My husband of 19 years (partner of 23) left me just before Christmas to go and be with a woman 10 years younger that he met at work. We're both 45. (MLC alert!)
Backstory, he's known her maybe 18 months or so. Has worked closely with her brother for a few years. She was temping in the same workplace and they became friends. A year ago they added each other on SM and WhatsApp and began messaging. OW came on my radar about the same time but it was March/April before I realised something was getting out of hand. Accused him of an affair twice and got laughed at and he convinced me the flirty messages were just banter and I didn't understand the context. I kept an eye but didn't realise how bad it was getting. I know my DH can't understand hints or nuances in messages so really didn't see the OW blatantly flirting and chasing him. Until it was too late. He is (was) always very loyal, loving, trustworthy and honest and everyone is shocked that he could actually do this.
Ironically he says my upset at what he thought then was just an innocent friendship and my arguing over it actually drove him to spend more time together with her. I basically pushed him into her arms.
She left his workplace in July and by this point they had strong feelings and had admitted it to each other. He then told me he'd fallen out of love with me because of all the arguing over the 'friendship' (passing blame!) and I spent 5 months trying desperately to fix it. OW then returns at Christmas, he takes the first opportunity to go and see her, behind my back. I throw him out and he's in a new relationship the very next day.
I've got two heartbroken kids aged 11 and 13 who found out on Christmas Eve dad was leaving for someone else. He spent a week or so living in hotels and is now back home whilst we sort out the finances for him to move out. We don't own our home and he'll be moving into a room in a shared house.
He tells me he still loves and cares for me deeply but he can't stay as he's 'in love' with the OW. That she makes him feel happy and relaxed and builds his confidence up. He's only spent a few afternoons/evenings with her in cafes/pubs so it's natural he's going to feel happy and relaxed. As for confidence building, she is ego-stroking by telling him he's completely perfect and everything he does is right.
There's also issues from the past - 4 years ago I was overwhelmed, having gone back to full time work and had to navigate a career change, school runs and an unreliable car. I didn't know then I also have inattentive ADHD which hugely affects my focus, organisation and time management. My anxiety over my work and parenting failures led me to lose weight, improve my appearance and go out drinking with younger colleagues as an escape. DH didn't step up in the way I needed him to do (he can't drive, I had all the mental load, budgeting etc.) so I told him I was thinking about leaving. He then had a full on breakdown. We got back on track and I thought we were stronger than ever but he held resentment and never quite felt the same about me. He only told me this after he'd already fallen out of love with me. I then also admitted to having a crush on my boss back at that time (not reciprocated and nothing happened). He says that this crush from 4 years ago was what killed our marriage - not his infidelity, strong feelings/love for someone else or falling out of love with me - deflection again.
I've trying to navigate round having him at home, he's being super affectionate, can't do enough for me, keeps staring at me and begging for cuddles. But still wants to leave as it's not fair to stay when he's in love with someone else and he feels too much has been said and done between us. Plus too many people know he cheated and he thinks marriages can't survive affairs. He said he has no option but to carry on down this path. Even used the phrase 'I've made my bed and I have to lie in it'. His actions and that conversation lead me to think he has serious doubts but not enough to change his mind.
OW is very childlike, immature, needy, anxious, needs constant reassurance. DH lacks empathy and his love language is acts of services (making snacks and drinks etc.), he's not good at talking or being a sounding board. OW has not had a relationship longer than 2 years and still lives at home at 35. I see many red flags and none of our friends and family think it will work.
My friends tell me to distance myself, put up barriers, stop letting him take advantage as he's getting the best of both worlds, being home with me and affectionate but having a long distance relationship (till summer when OW is back permanently). I did manage to do this when he was acting horribly but now he's being so nice and I'm really depressed so I've lost the strength to say no.
