Runaway remorse

[DnJ]

Hello Jalan

I’m glad you recognize all the positive changes you’ve made the past eight or nine months. Empathy, active listening, emotional intelligent, and such are all very useful life lessons and new tools in your toolbox. Keep at it!

Though it wasn't silence, I would wait for her to initiate contact. I wouldn't respond immediately unless it was necessary. I didn't do any "love bombing" or attempt to "nice" her back to me. I was just honest. The older I get the more I value transparency. If I took a cute pic of the dogs, I would send it to her. If she needed help with her parents Visa paperwork, I helped her.

A good rule to implement is the 48 hour rule. Wait at least 48 hours before responding to W. This allows ample time for your emotions to settle and for you to utilize your reason and logic on how, even if, you respond.

Very few things will require an immediate reply. Kids are the main one. With no kids, that leaves life threatening illness or injury. Emergency type stuff.

Also, some topics require no reply.

If I wasn't sure how to respond, I would ask my therapist or my older female coworkers. The comment that I have continuously heard in real life from all the people involved in the situation is "You're way too nice" or "I can't believe you have waited this long! Other men would have replaced her long ago".

It is good to seek counsel and guidance when unsure on what to say. However, until one has walked a mile in these shoes, they simply do not know.

Friends and family do not want to see you suffer. And they, like you, wish for a quick resolution. The comment of how other men would have replaced her long ago is pretty telling of how they wish a quick fix for you. Folks do mean well. Still, people aren’t replaceable. Marriage is not to be just tossed aside.

DB is rather counterintuitive. It feels wrong, yet it isn’t. The process gives you the best chance of reconciling.

I have genuinely tried to be respectful, kind, and understanding. She left saying she was confused and needed space, not that she wanted a divorce. My mom also her asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she didn't know. If I did say something about us, it would be like "I just want you to know that I love you and miss you. I'm always here for you if you need me. I know I have made plenty of mistakes. I'm working on them. I hope you can forgive me. I'm so sorry". At the worst I would send a pic of the dogs looking kinda sad and type "I think the dogs really miss you today." That's a far cry from the old me that would have done something horrible and manipulative.

Telling her you are always here for her, telling her your progress and working on your mistakes, pictures of the dogs, asking/begging her for forgiveness, assuring her you are working and changing - all big time pressure.

The more pressure you apply the more she will push away. Keep at it, and she will leave.

For sure, do not do anything manipulative or horrible as your old self would have. This realization of how you’ve changed for the better is going to take time for W to see and believe in. She needs to know and find faith that your positive changes are permanent and not some ploy like old you. Your best way forwards is in the opposite direction of this pressure and relationship stuff. Like I said, counterintuitive.

If there is any chance of her coming back, I know that I have to be consistent in my behavior to build/ rebuild trust. No consistency = no trust. No trust = not feeling safe. If she doesn't ever feel safe, I am doomed, and it's over.

Yes, let your behaviour speak.

However, there is no doubt that my exploration of psychedelic substances was bad for my marriage.

Are you willing to alter this behaviour of your’s?

I agree with Steve regarding the substances. I had to look up most of the references. Not really over the counter pharmaceuticals. Oh my browser history, I’m going to get some strange advertisements .

You are correct, if W doesn’t feel safe she is very unlikely to return.

I just keep praying with the dogs both morning and night that she chooses to come home and work on our relationship.

Prayer is an interesting thing. Most times folks ask and hope for something, and hope to not have to do any hard work. IMHO, God doesn’t work that way.

If one prays for strength, God provides trials and hurdles to overcome, so as to build the very strength and resilience asked for.

All prayers are answered, just likely not how we’d want them to be. Prayers are answered and delivered how they best need to be. Us mortals cannot see enough to actual know the best way or answer. And yes, sometimes the answer is no.

You’ve found yourself here. Received some heartfelt suggestions and advice from folks with much hard-earned wisdom. There is a path being offered to you. Perhaps an answer. Though not the way or journey you are wanting or expecting.

I just keep working on being the best version of me.

Absolutely! This is all you can really control. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

I still feel an underlying anxiety, and that's not a feeling that I am used to. I have prescriptions for anti anxiety meds, but they didn't really help. I know this feeling is based in my belief that she will return but hasn't. It's been so long that I'm doubting myself and how well I know her.

Anxiety and worry comes from living in the future. Depression comes from living in the past. Peace comes from living in the present.

Let go the rope or be dragged.

Focus on you.

Realize doing nothing is still doing something.

You’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely. Be present.

What I would like to know is if there is a general timeline for silence?

Being dark or dim is, like most advice here, for you. It is not a tactic or manipulation to win W back. It is providing time and space. And providing you a healthy space to heal and find your emotional balance.

Should I throw in the towel if she doesn't contact me in a month? 2 months?

Direct answer. No!

Let go expectations. Dial your expectations to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentment. And resentment is like acid to a relationship or standing/healing/reconciling.

When do you say enough is enough?

Everyone finds their own line in the sand. My advice, hang in there longer. Whatever decision regarding timelines, do so from your beliefs, values, and convictions. Not feelings. Decisions made based upon feelings lead to regrets.

A word on hope.

There is hope for your marriage.

Hope is desire without time.

Hope lives within the possibilities.

When one places a deadline or timeline upon a desire, it becomes an expectation. And nothing kills hope like a deadline.

Hope is a well spring of strength and fortitude. And what you hope for will change as you heal and grow. As an example, at the start I too prayed and hoped W would come back. I now hope she is happy and finds peace. Live in the possibilities and keep your hope alive.

Also, her birthday is Valentine's Day. Do I maintain silence on her birthday if it goes on that long?

She needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship before she might start back. Time and space are your best allies in your cause. In time, W might realize that hey, Jalan1 hasn’t been bothering me for a while and I’m still unhappy. Then, with some good fortune, she might consider that hmmm, maybe my unhappiness is not because of him. And with even more good fortune, she would look inward and work on her.

During this time, you are doing your inner work. For you! And if/when she does reach back you are well along your path. Like you said, consistent and demonstrated behaviours.

As for specifics regarding her birthday / Valentine’s Day. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. You can attempt some things, go really slow though, and if it goes well, great. If it goes poorly, back off, and do not attempt it again for a good long while.

Given your texting history and previous conversations. And that she’s gone silent. I’d likely let the day pass without any fuss.

If something changes between now and then, and it likely will, reassess.

Remember, anxiety = future. Live today. The future is unwritten and thankfully unknown. Let it unfold on its time.

D