been adamant that he wants to leave and be with the new woman. We are telling people that we are separated, sleeping in separate rooms but not distant, there's still communication and affection. I've stopped sexual contact since he's still in a relationship with another woman but I'm unsure about letting him stroke me head, hug me, rub my feet etc. The LRT suggests being loving but how far does this go?

I've done the rest of the LRT suggestions, stopping the chase, no more sending him memes or marriage stuff, just messages of appreciation when he's done something I think should be acknowledged. No other messages unless about kids/domestic stuff. I wrote him a letter of appreciation the other day and he loved that but I won't do any more.

I'm also following GAL and going out as much as possible, to the pub with friends, using free gym passes. Cooking at home again and H suggested a family meal at the table Friday so I'm happy to go along with that.

I'm now making changes, trying to GAL and in wait and watch mode to see if any of it makes a difference. He does already seem to be taking a bit more of an interest in me and is certainly more concerned about me.