Maturin - My Story (2)

[DnJ]

Hello Mat

You did well. You stayed to the few topics and didn’t get sidetracked or off into the weeds.

W seems to have taken the talk well. Let’s see how/if her actions match up with her words.

I made a point to say I didn't want to talk about the PA at all right now, just Saturday's convo.

Good.

I know you really want some answers. However, this particular topic will be extreme pressure for her. Don’t push. If answers are meant to come, answer will come. (More on this below.)

She was heavily focused on the burden of carrying the secret of her PA with her for years and what that did to her. I said "I know, I've seen how you struggle" and "that must have been so difficult, I can't imagine" many times while we talked.

Nicely done. Non-judgemental. Acknowledging and validating her feelings and stresses.

There is so much going on beneath the surface here with her.

Yes, the bulk of the spouse’s journey is hidden. Emotionally struggling within. Takes time. Lots of time, for them to sort out themselves. Keeping pressure low is critical to not stop whatever forward moment they are experiencing. It’s an internal journey for quite some time. And it will look glacially slow from our external view.

[W] shared that she has felt so criticized and judged by myself and others that she has holed up.

Yep. That emotional island she marooned upon. Nice to see her opening up to you.

the fact that she still needs to be transparent about the PA before I am comfortable cancelling D plans.

I think it's a little ridiculous that she had a PA and is now feeling sorry for herself about the consequences, but that is something I will only say here to those of you who have been in my shoes.

Good. Only share that here.

However, why do you see it as ridiculous?

Isn’t this the very thing you want? Her to feel regret, remorse, shame, etc.? Remember, her emotions are cranked to eleven and she doesn’t have much bandwidth for you or anybody else. Of course, she going to “start” with feeling sorry for herself. Deeper emotions, facing the pains she caused, facing the betrayal, and so on, come later.

As the betrayed partner I want her to do the work to regain my trust and confidence, and to see me as the prize.

Reconciling is hard. You, the LBS, have the lion’s share of the work to do. I know, totally unfair. If your marriage/relationship is to reconcile, you will need to lead and be her safe soft place to land. Not be a doormat. Be a healed, stable, good, man.

Yes, she has work to do. Trust will need to be regained with consistent demonstrated behaviours. And you need to be open to trusting her. Open to that possibility. Not to be too jaded and disillusioned that trust is impossible.

Sincere change - behaviour and personality - requires hitting rock bottom. That’s true for her, you, anybody. She needs to feel her pains and struggle her way forward, positively. The LBS doesn’t place insurmountable boulders in the path, and doesn’t pave the road in gold either.

What work from her do you need to see?



Have you forgiven her? Are you working towards that? Can you forgive? Have you ever? When you consider forgiveness, what do you think? Feel? Believe?

Are you forgiving her or her actions/the affair?

Forgiveness will free you Mat. Like I said, it takes rock bottom for a sincere change. Let go the need for answers regarding the A. There is nothing, absolutely nothing W can say or do that will earn your forgiveness. It comes from you, freely.

I definitely empathize and understand being the betrayed partner. Betrayal is the worst thing one can do to another person. There are a lot of things for you to let go of. Vengeance, retaliation, retribution, grudges, and so on. In doing so, you find, you acquire so much more than you ever realized.

Letting go, forgiving, doesn’t mean you condone. Nor does it mean you cannot hold her accountable for her actions. You do write paid in full on that bill you’re carrying around though. Ah, the lion’s share. Leading, influencing, gently steering; it’s a journey.

She seemed to light up just a teeny tiny amount here. However, this was by no means a "I can't imagine life without you" moment, but rather a "Being divorced would be a real inconvenience" moment.

Small positive progress/steps.

Of the two, I’d prefer the later.

Keep moving forward.

D