1 month in, still lost - MLC, OW, WAS

[Sunflyer]

Thing is, we weren't unhappy, I thought we were stronger than we'd been in years. He has some underlying issues of not feeling happy and relaxed at home as he felt I was always expecting him to do stuff even when he was exhausted. A simple conversation could have resolved that!

This is very common. Unsuspecting spouse thinks everything is great; meanwhile, the other one has dissatisfaction bubbling under the surface but would rather avoid than discuss. Or they will say, "You should have known I had this problem."

I'm sorry to hear that and I'm hoping that the changes you see in yourself are positive ones.
It's been almost a year since I first started having suspicions about the friendship.
9/10 months since I first accused him of having an affair.
7 months since they admitted their feelings for each other and 6 months since he told me he'd fallen out of love with me and didn't have feelings for me anymore.
So it's been BD after BD.

Definitely positive changes! I have hope where I didn't before (not for my marriage, but for me). That I know I can come through this. That there's so much I can still do with my life. That I am special and worthy of better than my wife has been giving me.

I'm sorry you have gone through everything you have. I know how much it hurts as I've been there too.

Ahh, this is where I'm finding it so hard!! He's acting like he wants me to chase him and tell him how much I love him and only him and that I'm devastated by the loss of him. Which will be boosting his ego as he's got two women chasing after him. I've been thinking he needs to know how much I still want him, otherwise the OW seems the obvious (only) option. But it seems in doing that, I'm only devaluing myself.

I felt that if I backed off and acted like I don't want him, this justifies his decision. But actually when I was pulling back from him, he seemed more upset and more like he was doubting himself.

Misty

Have you heard the monkey analogy? "The monkey never lets go of the branch it's on until it has another one that will support it."

He "love bombs" you, especially if the OW is not available to him for a time. When she is available again, back to her he goes. It's manipulation, because he is afraid of the consequences you might bring down on him, so he plays with your emotions and tries to get you to feel like you can't stand to be without him.

Backing off can make an impact. When I closed down all but essential communication with my wife, and started being out of the house to take time for myself regularly, she started suspecting that I was having an affair/relationship with someone else! She asked me about this, and I told her nothing. Let her think what she wants. And I think she finds it odd that I don't pry into her affairs more. I think she might be wondering about damage control and what I might be saying to other people.

You will see this discussed in the Divorce Remedy book. Sometimes when you back off and GAL (get a life), the other spouse starts to notice that you might be okay moving on without them and they suddenly take notice.