Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I needed to hear it. Some of the things you say are beautiful and bring me to tears. I tried reading the part about hope to a coworker but became so emotional that I had to text it instead. I have read that part over and over. I will carry that with me for the rest of my days.
The same goes for the depression= the past, anxiety= the future. That is a golden nugget of wisdom that helps me keep things in perspective. Although I am all over the place emotionally, it helps to think about those words. My therapist said something similar "With one foot in the past, and one foot in the future, you are pissing away the present." It's not easy for me to stay present.
What has been the most difficult for me is the feelings. I didn't really pay attention to my feelings in the past. Now that I do, the bad feelings seem to greatly outnumber the good ones. The sadness, regret, guilt, anxiety, and uncertainty are mighty in their presence. Even though I have been in weekly therapy sessions, for me it has been overwhelming. Then throw all the grief and self-questioning from my best friend's suicide, and some days I feel emotional paralyzed. Knowing that I need to just feel these feelings has been rough. They aren't going away or even really dissipating. It's relentless. I know that I will get through this. I do my best to have no expectations.
As for the drug stuff, there is no question that I would choose my marriage over psychedelics. The difficult part for me to accept is that I didn't pick up on the signs. I feel terrible for being such an obtuse idiot. My wife never said, "If you don't stop xyz, I'm leaving". Our communication was not good. I was selfish. I talked to my mother, and she clarified what my wife was afraid of. My mother said that she was afraid of me going to jail for growing mushrooms in the garage. She wasn't afraid of me physically. So, that makes me feel a little better. As for my wife and drugs, her culture is VERY against it. However, she took THC edibles frequently, she tried microdosing mushrooms, and told me that she wanted to try LSD. I read somewhere that "women are trying to make changes throughout the relationship and men try to make changes when it's already too late." Sadly. that describes me and the unintentional selfishness I chose that ultimately destroyed my marriage.
I think SteveLW was right about looking for a quick fix. However, the quick fix was for me, and not my marriage. I looked to psychedelics to fix my depression. I have been suffering from severe depression for a few years now. Being in health care through Covid has been exhausting, both mentally and physically. I did not take good care of myself. I didn't take good care of my wife. I don't think we knew how to take care of each other and it went on way too long. We used to take vacations and see her family. We haven't taken a vacation since Covid. I was usually working 6 days a week. I needed something to change. As a health care provider, I really didn't want to go the SSRI route for treatment. Same for the ADHD, I didn't want to try Adderall. I wanted to try something less addictive. I wanted a big change. So, I tried mushrooms and then LSD. It wasn't the fix I was hoping for. My wife knew why I was doing what I did. There's lots of evidence-based data that supports psychedelic use as a treatment for depression. Unfortunately for me, my wife also wanted a big change, and she got that by having the courage to leave me.
I frequently read a post from Sparky in the "Going Dark 101". It's beautiful to me. I am certain my wife was terribly depressed as well.
Originally Posted by Sparky
There was obviously something very wrong that made them decide they wanted out in the first place. Oftentimes, it is probably the case that they are depressed and they have lost faith that anything can ever change. That patterns are set and are not reversible. It's a sign of depression to feel this kind of hopelessness.
One thing they knew for sure was that they did not want you in the picture. When people are depressed and confused about their identity like many people who request separations are, they become cognitively disorganized and impulsive in their choices. And when you are coming at them trying to make them stay with you, it just feels bad and like there's a pressure there to stay where they were.
And they don't want to stay where they were. They are wanting big changes. And if you stay the same as you always have been, and are unwilling to allow them to go on the journey that they need, or you are setting agendas about how they need to be, you just look like a controlling wench or [censored]. You become a representation of what they were trying to get away from.
As long as you keep pressuring them, you don't stand a chance. You will remain the embodiment of those bad feelings they are having. You will be something to avoid. You will make it very easy for them to continue to project or blame you for the bad feelings that reside inside of them.
If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.
If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you [censored]. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.
I'm afraid that if I let go, I will just keep falling. I'm further down than I have ever been before. I can't stay focused on the present. I am an emotional tetherball being beaten in one direction that's depression, and then the other that's anxiety. It's rough. However, I tell myself that my wife probably felt how I am feeling, but for much longer. I am doing my penance. Even though I know it takes two, I feel like I earned these feelings. That it's karmic consequences. The good thing is that I am not choking back a 12 pack like the good ole days to make the feelings go away. I don't feel like I am running away from my feelings. Even though I don't like how I feel, I know it can't stay like this forever. I need to be patient and work through these feelings. Let them come and go. I'm doing my best.
I've been in the dark for 25 days now. I know that isn't much for most of you. Hopefully, some better times are around the corner. I haven't lost hope.
