This is when the screwing up began: I felt myself becoming emotional and said something to the effect of "You know, everything you're witnessing right now is a fantasy. You guys coming over here like old times, pretending nothing is wrong, when in fact this is all going to go away. Everyone in this room lied to me for years, and I don't want anything to do with it anymore."
I don’t believe you majorly screwed up here.
Emotions are perfectly normal. It’s fine, good even, to feel. You have to. We’re not robots.
Just because you felt emotional does not negate something. Look deeper.
Why did you start feeling yourself getting emotional? What was driving it? I think it is your values, your beliefs and convictions. A perfectly normal response reflecting your values.
People lying for years to you. Yeah, I’d not be around such folks. I choose my friends better than that. I’m worth better than that. To me, that’s the tenet you’re tapping into here. And that is not a screw up!
Responding emotionally is not the platform you’d like to speak from. Recognizing “why” and “where” your feelings came from will allow you to not reinforce them and let them extinguish; and then speak from your convictions and reason. Same message, different delivery.
Originally Posted by Maturin
Later in the evening I was pulled into a fight w the W. Everyone was gone and she was drunkenly asking how we can avoid D (that's right: sober January lasted 6 days). At first I was calm and told her "I won't repeat myself, you know what needs to happen for D to be avoided". She began to cry and said she would never tell me any details about the A because her IC of a few months back told her not to. I began to argue with her, and brought up all the wayward behaviors and sexlessness of the marriage. She became defensive, telling me sexlessness is completely normal. I told her I wouldn't have any of it: the lying, the betrayal, the dead bedroom. It was just a mess. Overall it didn't last long and we both went to bed, but it represents some real backsliding on my part.
Backsliding is an interesting thing. Sure, we’d like to go forward without error. That’s the usual ideal we behold. And it’s flawed.
Consider your life lessons over the years. Which one’s were really altering? Really stuck with you? The one’s where you failed, or were not successful, or got a negative outcome. Bah, forget the “correctness”, the times you failed. That’s when we really learn. When we face our failure, dust off, and learn and grow. When done right, we don’t repeat that particular failure again.
In that light, backsliding is a positive step. We often feel backsliding to be negative. Yet, logically we know that the learning potential from such is greater. Often our greatest lessons come from our greatest failures.
Keep moving forward is just that. Move forward. Do not fear making an error or misstep. Learn from them, learn from others where and when you can as well, dust off, and keep moving forward.
Backslides when treated correctly are misnamed, for they are the harbingers of forward positive progress.
To that end. Did the exchange with W bring you closer to resolving those things you brought up? Well, not directly for you do not control W. And whatever influence you may have imparted is unknown and will take time to percolate in W’s mind and heart. So, another similar exchange is likely not in your best interests.
Listen to W. These folks drop clues all the time. Stay emotionally stable (indifferent) and let her lead the conversation.
I get the impression you’ve built a wall around your heart and mind regarding W and her behaviour. It’s a common response. Do the uncommon and counterintuitive thing, keep your heart soft and squishy. Do not let your heart calcify and harden; for it does not serve you.
Boundaries are for disrespectful behaviour. They are rational well thought out responses/actions enacted by you when some predetermined action/behaviour takes places. They are not a platform for launching a fight or trying to modify the other party’s behaviour.
Some suggestions/feedback:
“I was pulled into a fight w the W” as apposed to “I was pulled into a fight with W”. Not sure if this is a typo. “with the W” depersonalize her. That thinking and writing makes her more a thing than a person. It allows you to push her away, and to consider her, her feelings, and her view as more abstract. It is a common effect with detachment and indifference.
She’s a hurt person. And hurt people, hurt people.
It does not serve you to see her in that non-personal light, or to demonize her. In forgiveness you’ll look and see through a different lens. (Just some encouragement to that lofty and noble goal.)
It’s not about pushing her away, it’s simple letting go.
W: (drunkenly) How we can avoid D?
(that's right: sober January lasted 6 days). (I understand. And it’s factual. And it adds a brick to your wall.)
M: I won't repeat myself, you know what needs to happen for D to be avoided.
She began to cry and said she would never tell me any details about the A because her IC of a few months back told her not to. I began to argue with her…
What if you had responded like:
M: Hmmm. Interesting. How do you see us avoiding D? I am open to listening to whatever ideas you have.
Let her lead.
W dropped a big clue to her mental and emotional whereabouts. She is not ready to discuss or share details of the A. Not yet.
Let go vs push.
You are pushing for answers. Reasons. Let it go.
In time, those answers will not be as pressing. That’s not to say they’re not validate or some such, just your need for knowing will (can) diminish.
Most situations that reconcile, those answers do eventually come. And by that time, one has let go the need of the question. Currently, such demands are extreme pressure to XW.
“She became defensive, telling me sexlessness is completely normal.” Validate her feelings. Don’t fight. Does not mean you agree or condone. It’s just, this is presently her view and belief and response (along with significant drinking), for whatever reasons and hurts she has bottled up. You cannot change her mind through a frontal assault. To her the sky is red, and no amount of fighting will force her to see it as blue. Time and space. Let her come to it.
Some gentle prompting questions and statements may have W open up more about what’s going on inside her. To me, she appears to want to say more, yet feels unsure and/or unsafe. Be a safe place for her to land, if/when she tires of flying about.
Keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
