The hard truth M is that you enable your w. Whether that's for your kids, or for your sanity.. there is a part you play in the story.
Yes, you're right. For years I played fixer: drove her to get her car the next day, soothed her when she recounted embarrassing stories from the night before, and of course the big one: drank late into the night with her many times. I would go home early to relieve the babysitter so she could stay out and drink, believing the excuse "I've been with the kids all week, I need to get away." This is where garden-variety alcoholic enabling and DB'ing intersect: the more I enabled and was a pushover, the more she began to lose respect for me. I spent too many years playing peacekeeper.
For a while now I've stopped that behavior. I don't go out with my wife, ever. Haven't for at least 6 months. But I still allow her to take advantage. When I schedule time with the kids, she schedules time to drink.
Her family is the same: all either drinkers or enablers. I chastised her mom about this three months ago. A month after DDay I scheduled time on a Saturday to plan a hunt at a friend's house. W took our kids to her brother's for a birthday party and then scheduled a babysitter to watch the kids after the party so she could watch football (and drink). She texted me to ask when I would be home so she could tell the sitter. I simply replied I was not relieving the babysitter that night and that she needed to be home for the sitter.
Well, W threw a fit so her mom took our kids for a sleepover. This enabled my W to stay out and drink until 2am. I ripped into her mom for this.
All this points back to the D conversation. Truth be told, she would exist in this current world indefinitely. I am responsible and she gets to mess around.
That's where the action part comes in. I've removed my time and attention, but if a W doesn't value those it feels more like a relief than a loss. So you're left with D. And each day that I plan for it, I feel less afraid. I would go so far as to say at this point that any fear I have left is for my kids, not myself.
