Maturin - My Story (2)

[SteveLW]

I'm still re-playing my Saturday conversation with my W over and over. One thing she said that I forgot to mention was that she liked the way things had been lately - I do stuff w the kids and give her alone time and vice versa. This is one of the risks I see to DB'ing: in many ways we are already acting divorced while she still has the advantage of me in her life. How should I think about this? She is having her cake with a supportive husband but doesn't have to do anything as a wife. When I engage in a GAL activity, she does one for herself. It would look like the healthy relationship of two independent people if not for the fact that we spend no alone time together. My sense now is that the DB process produces one of two outcomes: the wayward spouse has space to miss the betrayed and realize what they're missing, or the wayward is given the space they actually want and realize they don't want to be in the MR.

Your overthinking this. When someone says to you "I want less of you" , anything short of giving them time and space is trying to force more of you on them. What is the reverse of torture w? Trying to force her to spend time with you? DB works because you focus on you and what your can control, which is you again. Oh you DB to get her to miss you then your are doing it wrong.

Remember.... Believe nothing she says! Even this.

As painful as things have been the affair has been something I can explain away to protect my ego: she claims she snapped, she feels bad about it, doesn't want divorce, hates her AP, etc. The revelation that she is not attracted to me cuts deeper however and can't be avoided. The fact that she has been unsatisfied sexually for so long and that's a component in all of this is painful. It's backed up by years of low/no intimacy so the facts are all there. She has a willing partner in the house but opts for self pleasure. I know not to believe what she says, but when CAN I believe what she says?

You answered your own question!! Remember the story I told you yesterday?? WAWs, and WSs in particular, will say whatever they think is expedient at the moment. They may even believe 100% the second they say it, but that could change the next second!! Please try to forget what she has said and refuse to believe anything she says from this point forward.

On top of that, she's an alcoholic. As a former alcoholic I was constantly lying and being dishonest. Why? Because I knew people were worried about my drinking, so I would hide it, lie about it, and try to make others think I was healthy.

My IC certainly sensed my feelings of inadequacy the other day, because he repeatedly told me things like "there is nothing wrong with you" and "you are enough".

So you'll listen to her, someone that cannot be objective for a variety of reasons, but not an objective third party? You have emotional detachment to work on. You need to get to the point that anything she says, no matter how good or bad it is, has no emotional impact on you. You have a lot of with to go on that.

R2C, a question for you on my sitch. When is attraction dead and never coming back in your view? In the face of all this I have been upbeat and resilient, showing confidence in myself and that I will be ok. I still engage my W playfully and she totally shuts me down - "leave me alone!" is a typical response. I'll smirk and tease her "uh oh, someone called the fun police" and walk away, but inside I feel rejected.

This shows me that your ARE NOT DBing. Where in DB are you supposed to "engage; playfully"?!?

Remember, you treat her like the cashier at the store. You do not initiate engagement. If she does, be upbeat, confident, pleased and fulfilled, but only answer her questions. Do not offer more. And then be the one to the the engagement. "I have something I need to do it or somewhere I need to be." Then walk away. Do not apologize for it, just state the above and go.

As for action I've taken this week: I spent a not small amount of money on an online course that teaches techniques to help with PE and scheduled a counseling session w a sex therapist once I've made my way through the course. Took the kids out to dinner last night and had a blast, I have yoga tomorrow morning and dinner with a friend tomorrow night. Also planning some bike rides with the kids this weekend.

The course and sex therapist alarms me. It sounds like you are still planning on following through with the "good sex with wife" plan. What makes your think that it in any way is a good plan? She won't even be playful with you! Stop doing things for her benefit! Improve for your and your kids and only you and your kids.

I am walking a tightrope. On the one hand the optimist in me wants to continue to DB, fully confident I can change myself and improve the MR as a side effect. On the other hand I realize that I have made many positive changes in the last several months and things have not improved in the MR. MWD says look for small wins, and I suppose you could classify my W opening up to me as a small win. But the realist in me says "She opened up to you about why she isn't happy, and that isn't something you can or should try to fix."

The problem is that you DB to try to improve the MR. Something that is it is out of your control. DB to improve you. If the MR comes along for the ride, fine. But a watched pot never boils. Take your eyes off the pot that is your MR.

I emailed my L yesterday to schedule a meeting. I would like to know what my options are if my W refuses to engage in any kind of negotiation and I have to do things one-sided. His out of office revealed he's away until January 30th - perhaps a sign from the universe to slow down.

Have you picked a drop dead date? You need one! Pick one. "If she's not fully committed back to the marriage by this date, I'm going to have my lawyer file for D."

Take back your power!