Logging in here quickly to hold myself accountable, because I messed up a bit y'day. I went golfing with some friends (for the record I don't really like golf, but since my priority is to GAL I jump at whatever is there) and came home to find my W, her two brothers, and a friend at the house. It was a typical scene from our pre-BD days: kids running around, family watching football, enjoying a few drinks, etc. Only now I feel completely different about things, of course. Both of her brothers and this friend knew about the PA for years and never told me.
I came in positive and cheerful, everyone greeted me warmly. Soon one of my BIL came up to privately ask me how things were going and suggested some creative planning around keeping the house after divorce. This is when the screwing up began: I felt myself becoming emotional and said something to the effect of "You know, everything you're witnessing right now is a fantasy. You guys coming over here like old times, pretending nothing is wrong, when in fact this is all going to go away. Everyone in this room lied to me for years, and I don't want anything to do with it anymore."
To his credit he hung with me, told me how sorry he was and that he loved me.
Later in the evening I was pulled into a fight w the W. Everyone was gone and she was drunkenly asking how we can avoid D (that's right: sober January lasted 6 days). At first I was calm and told her "I won't repeat myself, you know what needs to happen for D to be avoided". She began to cry and said she would never tell me any details about the A because her IC of a few months back told her not to. I began to argue with her, and brought up all the wayward behaviors and sexlessness of the marriage. She became defensive, telling me sexlessness is completely normal. I told her I wouldn't have any of it: the lying, the betrayal, the dead bedroom. It was just a mess. Overall it didn't last long and we both went to bed, but it represents some real backsliding on my part.
So today is a new day, and I am reverting to my old DB self. But the doubts linger: how much longer am I going to endure this misery?
