I'm still re-playing my Saturday conversation with my W over and over. One thing she said that I forgot to mention was that she liked the way things had been lately - I do stuff w the kids and give her alone time and vice versa. This is one of the risks I see to DB'ing: in many ways we are already acting divorced while she still has the advantage of me in her life. How should I think about this? She is having her cake with a supportive husband but doesn't have to do anything as a wife. When I engage in a GAL activity, she does one for herself. It would look like the healthy relationship of two independent people if not for the fact that we spend no alone time together. My sense now is that the DB process produces one of two outcomes: the wayward spouse has space to miss the betrayed and realize what they're missing, or the wayward is given the space they actually want and realize they don't want to be in the MR.
As painful as things have been the affair has been something I can explain away to protect my ego: she claims she snapped, she feels bad about it, doesn't want divorce, hates her AP, etc. The revelation that she is not attracted to me cuts deeper however and can't be avoided. The fact that she has been unsatisfied sexually for so long and that's a component in all of this is painful. It's backed up by years of low/no intimacy so the facts are all there. She has a willing partner in the house but opts for self pleasure. I know not to believe what she says, but when CAN I believe what she says?
My IC certainly sensed my feelings of inadequacy the other day, because he repeatedly told me things like "there is nothing wrong with you" and "you are enough".
R2C, a question for you on my sitch. When is attraction dead and never coming back in your view? In the face of all this I have been upbeat and resilient, showing confidence in myself and that I will be ok. I still engage my W playfully and she totally shuts me down - "leave me alone!" is a typical response. I'll smirk and tease her "uh oh, someone called the fun police" and walk away, but inside I feel rejected.
As for action I've taken this week: I spent a not small amount of money on an online course that teaches techniques to help with PE and scheduled a counseling session w a sex therapist once I've made my way through the course. Took the kids out to dinner last night and had a blast, I have yoga tomorrow morning and dinner with a friend tomorrow night. Also planning some bike rides with the kids this weekend.
I am walking a tightrope. On the one hand the optimist in me wants to continue to DB, fully confident I can change myself and improve the MR as a side effect. On the other hand I realize that I have made many positive changes in the last several months and things have not improved in the MR. MWD says look for small wins, and I suppose you could classify my W opening up to me as a small win. But the realist in me says "She opened up to you about why she isn't happy, and that isn't something you can or should try to fix."
I emailed my L yesterday to schedule a meeting. I would like to know what my options are if my W refuses to engage in any kind of negotiation and I have to do things one-sided. His out of office revealed he's away until January 30th - perhaps a sign from the universe to slow down.
