Runaway remorse

[Jalan1]

Hello everyone! I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has given me their perspective on my situation. It has been very thought provoking.

I have given lots of thought to your feedback over the past few days. I have talked with my therapist, friends, family and coworkers. I questioned them all about the possibility having addiction issues. None of them, including myself, think that I currently have chemical dependency/ addiction issues. However, there is no doubt that my exploration of psychedelic substances was bad for my marriage. Though it was actually good for me, it was very bad for my relationship. I am still interested in exploring my consciousness via psychedelic substances. I am very interested in doing treatment sessions with Ketamine or MDMA. I know these therapies are not very common or really mainstream throughout the US. However, they are very well researched and pretty common here (Seattle). I have spoken to a number of nurses that I work with that have done Ketamine therapy. They all had very positive experiences. I think it's important to note that I am not talking about doing drugs and going to a dance party. In the past I have done solo psychedelic therapy at home alone. In hindsight, that was a mistake. I should have done it with a therapist/ guide. That would have given it more legitimacy to my wife. In my defense, I had her watch "How to Change Your Mind" on Netflix and linked her to the Sam Harris on Tim Ferriss podcast (Ep. 14 if interested). So, I really tried to involve her. If my wife and I divorce, I will definitely look for someone that shares my interest in these things.

As for my wife cheating, of course it's possible. However, she paid for the move by cashing in her 401k. So, she had around $10,000 of her own money. I know that because I got her statements in the mail. She also talked to my mom on Christmas day. My mom asked her directly about another person and she said something like no way, she wasn't ready for that. I believe her. Also, we did sessions with 2 separate LMFT therapists and the intake forms were long and detailed. We had to switch therapists due to my wife's schedule. After my wife decided to take a break from counseling, I asked the therapist if there was another romantic interest involved and without pause, she said that I had nothing to worry about. Ultimately, if she wants to hook up with someone it's her choice. I have to continue giving her the space she requested and respect her choices.

Most of the replies here say it's going to take a long time, etc. To me it's been a long time. I have been in individual therapy for 9 months. I have learned all about empathy, listening, my emotions, my needs, etc. I have been practicing all that I have learned with friends, family, and coworkers. I certainly am not a master of these techniques, but I have come a long way! I had no idea really what empathy was. It certainly wasn't part of my communication toolset. However, now I can recognize when I should be empathetic, and I have saved lists of empathetic statements that I look through to help me. It's really close to just happening naturally. That's borderline miraculous! I also have been consciously practicing active listening with my coworker friends. I am a better person for it. My therapist has told me multiple times that she was comfortable pausing therapy. She thinks I've made great progress. I said that I would like to continue because I still feel an underlying anxiety, and that's not a feeling that I am used to. I have prescriptions for anti anxiety meds, but they didn't really help. I know this feeling is based in my belief that she will return but hasn't. It's been so long that I'm doubting myself and how well I know her.

This is going to sound defensive, but throughout the past 8 months that she's been gone, I haven't been a complete desperate idiot. With the exception of the days following my best friend's suicide, I have been an amazing person. I have been kind, funny, helpful, thoughtful, and consistent - all the things that make me the wonderful person that I am. Though it wasn't silence, I would wait for her to initiate contact. I wouldn't respond immediately unless it was necessary. I didn't do any "love bombing" or attempt to "nice" her back to me. I was just honest. The older I get the more I value transparency. If I took a cute pic of the dogs, I would send it to her. If she needed help with her parents Visa paperwork, I helped her. If I wasn't sure how to respond, I would ask my therapist or my older female coworkers. The comment that I have continuously heard in real life from all the people involved in the situation is "You're way too nice" or "I can't believe you have waited this long! Other men would have replaced her long ago". I have genuinely tried to be respectful, kind, and understanding. She left saying she was confused and needed space, not that she wanted a divorce. My mom also her asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she didn't know. If I did say something about us, it would be like "I just want you to know that I love you and miss you. I'm always here for you if you need me. I know I have made plenty of mistakes. I'm working on them. I hope you can forgive me. I'm so sorry". At the worst I would send a pic of the dogs looking kinda sad and type "I think the dogs really miss you today." That's a far cry from the old me that would have done something horrible and manipulative. If there is any chance of her coming back, I know that I have to be consistent in my behavior to build/ rebuild trust. No consistency = no trust. No trust = not feeling safe. If she doesn't ever feel safe, I am doomed, and it's over.

It's now been 17 days since she texted me. It's been seven and a half months since she left. I have only seen via webcam 3 times since she left. Twice were with a marriage counselor, and once was via webcam at our house so she could see/ talk to the dogs. The last time was the middle of November. She refuses to videochat with me or even talk on the telephone. My therapist said that in 20 yrs of doing couples work, she hasn't seen someone so reluctant to communicate. My last text to her was "My therapist told me that I need to shut off your access to the cams. She told me that it's giving me a false sense of connection when you are choosing not to participate in our marriage. It's important to my health to have my privacy". She didn't reply. Not even an "Ok" or "FU". I have been doing fine. I made a new older, somewhat recently divorced friend that I text with daily and hangout with every other day or so. This all leads up to the question that I have no answer for. My therapist asks me this weekly - "How long are you going to wait?" I have no idea what the answer is. 8 months is a really long time for me. If I get divorce papers tomorrow, I will know that I really tried. Even though it was too late, I gave it my best shot. However, I've been told on here that 8 months is nothing. I miss intimacy and affection.

I am not the most patient person in the world. I don't have kids. I want to have kids. I'm not getting any younger. I know that if my wife comes back tomorrow, we still have a whole lot of work to do before having children is talked about. I think at least 6 months to a year of marriage counseling needs to happen to learn new communication skills, build new patterns, put them into practice, etc. And that is all assuming that she comes back. I'm not a betting man, but I am fairly certain that Vegas odd would have that outcome as slim or not likely. I wish I had the crystal ball. I just keep praying with the dogs both morning and night that she chooses to come home and work on our relationship. I just keep working on being the best version of me. What I would like to know is if there is a general timeline for silence? Should I throw in the towel if she doesn't contact me in a month? 2 months? When do you say enough is enough? Also, her birthday is Valentine's Day. Do I maintain silence on her birthday if it goes on that long? Thanks again for reading and reaching out. I appreciate it.

[SteveLW]

First, your paragraph on substances is what addicts say. I am a recovering alcoholic so I can spot that a mile away. But I'm done with that for you because a person has to want to get clean. I know that from experience.

As far as her denying there's another person, THEY ALL SAY THAT. Even in the face of undeniable evidence they will deny. They will deny until they are ready to go public with their new person. So the fact that she's denying it means nothing.

Finally, how long to wait? Well first, 9 months isn't long. Sometimes these situations go on for years. What you have to decide is how long you want to wait. That answer is different for everyone. I, at the guidance of an anti-divorce author, decided to give it one year after BD. So one year after BD if she wasn't fully recommitted back to the marriage I was going to go file myself. Maybe for you it's 9 months. For some it's 2 years. Some are willing to wait forever. The nice thing about picking a date is that it gives you light at the end of the tunnel, one way or another. No one can blame you for waiting to move on. Also, divorce isn't necessarily the final end that many drum it up to be in their heads. Many couples have divorced and still reconciled.

In the end, it's up to you how long you wait.

[DnJ]

Hello Jalan

I’m glad you recognize all the positive changes you’ve made the past eight or nine months. Empathy, active listening, emotional intelligent, and such are all very useful life lessons and new tools in your toolbox. Keep at it!

Though it wasn't silence, I would wait for her to initiate contact. I wouldn't respond immediately unless it was necessary. I didn't do any "love bombing" or attempt to "nice" her back to me. I was just honest. The older I get the more I value transparency. If I took a cute pic of the dogs, I would send it to her. If she needed help with her parents Visa paperwork, I helped her.

A good rule to implement is the 48 hour rule. Wait at least 48 hours before responding to W. This allows ample time for your emotions to settle and for you to utilize your reason and logic on how, even if, you respond.

Very few things will require an immediate reply. Kids are the main one. With no kids, that leaves life threatening illness or injury. Emergency type stuff.

Also, some topics require no reply.

If I wasn't sure how to respond, I would ask my therapist or my older female coworkers. The comment that I have continuously heard in real life from all the people involved in the situation is "You're way too nice" or "I can't believe you have waited this long! Other men would have replaced her long ago".

It is good to seek counsel and guidance when unsure on what to say. However, until one has walked a mile in these shoes, they simply do not know.

Friends and family do not want to see you suffer. And they, like you, wish for a quick resolution. The comment of how other men would have replaced her long ago is pretty telling of how they wish a quick fix for you. Folks do mean well. Still, people aren’t replaceable. Marriage is not to be just tossed aside.

DB is rather counterintuitive. It feels wrong, yet it isn’t. The process gives you the best chance of reconciling.

I have genuinely tried to be respectful, kind, and understanding. She left saying she was confused and needed space, not that she wanted a divorce. My mom also her asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she didn't know. If I did say something about us, it would be like "I just want you to know that I love you and miss you. I'm always here for you if you need me. I know I have made plenty of mistakes. I'm working on them. I hope you can forgive me. I'm so sorry". At the worst I would send a pic of the dogs looking kinda sad and type "I think the dogs really miss you today." That's a far cry from the old me that would have done something horrible and manipulative.

Telling her you are always here for her, telling her your progress and working on your mistakes, pictures of the dogs, asking/begging her for forgiveness, assuring her you are working and changing - all big time pressure.

The more pressure you apply the more she will push away. Keep at it, and she will leave.

For sure, do not do anything manipulative or horrible as your old self would have. This realization of how you’ve changed for the better is going to take time for W to see and believe in. She needs to know and find faith that your positive changes are permanent and not some ploy like old you. Your best way forwards is in the opposite direction of this pressure and relationship stuff. Like I said, counterintuitive.

If there is any chance of her coming back, I know that I have to be consistent in my behavior to build/ rebuild trust. No consistency = no trust. No trust = not feeling safe. If she doesn't ever feel safe, I am doomed, and it's over.

Yes, let your behaviour speak.

However, there is no doubt that my exploration of psychedelic substances was bad for my marriage.

Are you willing to alter this behaviour of your’s?

I agree with Steve regarding the substances. I had to look up most of the references. Not really over the counter pharmaceuticals. Oh my browser history, I’m going to get some strange advertisements .

You are correct, if W doesn’t feel safe she is very unlikely to return.

I just keep praying with the dogs both morning and night that she chooses to come home and work on our relationship.

Prayer is an interesting thing. Most times folks ask and hope for something, and hope to not have to do any hard work. IMHO, God doesn’t work that way.

If one prays for strength, God provides trials and hurdles to overcome, so as to build the very strength and resilience asked for.

All prayers are answered, just likely not how we’d want them to be. Prayers are answered and delivered how they best need to be. Us mortals cannot see enough to actual know the best way or answer. And yes, sometimes the answer is no.

You’ve found yourself here. Received some heartfelt suggestions and advice from folks with much hard-earned wisdom. There is a path being offered to you. Perhaps an answer. Though not the way or journey you are wanting or expecting.

I just keep working on being the best version of me.

Absolutely! This is all you can really control. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

I still feel an underlying anxiety, and that's not a feeling that I am used to. I have prescriptions for anti anxiety meds, but they didn't really help. I know this feeling is based in my belief that she will return but hasn't. It's been so long that I'm doubting myself and how well I know her.

Anxiety and worry comes from living in the future. Depression comes from living in the past. Peace comes from living in the present.

Let go the rope or be dragged.

Focus on you.

Realize doing nothing is still doing something.

You’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely. Be present.

What I would like to know is if there is a general timeline for silence?

Being dark or dim is, like most advice here, for you. It is not a tactic or manipulation to win W back. It is providing time and space. And providing you a healthy space to heal and find your emotional balance.

Should I throw in the towel if she doesn't contact me in a month? 2 months?

Direct answer. No!

Let go expectations. Dial your expectations to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentment. And resentment is like acid to a relationship or standing/healing/reconciling.

When do you say enough is enough?

Everyone finds their own line in the sand. My advice, hang in there longer. Whatever decision regarding timelines, do so from your beliefs, values, and convictions. Not feelings. Decisions made based upon feelings lead to regrets.

A word on hope.

There is hope for your marriage.

Hope is desire without time.

Hope lives within the possibilities.

When one places a deadline or timeline upon a desire, it becomes an expectation. And nothing kills hope like a deadline.

Hope is a well spring of strength and fortitude. And what you hope for will change as you heal and grow. As an example, at the start I too prayed and hoped W would come back. I now hope she is happy and finds peace. Live in the possibilities and keep your hope alive.

Also, her birthday is Valentine's Day. Do I maintain silence on her birthday if it goes on that long?

She needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship before she might start back. Time and space are your best allies in your cause. In time, W might realize that hey, Jalan1 hasn’t been bothering me for a while and I’m still unhappy. Then, with some good fortune, she might consider that hmmm, maybe my unhappiness is not because of him. And with even more good fortune, she would look inward and work on her.

During this time, you are doing your inner work. For you! And if/when she does reach back you are well along your path. Like you said, consistent and demonstrated behaviours.

As for specifics regarding her birthday / Valentine’s Day. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. You can attempt some things, go really slow though, and if it goes well, great. If it goes poorly, back off, and do not attempt it again for a good long while.

Given your texting history and previous conversations. And that she’s gone silent. I’d likely let the day pass without any fuss.

If something changes between now and then, and it likely will, reassess.

Remember, anxiety = future. Live today. The future is unwritten and thankfully unknown. Let it unfold on its time.

D

[SteveLW]

My vote for her birthday and vday is to NOT reach out at all . Give her what she wants on her bday: time and space.

[Valeska19]

I have given lots of thought to your feedback over the past few days. I have talked with my therapist, friends, family and coworkers. I questioned them all about the possibility having addiction issues. None of them, including myself, think that I currently have chemical dependency/ addiction issues. However, there is no doubt that my exploration of psychedelic substances was bad for my marriage. Though it was actually good for me, it was very bad for my relationship. I am still interested in exploring my consciousness via psychedelic substances. I am very interested in doing treatment sessions with Ketamine or MDMA. I know these therapies are not very common or really mainstream throughout the US. However, they are very well researched and pretty common here (Seattle). I have spoken to a number of nurses that I work with that have done Ketamine therapy. They all had very positive experiences. I think it's important to note that I am not talking about doing drugs and going to a dance party. In the past I have done solo psychedelic therapy at home alone. In hindsight, that was a mistake. I should have done it with a therapist/ guide. That would have given it more legitimacy to my wife. In my defense, I had her watch "How to Change Your Mind" on Netflix and linked her to the Sam Harris on Tim Ferriss podcast (Ep. 14 if interested). So, I really tried to involve her. If my wife and I divorce, I will definitely look for someone that shares my interest in these things.

I'm not going to beat around the bush here... if you want a relationship with someone who is going to accept your fascination with psychedelics... you need to cut your wife loose. It's not going to be her... and she will NEVER accept it.

She told you it made her uncomfortable - you ignored her requests. She worried about you getting caught - you invalidated her feelings. Your wife sat there day after day in fear because although you could have chosen to do it the legal way - you chose to do it YOUR way.

Same thing when the ADHD. You could have gotten received legally prescribed medication - but again you chose not to. You chose YOUR way and she paid the price.

That's trauma for her so it doesn't matter if you now want to do guided ketamine sessions now. That ship hasn't sailed - it has hit the iceberg and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. She's not going to want to be around it when there is so pain attached to it for her.

When it comes to this topic - you have chosen yourself and still continue to do so. That's fine - but you need to understand that as long as psychedelics are a part of your life - she won't be. It will be a constant reminder in her head that these drugs are more important to her - which will make repair work impossible.

I have yet to see someone who has experienced substance-induced trauma from the partner not uphold a sobriety boundary to keep themselves safe. You, by no means have to adhere to it. But hopefully you will learn to understand why she has every right to ask for it.

[Kind18]

Valeska is 100% correct.

However, there is no doubt that my exploration of psychedelic substances was bad for my marriage. Though it was actually good for me, it was very bad for my relationship. I am still interested in exploring my consciousness via psychedelic substances.

Translated:

“I know drugs ruined my marriage. But I like drugs. I still choose to take them knowing my wife doesn’t like it and feels unsafe. Please help me get my wife back even though she’s my second highest priority.”

Don’t know why you’re here to be honest. You have a clear choice to give yourself a small chance at saving your marriage, and you are refusing to make that choice.

That’s okay, you’re an adult and you’re free to choose whatever you want.

But from the cheap seats, your choices are not congruent with coming to this website.

[Jalan1]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I needed to hear it. Some of the things you say are beautiful and bring me to tears. I tried reading the part about hope to a coworker but became so emotional that I had to text it instead. I have read that part over and over. I will carry that with me for the rest of my days.

The same goes for the depression= the past, anxiety= the future. That is a golden nugget of wisdom that helps me keep things in perspective. Although I am all over the place emotionally, it helps to think about those words. My therapist said something similar "With one foot in the past, and one foot in the future, you are pissing away the present." It's not easy for me to stay present.

What has been the most difficult for me is the feelings. I didn't really pay attention to my feelings in the past. Now that I do, the bad feelings seem to greatly outnumber the good ones. The sadness, regret, guilt, anxiety, and uncertainty are mighty in their presence. Even though I have been in weekly therapy sessions, for me it has been overwhelming. Then throw all the grief and self-questioning from my best friend's suicide, and some days I feel emotional paralyzed. Knowing that I need to just feel these feelings has been rough. They aren't going away or even really dissipating. It's relentless. I know that I will get through this. I do my best to have no expectations.

As for the drug stuff, there is no question that I would choose my marriage over psychedelics. The difficult part for me to accept is that I didn't pick up on the signs. I feel terrible for being such an obtuse idiot. My wife never said, "If you don't stop xyz, I'm leaving". Our communication was not good. I was selfish. I talked to my mother, and she clarified what my wife was afraid of. My mother said that she was afraid of me going to jail for growing mushrooms in the garage. She wasn't afraid of me physically. So, that makes me feel a little better. As for my wife and drugs, her culture is VERY against it. However, she took THC edibles frequently, she tried microdosing mushrooms, and told me that she wanted to try LSD. I read somewhere that "women are trying to make changes throughout the relationship and men try to make changes when it's already too late." Sadly. that describes me and the unintentional selfishness I chose that ultimately destroyed my marriage.

I think SteveLW was right about looking for a quick fix. However, the quick fix was for me, and not my marriage. I looked to psychedelics to fix my depression. I have been suffering from severe depression for a few years now. Being in health care through Covid has been exhausting, both mentally and physically. I did not take good care of myself. I didn't take good care of my wife. I don't think we knew how to take care of each other and it went on way too long. We used to take vacations and see her family. We haven't taken a vacation since Covid. I was usually working 6 days a week. I needed something to change. As a health care provider, I really didn't want to go the SSRI route for treatment. Same for the ADHD, I didn't want to try Adderall. I wanted to try something less addictive. I wanted a big change. So, I tried mushrooms and then LSD. It wasn't the fix I was hoping for. My wife knew why I was doing what I did. There's lots of evidence-based data that supports psychedelic use as a treatment for depression. Unfortunately for me, my wife also wanted a big change, and she got that by having the courage to leave me.

I frequently read a post from Sparky in the "Going Dark 101". It's beautiful to me. I am certain my wife was terribly depressed as well.

There was obviously something very wrong that made them decide they wanted out in the first place. Oftentimes, it is probably the case that they are depressed and they have lost faith that anything can ever change. That patterns are set and are not reversible. It's a sign of depression to feel this kind of hopelessness.

One thing they knew for sure was that they did not want you in the picture. When people are depressed and confused about their identity like many people who request separations are, they become cognitively disorganized and impulsive in their choices. And when you are coming at them trying to make them stay with you, it just feels bad and like there's a pressure there to stay where they were.

And they don't want to stay where they were. They are wanting big changes. And if you stay the same as you always have been, and are unwilling to allow them to go on the journey that they need, or you are setting agendas about how they need to be, you just look like a controlling wench or [censored]. You become a representation of what they were trying to get away from.

As long as you keep pressuring them, you don't stand a chance. You will remain the embodiment of those bad feelings they are having. You will be something to avoid. You will make it very easy for them to continue to project or blame you for the bad feelings that reside inside of them.

If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.

If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you [censored]. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.

I'm afraid that if I let go, I will just keep falling. I'm further down than I have ever been before. I can't stay focused on the present. I am an emotional tetherball being beaten in one direction that's depression, and then the other that's anxiety. It's rough. However, I tell myself that my wife probably felt how I am feeling, but for much longer. I am doing my penance. Even though I know it takes two, I feel like I earned these feelings. That it's karmic consequences. The good thing is that I am not choking back a 12 pack like the good ole days to make the feelings go away. I don't feel like I am running away from my feelings. Even though I don't like how I feel, I know it can't stay like this forever. I need to be patient and work through these feelings. Let them come and go. I'm doing my best.

I've been in the dark for 25 days now. I know that isn't much for most of you. Hopefully, some better times are around the corner. I haven't lost hope.

[Jalan1]

Valeska is 100% correct.

However, there is no doubt that my exploration of psychedelic substances was bad for my marriage. Though it was actually good for me, it was very bad for my relationship. I am still interested in exploring my consciousness via psychedelic substances.

Translated:

“I know drugs ruined my marriage. But I like drugs. I still choose to take them knowing my wife doesn’t like it and feels unsafe. Please help me get my wife back even though she’s my second highest priority.”

Don’t know why you’re here to be honest. You have a clear choice to give yourself a small chance at saving your marriage, and you are refusing to make that choice.

That’s okay, you’re an adult and you’re free to choose whatever you want.

But from the cheap seats, your choices are not congruent with coming to this website.

Not gonna lie, this one stung a bit. When you said in your first post on my story that you thought we had a good chance at saving our marriage, it was one of the happier moments in the past 8 months.

I really appreciate your perspective. However, it is really confusing to me. I haven't had a drink in over 10 1/2 years. I quit smoking maybe 3 or 4 years ago. In the past 3 years I have done LSD 3 times (twice in the past 2 months), and Psilocybin once. 12 years ago, I was drinking a 12 pack a day and a case on the weekend days. I am confronting my emotions now. In the past I was running from them. I don't feel a chemical dependence like I did in the past.

My wife is more important to me than psychedelics. I have to disagree with you and say that it was depression that destroyed my marriage, not drugs. I feel sad that you don't think I belong here. I have really tried my best to be as open and honest as I can be. I accept the mistakes that I have made, and there have been many. I am open to trying basically anything. I came here looking for guidance and support. My way of doing things wasn't working. If you truly believe that I don't belong here, that hurts. I was really excited to post on here. I am doing my best.

[SteveLW]

Jalan1, stay in IC. Keep busy. Focus on being your best. Everyday try to improve in some way. Knowledge, personality, kindness, charity, religion, anything positive! Improve, move forward, become the best version of you, for you, that you can be!

Remember, this is an imperfect world. No one and nothing is guaranteed to be in your life tomorrow. You have to face that fact and remember that you can't control what happens to you, but how your react to it! Life is 10% what happens, and 90% your attitude towards it. You're only paralyzed by your feelings if you allow it! Our society has lied to us about things being out of our control. We can control our thoughts, our emotions, our attitudeand our actions! Learn self-control, temperance, and patience. It is hard but it can be done!

I believe in you. You got this. Keep on keeping on.

[Jalan1]

Jalan1, stay in IC. Keep busy. Focus on being your best. Everyday try to improve in some way. Knowledge, personality, kindness, charity, religion, anything positive! Improve, move forward, become the best version of you, for you, that you can be!

Remember, this is an imperfect world. No one and nothing is guaranteed to be in your life tomorrow. You have to face that fact and remember that you can't control what happens to you, but how your react to it! Life is 10% what happens, and 90% your attitude towards it. You're only paralyzed by your feelings if you allow it! Our society has lied to us about things being out of our control. We can control our thoughts, our emotions, our attitudeand our actions! Learn self-control, temperance, and patience. It is hard but it can be done!

I believe in you. You got this. Keep on keeping on.

Thank you SteveLW. I really appreciate the support and encouragement. It means a lot. I will make more of an effort to be proactive. I have been using the bad weather as an excuse to do nothing the past few days. I know better than to choose stagnation. Thank you for caring. It means more than you know. I appreciate you and hope all is good in your world.