Wow, what a read. I commend you for opening up and the work you’re trying to do to fix your marriage.
Having said that, I have to be honest. Please don’t take it the wrong way, I just call things how I see them and it comes from a place of kindness.
In my opinion, I agree with SteveLW.
Your addiction issues are the main reason for your failed marriage.
You tend to give the impression those issues are behind you simply because you’ve identified them, but from the cheap seats, I think your addiction issues have never been properly identified and fixed. Like Steve, I wonder if you’re discussion around ADHD and “I haven’t tried that yet” and labelling illegal drugs as “recreational” drugs indicates you still don’t get the seriousness of your addiction problem.
She has made her choices, packed up and moved, and despite missing your dogs etc. is choosing not to come back right now. That’s because the risk of coming back (for her) outweighs the problems of starting her life again in a new place.
I’m quite confident she loves you. And I nearly always caution people that there’s an affair involved, but in her case, I just think she got genuinely beaten down with smoking, drinking, drugs, and the emotional roller coaster of ADHD.
In some ways, it’s actually a good thing she has moved away. It gives you a chance to finally commit 100% of your brain space and time to slay your addiction issues.
As others have indicated, you need to drop the rope and leave her alone for now. I think moreso than most newbies who arrive here, you still have a chance at saving this marriage. But it’s going to be a long, slow grind and it will have nothing to do with how you talk to and behave around her - and everything to do with how much you want to slay your own demons and focus 100% on yourself.
She’s hurting and broken. She gave you so much of herself, but she’s scared and in her mind, being away from you right now is safer than being near you. The solution to that is not to convince her to come back, but to fix you so she feels safe to come back.
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When she told me that she didn't feel safe, it was very confusing to me. I was her protector. I had been a soldier and own a couple of guns.
Read what she said a thousand times. She is scared and she even told you so. She’s not making it up for sh*ts and giggles. You completely invalidate her feelings because they have YOU confused.
The correct response when someone says they are scared is to put yourself in their shoes, acknowledge how they must feel and empathise.
What you did, is take her problem and immediately look at it through YOUR shoes and lens.
Most men need to do a lot of work with empathy and validation, but you’ll need to start from scratch. Read the numerous threads and links about validation. Start practicing with family, friends and work colleagues.
Never respond to a woman who opens up about her feelings by telling her you are confused or it makes you feel blah blah blah. Don’t turn it into your feelings, listen to hers.
