This is so, so important and for me is the core of DB. Keep repeating what DnJ said to yourself: "You don’t want to be plan B. You are the prize!"
He's going to make you feel guilty, like all of what he did was your fault. You know better. You may have made mistakes, developed bad habits, whatever. But there's another thing people say around here: You don't have the superpower of controlling how someone else feels. You can't make him be unhappy or have an affair. He could have made better choices that could have taken him out of the thicket of unhappiness. Better ways to deal with the marital problems. But he chose what he chose; you didn't hold a gun to his head.
Oh absolutely! Thing is, we weren't unhappy, I thought we were stronger than we'd been in years. He has some underlying issues of not feeling happy and relaxed at home as he felt I was always expecting him to do stuff even when he was exhausted. A simple conversation could have resolved that!
He also blamed me for the affair saying my complaints about the inappropriate friendship made him cross as he didn't believe the OW was interested in him. So because he was annoyed at me, he spent more time with her and messaged her even more! I said to him 'Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds? That instead of listening to his wife's feelings and putting her first or even introducing his wife and his 'work best friend' to prove that there was nothing in it, he decided to get even closer to the OW!!'
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I am eight months out from BD. My wife is in her second affair in a year. I can promise you that if you follow the advice you are receiving, your outlook will change drastically no matter what happens with your H. I am having thoughts about myself and my future that I wouldn't have dreamed I'd be having eight months ago, when I felt crushed. When I think back even further, to the man who married my wife all those years ago, it's almost like I don't recognize him.
I'm sorry to hear that and I'm hoping that the changes you see in yourself are positive ones. It's been almost a year since I first started having suspicions about the friendship. 9/10 months since I first accused him of having an affair. 7 months since they admitted their feelings for each other and 6 months since he told me he'd fallen out of love with me and didn't have feelings for me anymore. So it's been BD after BD.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
That's the way to do it! You deserve a man who wants only you in his life. Right now, he is not that man. Not treating him like he is will be better for your mental health and make him realize you aren't about to plead for this attention that he suddenly claims is so important.
Ahh, this is where I'm finding it so hard!! He's acting like he wants me to chase him and tell him how much I love him and only him and that I'm devastated by the loss of him. Which will be boosting his ego as he's got two women chasing after him. I've been thinking he needs to know how much I still want him, otherwise the OW seems the obvious (only) option. But it seems in doing that, I'm only devaluing myself.
I felt that if I backed off and acted like I don't want him, this justifies his decision. But actually when I was pulling back from him, he seemed more upset and more like he was doubting himself.
