I have given lots of thought to your feedback over the past few days. I have talked with my therapist, friends, family and coworkers. I questioned them all about the possibility having addiction issues. None of them, including myself, think that I currently have chemical dependency/ addiction issues. However, there is no doubt that my exploration of psychedelic substances was bad for my marriage. Though it was actually good for me, it was very bad for my relationship. I am still interested in exploring my consciousness via psychedelic substances. I am very interested in doing treatment sessions with Ketamine or MDMA. I know these therapies are not very common or really mainstream throughout the US. However, they are very well researched and pretty common here (Seattle). I have spoken to a number of nurses that I work with that have done Ketamine therapy. They all had very positive experiences. I think it's important to note that I am not talking about doing drugs and going to a dance party. In the past I have done solo psychedelic therapy at home alone. In hindsight, that was a mistake. I should have done it with a therapist/ guide. That would have given it more legitimacy to my wife. In my defense, I had her watch "How to Change Your Mind" on Netflix and linked her to the Sam Harris on Tim Ferriss podcast (Ep. 14 if interested). So, I really tried to involve her. If my wife and I divorce, I will definitely look for someone that shares my interest in these things.
I'm not going to beat around the bush here... if you want a relationship with someone who is going to accept your fascination with psychedelics... you need to cut your wife loose. It's not going to be her... and she will NEVER accept it.
She told you it made her uncomfortable - you ignored her requests. She worried about you getting caught - you invalidated her feelings. Your wife sat there day after day in fear because although you could have chosen to do it the legal way - you chose to do it YOUR way.
Same thing when the ADHD. You could have gotten received legally prescribed medication - but again you chose not to. You chose YOUR way and she paid the price.
That's trauma for her so it doesn't matter if you now want to do guided ketamine sessions now. That ship hasn't sailed - it has hit the iceberg and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. She's not going to want to be around it when there is so pain attached to it for her.
When it comes to this topic - you have chosen yourself and still continue to do so. That's fine - but you need to understand that as long as psychedelics are a part of your life - she won't be. It will be a constant reminder in her head that these drugs are more important to her - which will make repair work impossible.
I have yet to see someone who has experienced substance-induced trauma from the partner not uphold a sobriety boundary to keep themselves safe. You, by no means have to adhere to it. But hopefully you will learn to understand why she has every right to ask for it.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
