Also, if you're not familiar with "negative sentiment override" now is a good time to learn about it or refresh your memory. History gets rewritten through a negative lens. As Bustorama suggests, who cares if it is revisionist history. Does trying to contradict W's perceptions help or hurt the goal you're shooting for here? I'd daresay it would hurt to say "You're wrong. That's not true about our sex life". MWD and DBing are focused on solutions-based therapy. What matters is what you're going to do going forward.
I read up on negative sentiment override last night, thanks MrP. Certainly seems to apply to my W's view of our MR. At times she seems to have convinced herself that things were always bad, and it takes a lot of self control to not argue back that we've had many happy years.
Originally Posted by MrP
I'm also wondering about some of the comments about not being attracted to you, having an open marraige, having no libido, etc. and my reaction was "Of course she's saying these things; she's got to justify to herself why she had the PA". She's likely feeling guilt, shame, and other negative feelings and looking for a mix of justification and "fair exchange" in terms of telling you to do what you want as long as she doesn't know (to make amends or make things "even" between you). Stick to the high road, Blondie.
She mentioned a version of this y'day when the topic came up. Much of what she had said Saturday she didn't remember, and when I told her "you had suggested relationships outside of the MR" she replied "I figured you would want to do that since I did" or something similar. I didn't go so far as to say "I don't want that", I just validated and said "I know this has been a very rough time" or something similar.
I was reflecting on our talk as I laid in bed last night and felt more and more that it wasn't actually a "good thing". First of all, I brought it up, not her. While she is constantly talking about things when drunk, she has never initiated a talk when sober. She was willing to talk but not enthusiastic whatsoever and the conversations seemed painful at times (this is to be expected). She definitely opened up about things but her attitude about the MR is still very much "we will stay together because we have to". The idea that she is sexually unsatisfied is gnawing at me terribly too. I wonder if what she says when drunk is the real truth (I'm not attracted to you), and she wants to avoid sober conversation because she knows those truths are hurtful to me.
At one point y'day evening she was lying in bed on her phone, so I approached and sat next to her. Her reaction was very strong: "Can you give me some space?! Come on, I haven't had a second to myself all day!" etc. This is a woman who has very little attraction to me, and I've said before that I won't be in a relationship where there is no attraction/intimacy.
Lastly, W has asked f she can plan a bday party for me. As part of dropping the rope, I had said no. She's asked again and now I am considering it.
