My post below rambles a bit, so to summarize for those who don't want to read it:
1. Is it time for me to initiate a sober R talk after months of my W initiating them while drunk? 2. Is sex a good idea even if I intend to eventually D should the W not change? She is not in an active A.
Originally Posted by bustorama
Does she make the 'open but don't tell' marriage proposals when she is sober too or just when drunk?
Only when drunk. She initiates no R conversation whatsoever when sober, but when drunk it's all she wants to talk about. I know one of the DB rules is essentially "no R talk, ever", but I want to address this. Every time she gets drunk she tearfully tells me she's sorry and doesn't want to D, and then occasionally that conversation wanders from "I love you, please don't leave me" to "I don't think I was ever attracted to you". The other night was the first time I've heard her complain about our SL, ever.
Originally Posted by bustorama
When she was first attracted to you, were there any things different about you then (physically, emotionally, activties) or in the way you interacted with/talked to her as compared to now?
I'll think on this. Physically I have always been in great shape and that hasn't changed. Like most guys in my sitch I do think I lost the breezy confidence I once absentmindedly possessed and I have been working on rebuilding that for 2+ years. But boy, hearing you W tell you that you don't satisfy her sure puts a wrench in that process.
Last night I was being playful and fun with her throughout the evening, and she was bristling as usual. I pushed past that and stayed lighthearted about things, joking and playing with the kids. My approach after Saturday is basically "W thinks I am not a good lover, but I know that's not true and what I'm capable of in the bedroom". I made an attempt to initiate once we got in bed, which she rebuffed. I smirked and told her "ok, your loss". It was quiet for a moment and she said "you need to be nicer to me" which has been her line for a long time: if I were nicer, she would be more attracted to me. I played it off and made a joke, which then lead to about ten minutes of her engaging in "talking about your day" type conversation before bed.
One last thing: W has offered to plan a birthday dinner for me and asked who I wanted to invite. I had previously told her I didn't want to do anything and would make my own plans as part of the "drop the rope" approach. Yesterday she asked again and I told her it would be fine, we can do something. But now I am wondering if it's sending the right message to have that kind of thing done.
Overall my entire DB approach had been "drop the rope" and "she had a PA and now needs to earn the right to stay in this marriage", but the Saturday convo has rattled me and changed that to where now I feel myself engaging and wanting to prove myself. I don't believe I've made any mistakes - I'm not pursuing or pressuring her - but I wonder if this makes sense. One of the things she said when drunk Saturday was basically "If I don't have sex I'm going to explode", and I told her I felt the same. I see this as an opportunity to engage in sex as a release for both of us, and see if it in turns builds connection. All of my other expectations remain in place: for us to stay married there needs to be full transparency about the PA, W needs to go to IC (I already do), etc.
