How do I reply as you have? I see that the quote button gets me the entire conversation. I have also clicked on the full editor button. Would I quote the entire post and then delete what I have posted to only show your portion of the post that I am responding to? I would like to reference what I am replying to for clarity, as you have done. Thanks in advance!
Men think logically. I have identified all the issues and begun fixing them so logically she sees it and understands it. Women think emotionally. I don't FEEL like I can ever be happy with him again.
It's simple when you really understand it but hard to grasp when you first get here.
She has to FEEL differently about you and that is going to take a really long time.
Thank you for the reply.
Why would you say that it is going to take a really long time?
Wow, what a read. I commend you for opening up and the work you’re trying to do to fix your marriage.
Having said that, I have to be honest. Please don’t take it the wrong way, I just call things how I see them and it comes from a place of kindness.
In my opinion, I agree with SteveLW.
Your addiction issues are the main reason for your failed marriage.
You tend to give the impression those issues are behind you simply because you’ve identified them, but from the cheap seats, I think your addiction issues have never been properly identified and fixed. Like Steve, I wonder if you’re discussion around ADHD and “I haven’t tried that yet” and labelling illegal drugs as “recreational” drugs indicates you still don’t get the seriousness of your addiction problem.
She has made her choices, packed up and moved, and despite missing your dogs etc. is choosing not to come back right now. That’s because the risk of coming back (for her) outweighs the problems of starting her life again in a new place.
I’m quite confident she loves you. And I nearly always caution people that there’s an affair involved, but in her case, I just think she got genuinely beaten down with smoking, drinking, drugs, and the emotional roller coaster of ADHD.
In some ways, it’s actually a good thing she has moved away. It gives you a chance to finally commit 100% of your brain space and time to slay your addiction issues.
As others have indicated, you need to drop the rope and leave her alone for now. I think moreso than most newbies who arrive here, you still have a chance at saving this marriage. But it’s going to be a long, slow grind and it will have nothing to do with how you talk to and behave around her - and everything to do with how much you want to slay your own demons and focus 100% on yourself.
She’s hurting and broken. She gave you so much of herself, but she’s scared and in her mind, being away from you right now is safer than being near you. The solution to that is not to convince her to come back, but to fix you so she feels safe to come back.
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When she told me that she didn't feel safe, it was very confusing to me. I was her protector. I had been a soldier and own a couple of guns.
Read what she said a thousand times. She is scared and she even told you so. She’s not making it up for sh*ts and giggles. You completely invalidate her feelings because they have YOU confused.
The correct response when someone says they are scared is to put yourself in their shoes, acknowledge how they must feel and empathise.
What you did, is take her problem and immediately look at it through YOUR shoes and lens.
Most men need to do a lot of work with empathy and validation, but you’ll need to start from scratch. Read the numerous threads and links about validation. Start practicing with family, friends and work colleagues.
Never respond to a woman who opens up about her feelings by telling her you are confused or it makes you feel blah blah blah. Don’t turn it into your feelings, listen to hers.
How do I reply as you have? I see that the quote button gets me the entire conversation. I have also clicked on the full editor button. Would I quote the entire post and then delete what I have posted to only show your portion of the post that I am responding to? I would like to reference what I am replying to for clarity, as you have done. Thanks in advance!
To reply like I did your have to use brackets and the tags Quote=Jalan1 and then /quote. (Those inside square brackets.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Why would you say that it is going to take a really long time?
As stated by Kind & Steve you have very serious issues that you need to deal with right now. Even if you are able to make them it will take her along time to trust that they are real and permanent. The most important thing you can do right now is take all the focus off her and put in on you.
Hi Jalan - I'm glad you found this community. Sorry to pile on but want to say that I agree with Kind, Steve, and Boat: the divorce-busting process is not a quick fix. It takes a great deal of patience, willingness to take a very hard look at oneself, a commitment to not be a pursuer (that will further turn off your partner - read up on the web about the pursuer-distancer dynamic), and a true commitment to making deep, personal changes.
As Kind suggested, when she told you that she didn't feel safe, she likely meant beyond the physical safety you provide as a vet and gun owner. In some ways, she may find that intimidating when combined with the other substance use and ADHD issues you mention. As a non-US native, it may have left her feeling trapped and isolated. I don't know the answer; only she can describe what she meant. As others suggest (especially Ready to Change), our job is to STFU, actively listen, and work to understand why, from her perspective, she felt unsafe. Her perspective is her reality, even if you disagree with it. Trying to tell her, even in a nice way, that you think she's wrong is going to drive her away from you, rather than attract her back to you.
Put another way, do you think she's like to feel better (and want to be around you) when:
A. You invalidate feelings she expresses to you or want to debate them with her OR B. Validate her by, for example, telling her you can understand why she may feel the way she does
Lastly, I want to reinforce the need to continue the work you've indicated you're doing on yourself. She needs time to process what she is experiencing. When she interacts with you, she needs to have positive interactions that rebuild a sense of safety and security with you. I hope Boat is right that she still loves you because that means the door may be open enough to achieve a positive outcome over time. We all will try to help and support you how we can.
How do I reply as you have? I see that the quote button gets me the entire conversation. I have also clicked on the full editor button. Would I quote the entire post and then delete what I have posted to only show your portion of the post that I am responding to? I would like to reference what I am replying to for clarity, as you have done. Thanks in advance!
To reply like I did your have to use brackets and the tags Quote=Jalan1 and then /quote. (Those inside square brackets.
