Folks in crisis or emotional turmoil are like teenagers. And like teenagers, they will rebel against you. They will test your boundaries and resolve. They will test you patience!
Originally Posted by jessieht
The look of WTF was all over my face for sure. He just listed every single thing I am solely responsible for while he sits in his chair and watches tv, his phone or sleeps. I waisted my breath explaining that that would not be fair either and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing for either of us. We can be partners and help each other out. To which he responded by walking off and screaming “this is why I can’t [censored] stand you”.
Yep. You can fight, explain, rationally show the sky is blue, and they will still say it is red.
Remember, their path is emotionally driven. And emotions are non-rational, and therefore cannot be reasoned away. Emotions must extinguish, and that requires time. And not having the emotions reinforced.
H is a whirlwind of reinforcements, justifications, rebelling, and emotions.
Originally Posted by jessieht
How do you handle them pushing back from your 180's, and what is good 180"s or not?
You do your 180’s for you. That is how you know that it is good, and why you keep at it (how you handle the push back from H).
Originally Posted by jessieht
he is only doing certain husband things and is still very full of contempt for anything I do.
Yes, H will dredge up contempt and direct it at you. And if he cannot find “reason or justifications” to do so, he will make some up, or bait you into a fight to restock his supply. Not taking his bait at such efforts is one of the LBS’ lessons in all this.
Realize for H, he cannot be wrong. He truly cannot emotionally accept that. Not yet. He needs to grow up. Like a teenager.
This doesn’t mean you don’t or cannot hold H accountable. Stick to your boundaries, 180’s, and path - for you. For your health and welfare. (It’s also the best way to influence H forward. Albeit he is glacially slow. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.)
Originally Posted by jessieht
I have been doing a lot of stuff for me and working well at being detached.
Excellent! Keep at it.
Originally Posted by jessieht
Just not sure how to tip the scales back to back to positives without being his slave with a shut mouth the rest of my life.
What are you weighing?
Sounds like the scales are tipped correctly to me.
Positive progress in a MLCer is devilishly tricky to ascertain. Most of their progress is internal and therefore occluded from our view.
Your positives, you can see, you can affect, you can control. The LBS keeps moving forward and lets their MLC spouse run to catch up. (Your positives, that’s the scale you focus on.)
Originally Posted by jessieht
From what I have read mlc is like a balloon going up and it is exited the same as they went in. Do any of you have any insight into this?
Here’s a few good tidbits. By the way, Eagle3’s story is a good one and full of various insights. If you haven’t yet, it’s a good read. Along with MA1970, Pattnee5, and many others.
