Lying in bed last night I had my usual pre-sleep clarity, which normally goes something like this: MR was struggling for a couple years, I was unaware of how bad it was and what I had done to contribute. W strayed, lied, and partied for years, creating more distance. I slowly woke up to my own part in the troubles and began turning my life around. My confidence has grown from "this is going to suck but I know I will be okay if our MR ends" and is now approaching "I won't tolerate another day of this". I say "approaching" because it isn't there yet so I'm being patient. I believe I've said this before on the boards, but the pre-sleep clarity always includes a moment when I think to myself "Why didn't I just kick her out the day she admitted the A?" The answer is fear. Fear of being alone, or getting the shorter half of the stick when it comes to friends, kids, sex, and life in general. So much of this process has been overcoming the fear and I make it my daily task. A line from a song I like says "Change will come to those who have no fear", which I have modified only slightly to "Change will come to those who face their fears". It is now a mantra of mine.
Anyhow, today feels like a new day. I am jam-packing my weekend with GAL activities, about half of which involve the kids and the other half are just for me.
