How do I lead and show my kids this? This is very important. What do I say to them? I have been giving them space to have their own relationships with their mom. Yes we did Christmas morning together. Maybe that sent a message to my kids not respecting myself and what a marriage covenant is.
In my relationship with my kids, I have been putting the focus on them. Not having them as my therapists, not parentifying them.
I think I should bring up with my kids the conversation where she told me that since we are separated it’s ok if I have a girlfriend. And then I will tell my kids no it’s not ok to have another relationship when you are married.
Our whole family is invited to a wedding out of town next month.
I plan to invite our kids to travel with me if they like but to have the freedom to do as they choose. I will inform her I believe it’s best that you make your own arrangements.
How do I lead and show my kids this? This is very important. What do I say to them? I have been giving them space to have their own relationships with their mom. Yes we did Christmas morning together. Maybe that sent a message to my kids not respecting myself and what a marriage covenant is.
In my relationship with my kids, I have been putting the focus on them. Not having them as my therapists, not parentifying them.
A few suggestions:
Originally Posted by Rockon
I have been giving them space to have their own relationships with their mom.
Not space.
I’ve been supportive and encouraging them to have their own relationship with their mom.
Gentle steering requires giving some space as well as supportive direction and encouragement.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Even then I left it up to D if she wanted to have her mom there. I would have preferred it without W.
Did you talk with D20 about Mom’s attendance? About your preferences? About her preferences?
Daughter may have only included Mom because she through you wanted W there. Or who knows. And that’s the main point: Open honest communication. Foster that. Lead that. They will follow.
I’m sure that would be a difficult conversation to bring up and have. And that is when direct clear communication is most needed. As well as empathy, understanding, compassion, and a gentle hand.
Know thy self. Know Rock. It’s very difficult to lead when one is unsure of their convictions.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Yes we did Christmas morning together. Maybe that sent a message to my kids not respecting myself and what a marriage covenant is.
Maybe, or maybe not. From what you’ve shared, it looks more like the kids put up with Mom (well except for eldest son) and then kicked it into Christmas gear after she left. Like how it was the night before.
Whatever message was shown didn’t shine all that bright and was likely confusing, during those few hours. An understandable state. Don’t fret or beat yourself up either. It’s the message you send and live in all the small moments of life that is heard loudest.
Marriage covenant. That promise. That vow. To death do us part.
There is a path to uphold your word and not be a doormat. To lead and encourage your kids to aspire to responsibilities and convictions. To hold such a covenant dear and with sincerity.
I talked with my kids. Open the door to whatever conversations they would like to discuss. Drugs, sex, marriage, cheating, vows, etc.
Gentle steering. The gentle part is very important. Be open to new ideas as well. Listen to their view too. You might even alter or modify your own stance.
Anyhow, it’s not about you demonstrating or being ok or not ok with W having a BF. That’s what’s happening. And you cannot control that. You can and do control you.
Like I said, the few hours of Christmas morning is just that - a few hours measured against the entire year of your and the kids’ interactions.
Originally Posted by Rockon
In my relationship with my kids, I have been putting the focus on them.
Put your focus on them and you in the relationship. You are half of that relationship. You cannot ignore half of a relationship and expect it to thrive. Well, you can, it just won’t.
Adult kids. Different than children. Similar topics, just age appropriate needs to be consider.
One such topic is genetics. (A talk I’ve had with my kids.) Your kids are half of W. They know this. They will wonder if they have similarities like Mom. Will I cheat? Be unfaithful? And so on. That is a very big reason to never demonize your spouse by the way, as it unwittingly attacks your child(ren). There are other reason too, forgiveness, detachment, and such. This, is one of the main pitfalls in our relationships with our kids.
Speak with your kids. Mom is hurting. BF is a man of importance in her life. I don’t like it. However, it takes two to make a relationship work. BF is not squeaky clean in all this either. Still, W is your Mom. If/when you want to see her, I will support you. And if/when you don’t, I will support that as well. Just remember, she is your Mom. Your only one.
It’s perfectly ok to love your Mom, and not much like her. (That goes for you to Rock. It’s perfectly ok to love W, and not much like her.)
Mom is an adult. She has rights and privileges. She has the right to make decisions that I or you do not agree with. And she gets the benefit and consequences of her decisions. That’s life. We all have that right; and reap/suffer the benefit/consequences thereof. As you live and make choices, choose well. Choose wisely.
Rock, I’ve lived and walked that path. I am still walking and living that path. And I’ve had much success. Sure, it’s hard at times. Those are your kids, and there is not much better to invest such effort into.
For what’s it’s worth, and to give you some clearer hindsight advice. I’d have not changed Christmas to daughter’s place with such short notice. (I’m guessing there was something prompting that. Lack of tree, or decorations, or something else not discussed.) Given daughter’s plans or wishes to host, I would have gone like you did. Ensured I was there, and W was the one briefly visiting.
However, I’d suggest for next year, birthdays, and so on, separate visits. That, is a conversation to have with the kids (individually and together). For my family they all come to my house and stay here. They visited mom on Boxing Day for a while is all.
If you have anything specific, please feel free to ask. Vows, divorce, separation, heavy lifting, etc.
Well done, with speaking clearly in thought and heart. I’ve notice the lack of “but” ( ), and your adherence and efforts to that end. Keep it up! Clarity begets clarity. Answers do present themselves when one is calm and at peace.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Our whole family is invited to a wedding out of town next month.
I plan to invite our kids to travel with me if they like but to have the freedom to do as they choose. I will inform her I believe it’s best that you make your own arrangements.
STBXW: Rock are we going to travel together to the Wedding as a family? R: No STBXW: Why? R: You know why
Our whole family is invited to a wedding out of town next month.
I plan to invite our kids to travel with me. if they like but to have the freedom to do as they choose. I will inform her I believe it’s best that you make your own arrangements.
You want to lead and support? That’s how. Let them make up their minds. And be ok with it.
No need to preemptively inform W of travel arrangements. She somehow manages to travel to OM, I’m sure she can figure out how to get to the wedding. You look after you, and the kids that wish to come with.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Oh dear lord please do not be with her at this wedding. Please don’t try to reminisce about yours with her. Please don’t try to use this as an opportunity to “rekindle” everything.
Going with her or sitting with her is a recipe for a disaster
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
), and your adherence and efforts to that end. Keep it up! Clarity begets clarity. Answers do present themselves when one is calm and at peace.