I agree with Boat. She's throwing a tantrum because she senses that what she's been doing may be having less and less of an impact on you. It may be frustration, trying to re-assert some control by doing what worked for her before, or, who knows. It doesn't matter; you do YOU!
Same with boundaries. She decided to have a party and make the mess; she cleans it up. My W would do something similar until I pointed out 1) D13 and I had nothing to do with the mess and 2) while I'm happy to occasionally help (because I don't believe in keeping score of who is doing more or less - we all get overwhelmed and need help with "our" stuff at times, etc.), I'm also not someone that others can dump all their responsibilities on to.
I hear your points. Last night was not the time to effectively assert myself because she was drunk and itching for a fight. I mostly stayed quiet and handled business while she made indirect jabs at me. Sometime today I will tell her "Last night was not okay with me. If you host a party, you need to help with the cleanup."
Earlier in the weekend she had been rude and swore at me when I was asking her a question so I looked her in the eye and firmly said "We don't speak to one another in that tone" and walked away. She was highly apologetic and followed me around explaining herself.
This morning I was busy working and let her handle the usual routine of kids/getting out of the house which is very chaotic.
Just now she emailed me to make me aware of a clothing sale for a brand I like. This is the part of the process I don't like: we have zero connection and she's hostile to me when drunk, then she shoots me an email like that as if things are normal. I used to guess at what something like this would mean but I no longer do that.
Successful DBing is being consistent with your actions. She makes a mess she needs to clean it up whether she is sober or drunk. Consistent actions over time may cause her to see you in a different light.
This is a very lonely time. W is very tense and quick to anger, constantly complaining about the kids or how she “does everything for everyone”. I do my best to fully engage w the kids, work, and my social life but at times it’s still very isolating. Still dealing with the dilemma of living w a woman I find very attractive but who is not interested in me. It’s so odd, because she checked out years ago and I just didn’t realize it. I clung to the odd weekend here and there when we were connecting, hoping the trend was being reversed when in reality it’s much more complicated than that.
Every day feels the same now. I want to move forward with a fun and dynamic life but W is like a weight preventing me from doing that. Normally I spend January booking our family vacation for the year but right now I’m not doing that, because so much is up in the air. Very frustrating.
Still dealing with the dilemma of living w a woman I find very attractive but who is not interested in me.
Men are visual creatures so your W looks good you want to have sex with her. Women need a connection first. She doesn't feel connected to you (her choice) so she is not interested in you.
Originally Posted by Maturin
It’s so odd, because she checked out years ago and I just didn’t realize it.
You probably realized it. Men typically tolerate more in a marriage. Two of my BFs have been in sexless marriages for over 7 years but still won't break up their families.
Originally Posted by Maturin
I clung to the odd weekend here and there when we were connecting, hoping the trend was being reversed when in reality it’s much more complicated than that.
Yes. I think most men think I guess this is how marriage is and hopefully it will get better.
Originally Posted by Maturin
Every day feels the same now. I want to move forward with a fun and dynamic life but W is like a weight preventing me from doing that.
Why can't you move forward with a fun and dynamic life? She seems to be doing it.
Originally Posted by Maturin
Normally I spend January booking our family vacation for the year but right now I’m not doing that, because so much is up in the air. Very frustrating.
I have been considering this, so a question for the board.
I want to take my kids out of state (think airplane travel, resort, one full week away, etc). I don't want my W to come along but I need to assert myself in the right way. How about
"I am planning on taking the kids to {vacation} next month, and I plan to take them alone."
A few things to consider/ensure before pulling the trigger.
Are you ok with this when it gets reversed?
W wants to take my the kids out of state (think airplane travel, resort, one full week away, etc). She doesn’t want me to come along.
Are your young kids (8,6,5) wanting to go on vacation without Mom?
Without some form of written agreement to such a vacation, trust becomes quite the issue. As in, if you don’t have a letter stating W understands and agrees that you are taking the kids for a week, and where you are taking them (especially different state or country), then some made up accusation from W could lead you into a whole lot of troubles. If she is on board with this, get a document from her.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
1. There is a precedent for me taking the kids alone on small weekend or half-week trips (camping, regional trips, domestic airplane travel too).
2. Am I ok when it gets reversed? Yes. My W has never taken the kids alone anywhere, I've always been there OR her parents have and taken up the slack. But if she were to grow a wild hair and decide to do so, I would be fine with it if she promised not to drink while alone w the kids. This is a standard I hold myself to on dad-only trips: no alcohol until kids are bathed, teeth brushed, and in bed watching a movie, even then it's only two beers. Telling her what to do veers towards controlling but she has a drinking problem. I recognize that if we D I will have no control here.
3. Do my young kids want to go on vacation without Mom? If asked directly I'm sure they would say no. But I've done this many times so it won't be anything new for them sadly.
To me this is one of the many small steps I've taken towards life without W, although it would be the biggest one yet.
