Hi all. Hope everyone is doing as well as possible.
As a quick recap, the D paperwork W had prepped was set to expire next week if I wasn't served. I knew that could lead to 1) being served 2) not being served and 3) not being served with the potential to be served further down the road. W asked to talk and let tearfully let me know that she chose to move forward with the D. I said I understood and repeated something one of the DB counselors taught me ~5 years ago "To me, divorce isn't the solution to our problems. However, I love and respect you enough to let go".
Overall, I feel relief. I'm still at peace with either path (D or not D with my boundaries and requirements being actively addressed. I've done too much work to settle for less).
I know that being served isn't the end and there is a lot of time before a judge bangs a gavel down and declares the marriage officially done. I've got plans tomorrow with friends from high school. I'm watching the NCAA football championship with other friends.
Most of my property is pre-marital so, thanks to my L, I have a good sense of how those chips will fall if the D becomes final. In some ways, being better prepared for a D makes the other half of DBing easier for me. I continue to focus on me and D13, remain aloof and positive when around W, and am glad for the support of this community. I can see W is struggling and sad. While I wish I could say and do more, I'm even more fired now than I was a day ago. I can offer the support I'd offer a friend if they ask. Otherwise, W is getting lots more time and space.
As always, thanks, each of you, for being along (virtually) for the ride. It helps!
My guess is every single person gets to that point eventually. The ironic part is that showing strength gives you the best chance to reconcile. Also, if you truly love someone you will give them what makes them happy. You have hit the nail on the head that this is all about fear it really has nothing to do with your wife and who she is as a person. With time and distance you will see it. The problem is that your brain is trying everything in its power to get you to stay in this “safe place” and wait for the storm to blow over. It’s up to you to decide if you should ride the storm out and see if your current place is salvageable or you evacuate and go build a potentially amazing place somewhere else.
As far as your responsibility in the breakdown of your marriage. It’s great that you acknowledge it, some don’t, but remember that you did the best that you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
