Hello everyone! I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has given me their perspective on my situation. It has been very thought provoking.
I have given lots of thought to your feedback over the past few days. I have talked with my therapist, friends, family and coworkers. I questioned them all about the possibility having addiction issues. None of them, including myself, think that I currently have chemical dependency/ addiction issues. However, there is no doubt that my exploration of psychedelic substances was bad for my marriage. Though it was actually good for me, it was very bad for my relationship. I am still interested in exploring my consciousness via psychedelic substances. I am very interested in doing treatment sessions with Ketamine or MDMA. I know these therapies are not very common or really mainstream throughout the US. However, they are very well researched and pretty common here (Seattle). I have spoken to a number of nurses that I work with that have done Ketamine therapy. They all had very positive experiences. I think it's important to note that I am not talking about doing drugs and going to a dance party. In the past I have done solo psychedelic therapy at home alone. In hindsight, that was a mistake. I should have done it with a therapist/ guide. That would have given it more legitimacy to my wife. In my defense, I had her watch "How to Change Your Mind" on Netflix and linked her to the Sam Harris on Tim Ferriss podcast (Ep. 14 if interested). So, I really tried to involve her. If my wife and I divorce, I will definitely look for someone that shares my interest in these things.
As for my wife cheating, of course it's possible. However, she paid for the move by cashing in her 401k. So, she had around $10,000 of her own money. I know that because I got her statements in the mail. She also talked to my mom on Christmas day. My mom asked her directly about another person and she said something like no way, she wasn't ready for that. I believe her. Also, we did sessions with 2 separate LMFT therapists and the intake forms were long and detailed. We had to switch therapists due to my wife's schedule. After my wife decided to take a break from counseling, I asked the therapist if there was another romantic interest involved and without pause, she said that I had nothing to worry about. Ultimately, if she wants to hook up with someone it's her choice. I have to continue giving her the space she requested and respect her choices.
Most of the replies here say it's going to take a long time, etc. To me it's been a long time. I have been in individual therapy for 9 months. I have learned all about empathy, listening, my emotions, my needs, etc. I have been practicing all that I have learned with friends, family, and coworkers. I certainly am not a master of these techniques, but I have come a long way! I had no idea really what empathy was. It certainly wasn't part of my communication toolset. However, now I can recognize when I should be empathetic, and I have saved lists of empathetic statements that I look through to help me. It's really close to just happening naturally. That's borderline miraculous! I also have been consciously practicing active listening with my coworker friends. I am a better person for it. My therapist has told me multiple times that she was comfortable pausing therapy. She thinks I've made great progress. I said that I would like to continue because I still feel an underlying anxiety, and that's not a feeling that I am used to. I have prescriptions for anti anxiety meds, but they didn't really help. I know this feeling is based in my belief that she will return but hasn't. It's been so long that I'm doubting myself and how well I know her.
This is going to sound defensive, but throughout the past 8 months that she's been gone, I haven't been a complete desperate idiot. With the exception of the days following my best friend's suicide, I have been an amazing person. I have been kind, funny, helpful, thoughtful, and consistent - all the things that make me the wonderful person that I am. Though it wasn't silence, I would wait for her to initiate contact. I wouldn't respond immediately unless it was necessary. I didn't do any "love bombing" or attempt to "nice" her back to me. I was just honest. The older I get the more I value transparency. If I took a cute pic of the dogs, I would send it to her. If she needed help with her parents Visa paperwork, I helped her. If I wasn't sure how to respond, I would ask my therapist or my older female coworkers. The comment that I have continuously heard in real life from all the people involved in the situation is "You're way too nice" or "I can't believe you have waited this long! Other men would have replaced her long ago". I have genuinely tried to be respectful, kind, and understanding. She left saying she was confused and needed space, not that she wanted a divorce. My mom also her asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she didn't know. If I did say something about us, it would be like "I just want you to know that I love you and miss you. I'm always here for you if you need me. I know I have made plenty of mistakes. I'm working on them. I hope you can forgive me. I'm so sorry". At the worst I would send a pic of the dogs looking kinda sad and type "I think the dogs really miss you today." That's a far cry from the old me that would have done something horrible and manipulative. If there is any chance of her coming back, I know that I have to be consistent in my behavior to build/ rebuild trust. No consistency = no trust. No trust = not feeling safe. If she doesn't ever feel safe, I am doomed, and it's over.
It's now been 17 days since she texted me. It's been seven and a half months since she left. I have only seen via webcam 3 times since she left. Twice were with a marriage counselor, and once was via webcam at our house so she could see/ talk to the dogs. The last time was the middle of November. She refuses to videochat with me or even talk on the telephone. My therapist said that in 20 yrs of doing couples work, she hasn't seen someone so reluctant to communicate. My last text to her was "My therapist told me that I need to shut off your access to the cams. She told me that it's giving me a false sense of connection when you are choosing not to participate in our marriage. It's important to my health to have my privacy". She didn't reply. Not even an "Ok" or "FU". I have been doing fine. I made a new older, somewhat recently divorced friend that I text with daily and hangout with every other day or so. This all leads up to the question that I have no answer for. My therapist asks me this weekly - "How long are you going to wait?" I have no idea what the answer is. 8 months is a really long time for me. If I get divorce papers tomorrow, I will know that I really tried. Even though it was too late, I gave it my best shot. However, I've been told on here that 8 months is nothing. I miss intimacy and affection.
I am not the most patient person in the world. I don't have kids. I want to have kids. I'm not getting any younger. I know that if my wife comes back tomorrow, we still have a whole lot of work to do before having children is talked about. I think at least 6 months to a year of marriage counseling needs to happen to learn new communication skills, build new patterns, put them into practice, etc. And that is all assuming that she comes back. I'm not a betting man, but I am fairly certain that Vegas odd would have that outcome as slim or not likely. I wish I had the crystal ball. I just keep praying with the dogs both morning and night that she chooses to come home and work on our relationship. I just keep working on being the best version of me. What I would like to know is if there is a general timeline for silence? Should I throw in the towel if she doesn't contact me in a month? 2 months? When do you say enough is enough? Also, her birthday is Valentine's Day. Do I maintain silence on her birthday if it goes on that long? Thanks again for reading and reaching out. I appreciate it.
