In terms of the effect of your drugs and depression, you’re now locked in a pretty tight spot that LOTS of men find themselves in. This is the conundrum:
- You keep experimenting with drugs or growing them, and she will say you are choosing that over her
- If you clean up, throw out all the stuff in your garage and send her a picture to show you’ve chosen her, she’ll say “too late”
All too often, men come here in this same conundrum. If they change something to get their wife back, they just get accused with “too little too late” or “you’re just doing that temporarily to win me back, then you’ll go back to your own ways.”
But there is another solution here:
- throw out your growing stuff, stop exploring with drugs and completely clean up - but don’t tell her. Don’t do it to win her back. Don’t send her photos. Just do it for you. If she happens to realise you’ve done those things without the intention of winning her back, then she might believe the changes are real.
I accept my original comments were hard to hear. That’s okay. You need to get comfortable with being called out on stuff. People who arrive at a divorce busting website often need some pretty tough love. You’ve come here to make changes, so you shouldn’t be afraid of some difficult advice.
We don’t do it to be mean or cruel. But sometimes, a 2x4 can be the slap in the face that is needed to get people thinking and behaving differently.
To that end, and bearing in mind I only want to help and be kind, a few things I’ve noticed:
- you keep referring to illegal drugs as psychedelics. That’s what people do when they try and minimise and downplay things. In the past, you’ve chosen to grow and use illegal drugs. It doesn’t make that any less of an issue by calling them a different, less controversial name.
- you also talked about your wife participating. Have you ever considered she did this because she felt trapped into it or pressured? Your perspective was “she took drugs so she was really condoning and supporting it”, but I’m pretty sure her perspective would have been “I’m tired of fighting this, maybe I’ll just try it because I give up”.
Keep hanging in there. It will get easier, take it a day at a time.
- you keep referring to illegal drugs as psychedelics. That’s what people do when they try and minimise and downplay things. In the past, you’ve chosen to grow and use illegal drugs. It doesn’t make that any less of an issue by calling them a different, less controversial name.
Kind is dead on here. Drugs are drugs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What has been the most difficult for me is the feelings. I didn't really pay attention to my feelings in the past. Now that I do, the bad feelings seem to greatly outnumber the good ones. The sadness, regret, guilt, anxiety, and uncertainty are mighty in their presence. Even though I have been in weekly therapy sessions, for me it has been overwhelming. Then throw all the grief and self-questioning from my best friend's suicide, and some days I feel emotional paralyzed. Knowing that I need to just feel these feelings has been rough. They aren't going away or even really dissipating. It's relentless. I know that I will get through this.
Originally Posted by Jalan1
I'm afraid that if I let go, I will just keep falling. I'm further down than I have ever been before. I can't stay focused on the present. I am an emotional tetherball being beaten in one direction that's depression, and then the other that's anxiety. It's rough.
Yes, you will most likely feel lower than you have ever felt before. Perfectly normal. And healthy. For this is likely the largest (negative) life event you’ve ever experienced before.
I remember how relentless my emotions were. Ceaseless in their swirling about my mind. Focus on you and your life. Do activities, GAL. Detach.
Counterintuitively, you will best find what your feelings are trying to tell you when you aren’t focusing on them so much. It’s not ignoring your feelings, just shifting your focus elsewhere, while your subconscious continues to percolate away on things.
Answer come when one is calm.
Let go or be dragged. It takes time to figure out how to let go. Don’t worry, you are doing perfectly fine.
It’s a matter of control. You can only control three things: Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Those you have direct control over. Everything else, as well as the aforementioned three, is influenced.
Influence comes from external and internal. The world, social media, family, friends, your beliefs and values, thoughts, feelings, words, behaviours, actions, and on and on and on. A battered around tetherball is apt description. Exercising your control of what you can control affects how other’s words and actions effect you, as well as your own words and actions effect you.
One, through their control of self, influences their influences upon themselves, and external influences upon themselves.
For example:
“I can't stay focused on the present.”
Your mind is always listening. And your mind will craft your reality just as you ask/tell it to.
Can’t vs won’t. Can’t means it is impossible. And very few things are truly impossible. I cannot become pregnant. That is a true statement. Note, talking possibilities not probabilities.
Detachment, positive influencing, is best accomplished with clarity and accuracy is thought and heart. Using correct language, which you can control, will foster/influence your thoughts and feelings and detachment and positive progress.
“I am having difficulty focusing on the present.”
See how that read differently? How that feels differently?
Such statements take ownership and responsibility of your thoughts and feelings. Won’t is ok. For it acknowledges that one can change, instead of saying it’s impossible.
Your mind is listening. Speak well. Be accurate.
Can/can’t, will/won’t, do/try. It is surprising how such a small conscious effort, such a small conscious word choice, can significantly affect one’s outlook.
By the way, you do speak well, and state things clearly and factually. As an example, “I know that I will get through this”, which is very true. I’m just providing an area you can focus upon (control) to help your positive progress and influences.
Originally Posted by Kind18
But there is another solution here:
- throw out your growing stuff, stop exploring with drugs and completely clean up - but don’t tell her. Don’t do it to win her back. Don’t send her photos. Just do it for you. If she happens to realise you’ve done those things without the intention of winning her back, then she might believe the changes are real.
Kind is a wise poster.
If you decide to make changes, do them for you. Not in some attempt to woo or win back W. Do them for you. That way those changes will better become permanent.
It’s not just her that has to realize your changes are sincere and real. You do too. Consider what you have been telling your mind for years and years.
Everyone needs to hit rock bottom before they change or commit to change. And we all choose where our rock bottom is. How low we have to feel first. I fell pretty far too, before deciding, changing, and crawling back out.
Positive change is a struggle, and so very worth the effort. You are worth the effort.
From above I stated,
For this is likely the largest (negative) life event you’ve ever experienced before. In time, one becomes whole and healed, and looks back upon this most significant life event as positive. It takes time to see and realize what a golden opportunity one has. Near everyone who traverses to the other side of their situation would not change what they went through, for their journey, their evolution, is that profound and positive. Do, make the most of your’s.
Hope you have a great Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
