She came home drunk, woke me up, and started with all the usual "I don't want to D, we can make arrangements" type talk. On the advice of others here I validated and asked questions rather than my usual "let's talk in the morning".
Good. This 180 likely surprised her.
Two key and seemly common points from her: She doesn’t want a D. She sounds willing to consider arrangements (for you and her, and in what form that be, still to be determined. The thing is, she is open to it).
Originally Posted by Maturin
The conversation then drifted to our sex life.
Originally Posted by Maturin
Last night I had perhaps the most difficult conversation with my wife since DDay.
Yep. Difficult conversation. A pretty common topic that couples often don’t discuss.
Originally Posted by Maturin
Well my wife opened up and told me it's not fun for her because of my PE issue, and it's always been the case.
Always been the case, is unlikely. A reoccurring event that has built up resentment over the years is more probable.
At any rate, W opened up. Shared something deeply personal. Something she has never shared.
Originally Posted by Maturin
I was falling apart inside but held it together.
Yes, there would be quite a bit of shell shock.
First thing, breathe. Just breathe.
Ego. Bruised and hurt. It’s ok.
PE is not rare. Something like 1/3 of the population experiences it. And it is treatable/manageable.
Stress, depression, trauma, one’s emotional state all play a part/cause too. The news from one’s partner, of course, furthering and deepening these aforementioned issues.
Originally Posted by Maturin
I would like some solid advice on how to move forward as a man.
Do some research. There are several techniques and strategies that help.
Speak with your doctor. Another difficult conversation. A quick internet search of PE leads to a trove of information. And some very open honest questions to ask yourself regarding time frames, life long or recent, solo effects vs partner, and so on; all which you speak with the doctor about.
Speak with W. Yes, more difficult conversations. Like I said, she opened up to you. Imagine the difficulty in bringing up such a topic/conversation. The ice is broken, it’s out in the open, and on the table. Do not just push it off the table. Explore. Discuss.
Originally Posted by Maturin
She claims we have never had a good SL, even claiming that when she hears other couples talking about "going at it like rabbits" when they were newlywed, she doesn't remember that for us.
That may or may not be “true” or a factual accounting of history. I suspect you remember things somewhat differently. Point is, it’s how she felt last night. So go forward, with a grain salt too. Remember, this is smattered within everything else going on. Sussing the truth / root causes requires patience and a steady approach. Demonstrated behaviours vs words. Her words have grains of truth, yet there are plenty of unspoken things from her side as well.
Originally Posted by Maturin
She also told me she pleasures herself regularly, which shocked me. Over the years she has claimed I have a higher libido than her, but now she admits she does have a sex drive.
She found herself long before she ever found you. Some guys have a really difficult time with that. Find your acceptance that she has a functioning sex drive. On occasion take over her solo controls before ML.
Originally Posted by Maturin
she dropped the bomb that she doesn't feel that attracted to me anymore after all that's happened.
Contrary to her words, W is still/somewhat attracted to you. I do have first hand experience being the recipient of indifference. If W was not interested, she’d not wake you up, nor tell you any of this stuff.
Do your research. Do what you can control. Be open to further conversations as she is willing to. The hardest part is getting these conversations started and out in the open, that’s happened.
Keep DBing, and keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
