My sense now is that the DB process produces one of two outcomes: the wayward spouse has space to miss the betrayed and realize what they're missing, or the wayward is given the space they actually want and realize they don't want to be in the MR.
This is correct but keep in mind that by the time you got here she had completely checked out of the marriage. When you think of time and space to miss you we are likely talking years.
Originally Posted by Maturin
As painful as things have been the affair has been something I can explain away to protect my ego: she claims she snapped, she feels bad about it, doesn't want divorce, hates her AP, etc.
Why would you want to explain an affair away?
Originally Posted by Maturin
The revelation that she is not attracted to me cuts deeper however and can't be avoided. The fact that she has been unsatisfied sexually for so long and that's a component in all of this is painful. It's backed up by years of low/no intimacy so the facts are all there. She has a willing partner in the house but opts for self pleasure. I know not to believe what she says, but when CAN I believe what she says?
You can believe her actions and undeniably right now she is unattracted to you.
Originally Posted by Maturin
My IC certainly sensed my feelings of inadequacy the other day, because he repeatedly told me things like "there is nothing wrong with you" and "you are enough".
The important thing is do you believe you are enough?
Originally Posted by Maturin
In the face of all this I have been upbeat and resilient, showing confidence in myself and that I will be ok. I still engage my W playfully and she totally shuts me down - "leave me alone!" is a typical response. I'll smirk and tease her "uh oh, someone called the fun police" and walk away, but inside I feel rejected.
You feel rejected because she is rejecting you. Giving someone the time of day who is rejecting you is extremely low value. You come off like a stalker.
Originally Posted by Maturin
As for action I've taken this week: I spent a not small amount of money on an online course that teaches techniques to help with PE and scheduled a counseling session w a sex therapist once I've made my way through the course. Took the kids out to dinner last night and had a blast, I have yoga tomorrow morning and dinner with a friend tomorrow night. Also planning some bike rides with the kids this weekend.
This should be your sole purpose in life. Investing in you for you.
Originally Posted by Maturin
I am walking a tightrope. On the one hand the optimist in me wants to continue to DB, fully confident I can change myself and improve the MR as a side effect. On the other hand I realize that I have made many positive changes in the last several months and things have not improved in the MR. MWD says look for small wins, and I suppose you could classify my W opening up to me as a small win. But the realist in me says "She opened up to you about why she isn't happy, and that isn't something you can or should try to fix."
Who gives a rats behind what and why she is doing?
Originally Posted by Maturin
I emailed my L yesterday to schedule a meeting. I would like to know what my options are if my W refuses to engage in any kind of negotiation and I have to do things one-sided. His out of office revealed he's away until January 30th - perhaps a sign from the universe to slow down.
