bust, thanks for that reply. I will read it but I am logging on now for some help.
Last night I had perhaps the most difficult conversation with my wife since DDay. She came home drunk, woke me up, and started with all the usual "I don't want to D, we can make arrangements" type talk. On the advice of others here I validated and asked questions rather than my usual "let's talk in the morning". The conversation then drifted to our sex life. I have stopped pressuring there but we have a dead bedroom, with no intimacy since September and prior to that, 12-15 times per year for a few years.
Now, I have struggled with PE in the past and the last few years of dead bedroom and have it much worse: with sex being so rare, the pressure is on to make it good and I have an issue. It has popped up here and there in our marriage, but in my view we had years of a good SL.
Well my wife opened up and told me it's not fun for her because of my PE issue, and it's always been the case. She claims we have never had a good SL, even claiming that when she hears other couples talking about "going at it like rabbits" when they were newlywed, she doesn't remember that for us. She also told me she pleasures herself regularly, which shocked me. Over the years she has claimed I have a higher libido than her, but now she admits she does have a sex drive.
I validated and listened, and asked questions. I was falling apart inside but held it together. When I suggested we both can meet each other's needs, she dropped the bomb that she doesn't feel that attracted to me anymore after all that's happened. I said something to the effect of "well it's not fair or reasonable for either of us to stay in a marriage that isn't meeting our needs, so let's talk more in the morning". We ended up having sex for a few minutes, but she was so not into it that I stopped the act (no PE issue, ironically).
I haven't slept all night. This was so hurtful to hear, and I would like some solid advice on how to move forward as a man. My instincts tell me to hear her out, and that part of this is "rewriting history" as some WW do. I will continue taking actions like GAL and my 180s. But as someone who always thought of myself as attractive and desirable, this hurt like hell to hear. I have more to say but I have to run. This forum has kept me sane for months, please talk me off the mental ledge here.
