Maturin - My Story (2)

[bustorama]

First, I agree with everything DNJ said. Also, be happy she shared her feelings with you. It indicates there is enough connection still there that she wants things to be different. She wants to feel more attracted to you so that she will want to go at it like rabbits with you. GAL and DB help to increase the attraction. So do listening and validation. So do new sexual experiences and ways of being in bed (anything with a 180).

Second, does it really matter whether or not this is revisionist history. All that matters is that it is her and therefore your current reality. Hear that, accept that, and move forward accordingly.

Third, part of being a man is accepting and then handling your issues, especially those that intersect with your partner. Like DNJ said, PE is not uncommon -- you're not alone -- and there are proven treatments to help address it -- you can do something. If you have looked into these before, it's time to do so again and up your game. You need to do this for yourself because it it will impact your sense of self and future relationships (with her or anyone else)

Talk to your doctor and also ask for referrals to both a urologist, for any physical components, and a psychologist who specializes in psychological issues around sex, like a sex therapist, for the mental-emotional components. It's totally expected that the PE has impacted your confidence in the bedroom -- I'd bet you are afraid to go all in or faster, afraid it might trigger PE, to try new positions, to talk dirty to her in ways you havent before, to pull her hair and dominate her. As you arm yourself with treatments and techniques to support your PE, you'll feel more empowered to rock her world.

Part of your challenge is to recognize that your self-doubt related to this issue gets in the way -- because you are hypervigilant during sex whether or not she is into it -- which takes away from the sex and your performance. You said when you all started having sex that you stopped because she wasnt into it. I bet you were painfully hyperattuned to signals of that, especially in that high-pressure moment. What if you instead had been hyperattuned to the opposite signals that she is attracted to you? That she wanted YOU inside her in that moment. That when she straddles YOU, even if disinhibited form alcohol, she's showing that she wants sex with YOU and not a sexless bedroom. That she wants to feel like she can go at it like rabbits with YOU. Your selective attention and performance anxiety around this gets in the way like a vicious circle. So, this is something you can work on with a therapist as well.

When she told you that she had pleasured herself, I hear that you felt shocked. Why do you think? Have you not pleasured yourself, esp. during this estrangement? It's kind of hot that your W pleasures herself. She's a sexual being. Did you tell her that's effing hot? If you felt threatened by it, why do you think?

Maybe you could talk about this with a sex therapist, but what's wrong with her bringing some of that self-pleasuring into your lovemaking. Does she normally? To increase her arousal. It's not uncommon for partners to use self-stimulation, and sexual aids in lovemaking. Maybe instead of feeling shocked or even threatened by it, how might it feel to invite it into your sex together if you do not now (180s)?

Or to suggest to her, hey the next time you feel like pleasuring yourself, call me in halfway and I’ll eff your brains out. If the PE may currently shorten the time that you are engaged in actual intercourse (while you are working that out), what about if her self-pleasuring, sex toys/aids, and anti-PE cream for you, and other non-intercourse forms of you pleasuring became part of your lovemaking? You could still be going at it like rabbits with her turned on seeing that you are a sexual being too. If her self-pleasuring during sex or you using sex toys and exploring alternative ways of pleasuring her have not been part of your lovemaking, they could be 180s as well. Shopping for sex toys/aids together that make things mutually fun. new, and less pressured? Getting her lingerie or new toys that makes her feel sexy or more aroused?

Reading about PE, it seems a lot of the techniques and aids you first practice how well they work to prolong sexual activity during masturbation and take those techniques that work into the bedroom. So you could try out some new toys or techniques on your own before initiating them with her.

PE affects your partner from the decreased sexual satisfaction and also the feeling of disconnect if one partner 'finishes' differently than the other, with a loss of attraction that can result from both. Finding alternative ways to increase her sexual arousal and to increase the likelihood that you both feel sexually engaged and fulfilled together can increase the attraction.

As can the fact that you have simply listened to and heard her feelings about this issue.