Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Card29]

Just checking in. I'm going to read through some of the cases going on here. I hope everyone is getting great advice and feeling the support of this forum. I know this is one of the toughest times of the year in general, at least in the northern hemisphere. So if you're going through a hard time, keep posting, keep listening, and try your best to find things in your daily life that bring you joy. You have to feel the pain for a while, but if you work through it, you will eventually get relief.

Things are mostly going well with me. The negatives were just some rough times over the holidays. And that wasn't anything I didn't expect. This is my 2nd time going through a D with a young kid involved, with similar timing relative to the holidays, so I expected some unpleasant feelings. I survived and am feeling really good to start the new year despite the terrible weather.

I've been going to the gym almost 7 days a week now. (I switched from 4 to 7 days after I saw an interview of a bodybuilder. He said he goes 7 days a week "because he knows it will probably be 6" due to whatever comes up. Cutting a day out of a 7 day workout week isn't nearly as big a deal as cutting a day out of 4 workouts. I have a routine that I really enjoy, and I can even squeeze it in on a lunch during the weeks I have the kids. That's critical since going to the gym before/after work while the kids are with me is very difficult. I can leave D11 alone for something quick like a run to the store to get milk, but I don't really want to leave her home alone with S2 for 1.5 hours while I'm working out and driving to/from the gym.

I've been reading a book recommended by my counselor called The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. So far it's a basic guide to meditation, but it comes at it from a different angle than I've seen or heard from other sources (which has been primarily youtube videos and meditation apps). I'm not rushing through it. I'm reading one short chapter every few days and dwelling on it. The last one has really hit a note for me. It talked about "opening" and "closing", making yourself available to feeling love, happiness joy. It feels a bit like "if you're feeling down, force a smile on your face and it can pick you up", but more effective for me.

Speaking of counseling, a bit of bad news there. I have one more session with my IC at the end of January, but then I won't be able to see her again. I'm seeing her through my employer's EAP program, but they are cutting off that benefit. You can't book appointments directly with any counselors at this organization as they're exclusively available through EAP contracts with companies. I'll be searching for a new counselor as she has been invaluable to me even after I was able to escape the miserable days of the S.

On the WAW front: No changes. No D filed, no talk of it. We're coparenting well. I saw her apartment for the first time a couple weeks ago. She's been very helpful in getting the S2 schedule aligned with my calendar with D11 so that the kids are with me together. It wasn't perfect over the holidays, and I'll never expect it to be perfect all of the time. But right now we have a nice, easy week-on week-off for the next few months. Summer will be trickier as everyone is booking trips, vacations, etc.

WAW and I have been texting more often about things other than just S2 schedule and need-to-know info. I don't know if she's less afraid that I'm going to hate her or what. I'm not reading into it too much. I'd still love to work on our M but I'm usually not dwelling on it. i'm truly acting as if I'm moving on. I'm enjoying the kids when I have them, and I enjoy the freedom and extra time when I have that. I wish I had a family full time, but if the universe is giving me a week to myself, I'm going to take advantage of it.

I can also feel myself settling into single life. Still a long way to go. But as a reminder, after a couple months ago hurting with W gone, I was suddenly feeling the urge to flirt with girls. For the time being, I've been able to let go of that. Just enjoying the company of whoever I'm with. Kids, friends, family or just myself.

Worst thing in day-to-day life is now my job. Our company is struggling on 10 different fronts. Everyone is stressed. Systems aren't working smoothly. Customers are pissed. And I was burnt out here *before* the separation and *before* all of the ____ hit the fan in our company. I really need to get started with the job hunt process, but it will take me dedicating energy to the whole process. I'm really not wasting too much time these days, so I'll need to cut something out for a while to get that process kick started.