Maturin - My Story (2)

[bustorama]

she was drunkenly asking how we can avoid D (that's right: sober January lasted 6 days). At first I was calm and told her "I won't repeat myself, you know what needs to happen for D to be avoided".

What needs to happen? There's 2 people. So, it's not only what you need from her.

1) Remind me what do you need from her. What of her actions make you feel like her fallback plan? What are the non-negotiables still happening between the two of you that you cannot abide? What are you doing when she crosses these boundaries? If you are not communicating and enforcing in some way, then she will think you will keep waiting around for her wayward self while she tramples all over your fences. And she will keep losing respect and attraction for the man she wished she respected and was attracted to.

2) And, what actions does she need from you? Do you have any idea? How can you find out?

I can guarantee you that listening and validation are two high ones on that list.

But, also leading action -- a self-assured man with firm boundaries that won't allow her to trample them, but who also is enough of a rock to hear her through her anger or tears and not control her.

When she cries to you drunk about the R, she is wishing you could lead her and the two of you out of this place of misery. As long as she is not in an affair or crossing core boundaries, listen closely to her.

3) And, what do you need to change in yourself?

Remember that she is not strong enough to change your actions, thoughts, or feelings. Those are up to you.

You said that at some point shortly after she disclosed her PA, that she was very remorseful and wanting to work on things.

But, you were too hurt. And you did not forgive then, still have not forgiven. Instead, you built a wall. You do not trust her. Partly because you still feel rejected and disrespected by her.

Even if she was acting perfectly (there is no such thing), she can't make you trust her. She can't make you forgive her. She can't melt your wall. Those are things only you can do. And you will need to do so if you will be able to reconnect with anyone again -- her or someone else. Are you working on any of these issues with an IC?

Something I find helpful for forgiveness is to remind myself that everyone makes perfect sense to themselves all the time. When you have acted badly towards her in the past, at that moment, it made perfect sense to you that you did or said whatever you did. Overcome by emotion, the heat of the moment, or whatever, you let an insult fly or 'lost control' of your actions in some way. But it made perfect sense in that instant because you acted on the impulse of your feelings. (If it did not make sense, you wouldn't have said or done it.). Only in retrospect and a different mind state, you see it was wrong and not how you truly feel.

It's similar in some ways with affairs -- but over much longer timescales of acting on extreme feelings. People feel justified in their waywardness because they are acting on their feelings instead of values. Think of how YOU might have to feel to even entertain the idea of having an affair. You protest, I'D NEVER DO THAT! NO WAY! I'm sure your W thought that about herself too.

And yet, she did.

So think of what feelings she must have been experiencing for her to engage in an affair because there's no respectful reason to think she was much more open to having an affair than you are. And once someone engages in an affair, it damages their sense of self too. The cognitive dissonance associated with having an affair is off the charts -- cause only 'bad people' have affairs. That leads to either major entitlement and more waywardness (if recognizing they were not entitled to have an affair is just too much of a threat to your self-image of being a good person) or devastating guilt and shame (recognizing the enormous harm they have caused).

In either case, the emotional world of person who had the affair also is blown up. So it is unsurprising that there is a lot of drinking self-medication and bad behavior that continues post-affair. If you have not read any books about recovery from affair, it may be helpful because it can be very hard for someone to empathize with the emotional world of someone who had an affair --during and after the affair. And that understanding can promote healing for both parties. When she has brought up the idea of what it would take -- if she is sincere about it -- how about as a starting point seeing a couples counselor for affair recovery. Are you open to that? Have you identified possible ones?

While you avoid and reject her now too and admonish her that she knows what she needs to do, how likely will she feel connected to you and want to be intimate with you?

So long as she is not violating your core boundaries, it's a fine line of not accepting crap behavior and disrespect, working on yourself/GAL, and listening and validating her so you can begin to speak her love languages better as/when she approaches you with a desire to work on the R.