Hi Jalan - I'm glad you found this community. Sorry to pile on but want to say that I agree with Kind, Steve, and Boat: the divorce-busting process is not a quick fix. It takes a great deal of patience, willingness to take a very hard look at oneself, a commitment to not be a pursuer (that will further turn off your partner - read up on the web about the pursuer-distancer dynamic), and a true commitment to making deep, personal changes.
As Kind suggested, when she told you that she didn't feel safe, she likely meant beyond the physical safety you provide as a vet and gun owner. In some ways, she may find that intimidating when combined with the other substance use and ADHD issues you mention. As a non-US native, it may have left her feeling trapped and isolated. I don't know the answer; only she can describe what she meant. As others suggest (especially Ready to Change), our job is to STFU, actively listen, and work to understand why, from her perspective, she felt unsafe. Her perspective is her reality, even if you disagree with it. Trying to tell her, even in a nice way, that you think she's wrong is going to drive her away from you, rather than attract her back to you.
Put another way, do you think she's like to feel better (and want to be around you) when:
A. You invalidate feelings she expresses to you or want to debate them with her OR B. Validate her by, for example, telling her you can understand why she may feel the way she does
Lastly, I want to reinforce the need to continue the work you've indicated you're doing on yourself. She needs time to process what she is experiencing. When she interacts with you, she needs to have positive interactions that rebuild a sense of safety and security with you. I hope Boat is right that she still loves you because that means the door may be open enough to achieve a positive outcome over time. We all will try to help and support you how we can.
