Using “but”, you’re telling your mind, reinforcing the idea, that these are contrasting and do not, cannot, exist together. That is one of the bigger hurdles in why folks have trouble with finding forgiveness, IMO. Both can exist, and need to exist, together, for forgiveness to flourish.
I can see the logic here but I feel I have a long way to go. It is a goal nonetheless.
Tuesday was 4 months since dday and I am certainly more centered and grounded now than I was back then. I admit there are still moments when I can't believe this all happened and continues to happen, and I am not out of the woods with regard to emotional flooding. Last week I found myself crying in private at the pain this sitch will likely inflict on my kids. I remain detached and will look for any opportunity to get out of the house and socialize. Yesterday my D6 went to a friend's house for a playdate and the friend's parents offered to bring her home when it was over. After I wrapped work I headed over to their house instead to hang out with these parents (I like them, good people). When I told W I was leaving she scoffed and rolled her eyes: "What? Why? They said they would bring her home." I didn't say anything and left her sitting on the couch starting at her phone.
I know the alien metaphor is helpful to some folks and I have leaned on it occasionally myself. However I also accept that the MR I once had (or thought I had) is dead. I take responsibility for the lack of leadership and assertiveness I showed in the past and can now see how I let my W get away with behaviors that caused her to lose respect for me. I accept that W made her own choices and I cannot fix her.
Part of the struggle for me even before dday is that W was creating this world in which she was cool, fun, and social and I was uptight and controlling. She called me a "narc" more than once in front of others and I'm sure behind my back. I do acknowledge that as her behavior became more out of control, I criticized and judged her for partying and that was interpreted as controlling. But the reality is quite different IMO. I love to socialize and meet new people. I do it all day long for work and love putting myself in situations where I don't know many people because you never know when you'll meet a new friend. In my view W conflates "being social" with drinking alcohol - she wants to be around people who want to drink, that's all. She has set the bar low. Without alcohol she won't socialize much outside of our families. Now I cringe thinking of her lifestyle over the last few years: a married mother of 3 staying out at dive bars until close, getting wasted. When we were first married she used to talk about how glad she was that we had found one another and that her bar days were over, and how sad it was to see anyone over 30 staying out late. She has become that person.
GAL this weekend: outdoor convention w the kids and a friend on Friday, spending Saturday outside with another family, kids sports on Sunday. I need to weave in some "me" time - maybe that will just be a little quiet reading at some point. Keeping up with these kids can drain me!
