Hey M. Wow. I had to catch up on quite a bit of what's been happening. I wanted to jump in and similarly say it is great to see how well you're handling all of the things that you've been addressing. I envy your composure and execution.
Before talking about R, you'll read a good deal about "pieceing" on this board. Or, as I like to call it, relentless, incremental progress towards R. To me, it still feels a bit early to suggest your our of the D woods and into piecing though each situation moves at whatever pace it should. Think of piecing as assembly the foundation for R and a new, better relationship. Someone like SteveLW who has successfully DB'd and pieced can likely better comment on this. We instintively want it to move more quickly (because it feels like we've been in limbo forever, we have a life plan that we need to get back to, and lots of other reasons) and patience is key to getting it right w/o compromising the gains you're making for yourself.
Others have already offered suggestions I had related to PE: talk with your doctor, IC, and possibly a sex therapist alone and/or together at some point if/when your W may be ready for it. Also, if you don't already have copies of classics like the Kama Sutra or a more recent book like She Comes First, I suggest giving them a scan at your local bookstore or library. Working at being good in bed is like any other goal.
Also, if you're not familiar with "negative sentiment override" now is a good time to learn about it or refresh your memory. History gets rewritten through a negative lens. As Bustorama suggests, who cares if it is revisionist history. Does trying to contradict W's perceptions help or hurt the goal you're shooting for here? I'd daresay it would hurt to say "You're wrong. That's not true about our sex life". MWD and DBing are focused on solutions-based therapy. What matters is what you're going to do going forward.
Also, Valeska makes a good point and (because it is true about my situation in a different way), I don't want it to get lost. If your W has a substance abuse issue that is unresolved, it will continue to make real, sustained progress difficult if not impossible. Keep an eye on this and talk with your IC about how best you may act on it.
I'm also wondering about some of the comments about not being attracted to you, having an open marraige, having no libido, etc. and my reaction was "Of course she's saying these things; she's got to justify to herself why she had the PA". She's likely feeling guilt, shame, and other negative feelings and looking for a mix of justification and "fair exchange" in terms of telling you to do what you want as long as she doesn't know (to make amends or make things "even" between you). Stick to the high road, Blondie.
I'd say you are at the potential beginning of her working to make amends for her betrayal. As DnJ says, she's got to hit rock bottom to begin climbing back up to where you're at. This is how she can, right now, try to work to regain your trust and confidence by starting to open up. If you haven't, I'll again recommend checking out a copy of What Makes Love Last by Gottman, the chapter on infidelity, and specifically the section about Behavior Change, Transparency, and Verification. Gottman has the arguably the longest, most evidence-based recommendations on all things marital. While I've not had cause to ready MWD's book on infidelity, I believe you said you have and hopefully that provides some more DB-related guidance on managing that aspect of your sitch.
I'll stop here because I don't want to overdue it. I'll reiterate that you're doing a fantastic job. Keep the faith in what you're doing and as MWD says "be patient...very patient" too. Best, P
