Ok, W and I just had a talk and I could use some feedback on how I did.
W was sitting in the living room and engaged me to discuss house stuff. We joked a bit and I said "Listen, when you have time this week let's talk about what you brought up on Saturday." She said "okay" and I said "I have time now if you do" and things got started.
I shared with her what she said on Saturday while drunk (doesn't want D, she isn't attracted to me, wants me to sleep w other people, has an issue w my PE etc) and asked her to talk to me about how she felt. Without re-hashing the whole thing, here are the high level details:
- Regarding lack of attraction, she said "That isn't really what I meant. Lots of people go through difficult times in a MR". - Regarding our SL, she agreed that at times it's been good. I acknowledged I have an issue w PE and want to address it. She didn't want to dwell here and I didn't push. - Regarding sleeping w others, she said she thought that's what I wanted since she thinks I'm unhappy w SL. I listened and validated and just said "thanks for clarifying that" and moved on
Mostly I shut my mouth and validated her. I made a point to say I didn't want to talk about the PA at all right now, just Saturday's convo. She was heavily focused on the burden of carrying the secret of her PA with her for years and what that did to her. I said "I know, I've seen how you struggle" and "that must have been so difficult, I can't imagine" many times while we talked.
She does not want to divorce at all, but primarily bc of the kids and finances. She mentioned how much better things have been lately between us and overall. I listened and validated her. She seemed to light up just a teeny tiny amount here. However, this was by no means a "I can't imagine life without you" moment, but rather a "Being divorced would be a real inconvenience" moment.
The urge to explain and defend rose up in me constantly and I fought it down. I mostly shut up and listened. The one thing I did assert was this:
"W, I think of you as a bubbly, fun, effervescent person, even when you aren't drinking. I love that version of you, but I haven't seen it in a long time. You're on an island right now and have been for many years. Do I have that right? Why do you think that is?"
She agreed and shared that she has felt so criticized and judged by myself and others that she has holed up. I listened and validated.
I made a point of agreeing to nothing and saying zero about my plans for D or no D, and not to bring up the fact that she still needs to be transparent about the PA before I am comfortable cancelling D plans. At the end of the convo I offered a hug, which she refused because "I have to pee so bad right now!" TMI for the board I guess but it wasn't all unicorns and rainbows.
There is so much going on beneath the surface here with her. On the one hand, I think it's a little ridiculous that she had a PA and is now feeling sorry for herself about the consequences, but that is something I will only say here to those of you who have been in my shoes. As the betrayed partner I want her to do the work to regain my trust and confidence, and to see me as the prize. I'm not sure we are closer to that state yet, but it was a good talk. My plan remains to be consistent with 180s, focus on GAL, and drop the rope.
