She has to miss you and the resentment has to go away.
W's resentment runs deep, going back to events that occurred when we were first married 10+ years ago. She has begun to make comments about wanting me to "hang out" with her again, because I no longer spend time with her/our old group of friends. So in a sense, the "miss you" is just now starting.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Read and live the four agreements. Do not take anything she does personally.
This is a funny one: over the years W's mom has bought her various books as she's seen her struggle, hoping things would click and she'd turn her behavior around. These books were never opened or read. This is one of those books and I was just able to find it in our study, looks like I have some Saturday reading to do.
She has to miss you and the resentment has to go away.
W's resentment runs deep, going back to events that occurred when we were first married 10+ years ago. She has begun to make comments about wanting me to "hang out" with her again, because I no longer spend time with her/our old group of friends. So in a sense, the "miss you" is just now starting.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Read and live the four agreements. Do not take anything she does personally.
This is a funny one: over the years W's mom has bought her various books as she's seen her struggle, hoping things would click and she'd turn her behavior around. These books were never opened or read. This is one of those books and I was just able to find it in our study, looks like I have some Saturday reading to do.
Don’t mistake the point R2C is trying to make with being put in the friend zone.
I had an epiphany after yoga class today. One of the tenets of the DB process is that “things have to get worse before they get better”. This is exactly what’s happened for me over the last week: things became worse for me as I allowed myself to be pulled off center by W’s comments. As I have diligently DB’d and grown over the last several months it’s put a space between W and I which in turn has caused her to temp check and manipulate me back into the old dynamics of the MR: argument, conflict, blame, judgement. Instead of disengaging and allowing things to be “worse” while focusing on myself, I turned back towards her. I have clarity on that now and the confidence to reset back towards DB’ing consistently for myself: if I had kept doing that in the first place, perhaps I wouldn’t have taken things so personally last week.
M nothing wrong with taking it personally. What you want to be able to do is to control your emotions and not let it show. You want to get to a place where her behavior does not work for you and does not affect you.
Maturin, while there are some differences in our sitches (of course no 2 are the same), i recognize these same dynamics that you, R2C and Boat are discussing here. I am finally embracing DB mor honestly I believe and it is “getting worse,” and i am resisting old patterns and forming healthier habits as I intend on moving forward.
I hear you Rock. I’ve used other similar approaches over the last two years and what I’ve found is that you can fool yourself into thinking that all of your GAL and 180s are for you, when you’re really hoping they get noticed by your W. This weekend I felt real detachment: I went to see a friend DJ and I wasn’t thinking about W, or my life without her post D - just enjoying the time.
I’m hoping for more of that. A lot of GAL stuff I had been doing was forced: act as if, fake it till you make it - anything to create physical space b/w me and W. Now it’s starting to feel more like MY life: this is how things will be for me from now on.
Now it’s starting to feel more like MY life: this is how things will be for me from now on.
And, that is really how it (detachment) seems to happen in my experience. You just keep at it and suddenly notice you're more in control of your feelings and how you experience them. You feel good about taking care of yourself again and reaping the benefits of that care. Our partners aren't the driving force behind it. We realize what is truly best for ourselves and that it is OK (if not mandatory) that we give our mind, body, and spirit the care they require.
We forget about how enjoyable moments like watching a friend DJ can be. Put away all the work and home "to do" lists, compartmentalize the M for a bit, and be in the moment. Hope the rest of your weekend went as well.
I've never heard an adult carry on the way my W did this evening.
She informed me in the morning that she invited a friend to watch football at our house. With the PA out in the open I no longer socialize w my W, so I made plans to meet a couple of friends to watch the same game elsewhere. I spent the morning working out, hauling S5 to hockey, and doing the week's grocery shopping. Her friend arrived and I reminded her I was heading out soon to meet friends and she responded by firing tons of questions (where are you going, who will you be with, etc) and then passive aggressively saying "must be nice" and related comments. I didn't say a word in response. I suddenly realized she had already started drinking so I fully disengaged. I made sure the kids were taken care of then headed to meet friends.
When I returned W was drunk but not to a level out of the ordinary for her. Once the friends filed out she began rambling, almost like a crazy person. "I'm the only one who does anything around here / Must be nice to spend the day gone doing whatever you want / I do nothing for myself meanwhile you get to work out and hang with your friends". The house was a mess (there were 6 kids and 3 moms over total, so there were some miles put on the house) and W just went to bed. I handled bathtime and bedtime for the kids and cleaned the house up mostly alone. She did dishes.
I said almost nothing to her this entire time, just let her shout into the ether. This was a very angry woman full of rage and vitriol. The 180 here for me is that previously I would have tried to fix her feelings or apologize/engage her but instead I did my best to DB, which meant not saying anything. In retrospect I didn't validate her at all but I don't think this was the time - she was making no sense. She was definitely trying to bait me into a fight but there is just no way that's going to happen.
She’s gaslighting and manipulating you. She has a party and you clean it up. Do you think that makes her respect you more or less? You need some serious boundaries or expect more of the same behavior.
