Hey M. Hopefully getting some time out of town and away from ground zero will be helpful for some more introspection and recovery. I'm glad you received varying feedback from me and R2C. It illustrates how there isn't a single right answer, reflects the nature of the site (sharing solutions), and leaves it up to each of us to decide what best applies to our situation.
I've seen the book No More Mr. Nice Guy recommended here at various points. There is a section where the author talks about the idea of "victim puking" I believe. When I first started DBing, I 1) did the same thing you did here and 2) read this book. It felt like I was victim-puking and the concept helped me refine how I approached enforcing my boundaries vs. victim-puking.
The former takes more work, and thoughtfulness, and is less something done on the spot. But, it gets at what I understand R2C is pointing out: you don't have to sacrifice holding people accountable as part of the DB process or in general.
Also, I began asking myself what my goal or intent was in holding someone accountable. To get them to change? No. I can only control myself. The satisfaction of blasting people individually or as a group when I thought I had the moral high ground? That is short-lived catharsis and not the overall person I'm striving to be.
To provide them with feedback that 1) I have a boundary 2) they crossed it and 3) depending on the severity, if it happened again, then I would be stepping back or out of the relationship. Yes. A big part of this process is reclaiming ourselves, taking care of our needs, and continuously improving. I'm not sure if this is a good solution for your sitch. Like R2C, I feel strongly about standing up for oneself when you're pulling facts into the light. And, to me, understandably, we lose our (insert expletive) once in a while within reason to demonstrate the severity of the boundary(ies) violated.
