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[DnJ]

Nine days ago my cousin took his own life. And like is the usual no one suspected he was hurting so. Suicide is truly a silent killer.

His wife found him in the garage. She, understandably, was right out of her mind for several days. He leaves behind his Mom and brother; both are equally shocked.

Christmas was good. New years was good. Heck, even the day previous he renewed a subscription for three years as it was a better deal, than one year.

I am grieving. It’s interesting to see myself getting mad at him for leaving. And to imagine other reasons or explanations for the scene in the garage. I find the bargaining stage out of all of them, the most positively influenced by reason. Anger and depression are more a slog. Still can be influenced, just more feelings to acknowledge and work through.

The required process of autopsy and authenticating the cause of death, is prolonged due to this province’s deplorable health care state. We were told, my cousin is at least three weeks until the corner can look at him. So three weeks with no answers, no announcement in the paper, no funeral, etc. Bit of a limbo for the immediate family members.

My cousin left no will, and the house was only in his name. This is causing his widow a lot of extra stress. The courts are going to have to get involved in ownership transfer which is much more prolonged than the health system.

Poor gal.



This new came to me a week ago Saturday morning. I was at my son and DIL’s place helping them with a frozen septic stack. It was bitterly cold, somewhere around -30C, and the main roof stack/vent of the septic system froze in the snow storm a couple of days prior.

We climbed on to the roof and poured RV antifreeze - the stuff for the RB water piping for winter storage, it’s good to -50C - down the stack. The blockage was easily seen down the pipe, being just below the roof. A few minutes, and a bit of poking at the ice, and the antifreeze did its job. The snow and ice turned to slush and fell in, returning the stack to fresh breathing.

It’s the occlusion of the stack that is so problematic. It causes a vacuum on the system. Toilets don’t flush correctly, and sinks don’t drain well. You can hear gurgling and such coming from sinks as the flushing water causes a vacuum which draws and drains sink traps in its need for air. These now dry traps allow septic gases to seep into the house through the sinks. Septic gases are dangerous and don’t smell good at all. Such was the case for son and DIL.

Anyhow, with the system breathing again. Son and I scampered into the attic to investigate the stack piping. We found the stack was not straight up from the house. For some reason, and there really is no reason, the builder/plumber jogged the stack over about three feet and then went through the roof. There is nothing in the way preventing just going straight up, so it is a little bewildering as to why.

There is also a resizing coupler to go to a bigger stack pipe through the roof. This is a wise thing for our climate, as a bigger pipe diameter means it’s more difficult to block it with snow and ice. However, the two 45 degree connectors to make the jog were small sized, and the resizing couple came right after the topmost 45. Producing a nice congested spot for moisture and such to congregate.

Which brings us to insulation. The pipes were insulated, except the resizing coupling. WTF. An uninsulated pipe section. In this climate. So the worse spot along the run, and it’s not insulated.

So we got some insulation and I handed supplies to son in his cramped location, as he wrapped and tied a coupe of layers of insulation around the stack. I let him crawl into through the attic and the itchy insulation. With the stack all wrapped up, it should be ok now.


While visiting son and DIL, they told me about a visit from Mom/XW a week before. They had questions as well, and the news of cousin’s suicide brought some emotional stirring.

(As told to me by son and DIL)

A week into the new year and XW has been pestering them to come and see their new house. It sounded like Mom wanted to come and see the place and have a visit. Talk about their lives, work, and such. Alas, no.

XW and OM drove the three hours to their house. OM decided not to come inside and dropped off XW. He then went off somewhere until XW called for him to pick her up.

Her visit lasted two hours. The first few minutes was showing her around the house. As my kids said, a very quick tour. Mom didn’t actually seem all that interested. (If you recall, she had a disinterested minutes long visit to my other son’s place as well.) The kids’ have a big brand new house, and it takes a good while to just walk around from room to room. With a bit of observing here and there it would stretch out the tour to 15-30 minutes.

An interesting note from DIL. In the kitchen, DIL had the slow cooker going, she was brewing a seasonal cider drink. Lots of delicious smells of spices and such. XW asked what was in the cooker. DIL, told her. Showed her. XW quickly and superficially made some agreeing comments.

Now the kitchen is in the 20 foot main open concept areas, along with fireplace, sitting area, dining room, and floor to 12 foot ceiling windows. Every time they passed by, XW asked what was in the slow cooker. Four times! She was not paying attention to anything the kids said. A fact that quickly became apparent.

Mom/XW came with an agenda. She was not there for a nice visit and to see how their lives are going. And she certainly was not there to share anything about her life.

She asked to sit down and talk. And then tore into them for two hours.

XW told them, she sees that those two are always the first to leave from visits with her. They don’t like OM. And they have to get over it. XW’s words were fast and without pause. There was no back and forth, no pauses for replies or reflection.

She was there to attack them. And she did!

XW brought DIL to tears. DIL told me that XW sat there, stone faced, not showing any care or concern for her or son’s feelings. Everything was about her, about XW.

She told them to treat OM better. Even saying “you can hate me, but OM is a nice guy and has done nothing wrong”.

Son and DIL did stand up for themselves as well. Both telling her, that they do not approve of her choices or morals. And do not like being around such. Grandkids were brought up, and they told her plainly that they both are not bringing their kids to visit her or OM. Her life style is that abhorrent to them. Neither would want what XW did to me, done to them. They choose who they invest their time with.

XW kept at it. Confusing reasoning. Wildly misremembering events. She even brought me into her blasting.

XW told them, that they, the kids, all protected and stood by Dad (me). And they should have protected her!!!

What?!?

Son and DIL, we’re like WTF? You left! You did this! You caused it! Protect you? What the…

XW basically told them, what she did she did out of true love and therefore it’s ok.

Anyhow, eventually XW called OM and she left.

Son and DIL talked for the week and are sure of their stance on things. They live and love their life. Have good values. And are likely, actually planning, not to see Mom/XW for quite some time.

XW’s attempts to manipulate them was so obvious. I found out XW was (and is) working the siblings against one another. Driving wedges in between them. This really has DIL upset. XW lashed out at DIL, telling her she should be more like other son’s GF.

Anyhow, the kids and I had a conversation. I let them talk and share their feelings and reasoning. I reinforced that they had rights and I, XW, and others only have privileges regarding them. They have rights to their privacy. I or XW have privileges extended from them to visit and be part of their lives.

XW’s privileges are being curtailed. Which we discussed is part of healthy boundaries. Disrespectful behaviour should not tolerated. You cannot control the other person. However, you can certainly control yourself and your action/reaction to such. Removing oneself and/or limiting contact is a reasonable course. (Sheesh. Such attacking, and in their house too. What a crock!)

We talked about soulmates vs respect. And which better fosters a long lasting healthy relationship/marriage. They both see Mom acting like a teenage girl.

Son said it’s so gagging to see Mom/XW. She thinks she is so good. The manner in which she dispenses life and relationship advice. He just shook his head. She not employed. Does not own or rent her house or accommodations. She just lives with OM. In fact, if OM were drop dead, she’d be in big trouble. She’s there by the charity of him. So, real good role model for life. Not!

Forgiveness and accountability was also discussed. They can let go, forgive XW; while holding her accountable for her actions. Forgiving someone for being a jerk, doesn’t mean they aren’t a jerk. Just that you aren’t held down by it.

Anyhow, nothing we’ve not seen or discussed before. Except the current suicide stuff. What if XW killed herself? I told them, you cannot control XW/Mom. You should not live your lives like hostages or some such. Find good strong values, which you both have, and live them. Let the chips fall where they will. People in your lives will be there because they, and you, want them to be.

It was sure one heck of a weekend.

D