Runaway remorse

[SteveLW]

Hi SteveLW! Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. Evaluating your analysis of me has been interesting and really thought provoking! Thank you for your outside perspective. After reading your post, it appears that I have left out a number of important details.

Jalen you bring up an important point here. We can only react to what you tell us. Understand, the advice and feedback come from seeing dozens of situations. As you will see in this response, that means that even without details we can pick up on subtle things that you may not see, or may not quite grasp fully. It is hard to see the forest for the trees in the thick of your own situation. Part of the value of this forum is the collective wisdom and understanding that those of us that post here have accumulated. But it is true we can't know what you haven't told us, which is why I ended my original response by urging you to keep posting.

I think the problem that I have with all of it is that I can't put the pieces together in my brain. I wish she cheated. I wish she would just tell me that she wants a divorce. I wish she would take ownership of something. I am just as confused today as I was after she had been gone for 3 weeks. I genuinely thought she would go back to the Philippines for a couple of weeks, maybe a month or two. I was completely shocked to learn that she moved to Ohio. What the heck? The uncertainty creates an emptiness that fills with anxiety every now and again. I don't like feeling anxious. It's out of my control, but I am still affected by it.

This is a lot of focus on her. One thing that you have to understand is that you may never understand any of this. We fellas are interesting. We want to understand how things work. We want to understand why something is broken. It comes from an underlying belief that by knowing those two things we can fix anything. However, the simple truth in these kinds of things is that we may never know how it works, we may never understand why it is broken, and we certainly cannot fix it! That is a hard truth for a lot of LBSs to get and understand. But especially most LBHs.

I despise deception and dishonesty. She left because of a lie. If she didn't lie to her mother, she never would have left. She knows she lied. This is all based on a lie. My wife always does the right thing. She always chooses kindness. To me, and my knowledge of her values and beliefs, this is neither right or kind. I feel guilty, and it's a burden. Yet, I don't want to give up. The accusatory email she sent to me was obviously written by one of the female "friends" she left with. Again with the honesty, why make a bunch of bizarre false accusations? What is the intent? My brain has a hard time letting go of this puzzle that I can't solve. It makes no sense to me. I am okay with it being over, but I would like it to make sense and be truthful. It's especially hurtful to me because I have admitted my mistakes, been open and willing to change, made many changes, and I am willing to try anything. I was really excited to start therapy. However, I know I can't make her do anything. She put in zero effort. That surprised and saddened me.

More focus on her and her stuff. When LBSs struggle with things like this what I like to tell them is that you need to focus on what you know to be true. All of this other stuff, trying to get in her head, mind read, figure out why she is doing what she is doing it a cheese-less tunnel. The more time you spend in cheese-less tunnels the more time you are wasting not working on yourself! The simple truth is that WASs do things that do not make sense, that are counter to who they are, and that the LBS may never understand. You are right you cannot make her do anything. You cannot expect to understand everything. But you know what is in your control? Being okay with that! Focus on that.

Other than that, I'm great. The long post was written on a lonely Christmas day a couple weeks after my best friend killed himself. It was more intense and emotional than I am now. I am super happy with the progress I've made in my life. I learned that I have emotions. Lots of them. I can now readily identify them and share them with the world or just say them out loud to my dogs. That alone has been transformational! I've learned all about NVC and a word called empathy! That book and that word have forever altered how I communicate with the world.

Yes the rollercoaster in these things is real. You do and will have emotions. Lots of them. No doubt. Do not run from them! (You've probably already learned this in therapy.) Feel them. Embrace them. Allow them to come and go. There will be trigger points. There will be moments of extreme anguish when something unrelated happens but triggers those emotions. That is all okay.

What I would try to get you to do is not use those emotions to refocus on what is out of your control. Your job through all of the emotions is to focus on you. Not her. Focus on GAL like a madman. Focus on continuing your self-discovery and journey to a better Jalen. Focus on learning how to be happy by yourself. I have a theory that the only way one can be a healthy half of a relationship is to be a fully formed, happy individual! Our society gets this wrong and that is why the divorce rate is through the roof. Any baggage a person brings into a relationship will be exponentially worse as time goes by in that relationship. Once the limerence phase of a relationship is over, the baggage brought to that relationship will become an elephant in the room. Your goal should be simple: become as healthy and happy as you possibly can so that your next relationship can stand the test of time. Whether that is with your WAW, or someone new. Your current marriage is dead. The next marriage you have (whether with her or someone else) will be a completely new thing. Be ready to become a man only a fool would leave!

I also did a 22 day water fast before, during, and after my wife left and lost 38lbs. I wasn't that overweight to begin with. Then I adopted a whole food/ plant based diet that I've stuck with for 7 months now. I'm healthier than I have ever been. I had a physical, ran a bunch of labs, and the results were all better than they have ever been.

Great! Focusing on health through all of this is very important. I am glad to hear this, well done.

I have tried a variety of prescription ADHD meds. Unfortunately, the side effects were not good. I am still working on finding a combination that works for me. As for the drug stuff, I was told that I am "relentlessly curious". I think that applies here. I listened to Sam Harris on the Tim Ferriss podcast. I was sold on the possibility of a transcendent spiritual experience. I like to experiment. From my perspective it's self exploration and not the self destruction of my youth. I don't do any recreational drugs currently. I am also not taking any prescription drugs. I just take a few supplements.

I have to be honest with you Jalen, this sounds like excuses. In short you are saying, "That's the way I am". I grew up with a child of an alcoholic parent as a parent. (Wow, that is confusing. My dad's dad was an abusive alcoholic.) The behavior I saw from him was that nothing was his fault. He had reasons, excuses, and the last one was always "I can't help it, that is how I am."

I fell into the trap, used alcohol as an escape. Was a full blown alcoholic in my late teens and early 20s. (I will be 30 years sober in February.) What I learned is we get to choose how we are. It isn't predefined, immutable, and set in stone. Here is the interesting thing about your last paragraph, after making excuses (I am experimental, I am relentlessly curious) you prove my point! "I don't do any recreational drugs currently. I am also not taking any prescription drugs." Awesome! 30 years of sobriety have taught me two things: Life is better clean and sober. And that problems are only worsened by substances!

So keep up the good work here, but OWN your addiction issues from the past. Yes I know you were not addicted to the drugs and psychedelics, but you admitted that you were to alcohol at one point. Using mind-altering substances are all tied together. An addict doesn't get to be curious and experiment. An addict has to focus on 100% sobriety every single day. Think about how knowing that and living by it before all of this could have changed your life.

I have a lot of time to myself alone. That's new. I have been doing mindfulness meditations, gratitude journaling, and finishing the projects that I started when my wife was still here. I am always listening to or reading adhd, self-help or relationship books. I know that even if my wife were to consider reconciliation that we have months to years of couples therapy. I wish there was a quick fix. However, I know that isn't realistic. I know the odds are against us. She's been gone a long time. Her actions speak volumes.

I like this paragraph. You are thinking clearly in this paragraph. You are mostly focused on yourself. Now one adjustment: don't be alone so much. Get out there and meet new people. Make new friends. You tell me "God bless" at the end of this. Find a church and start attending! The LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that do GAL the worst. Don't be that LBS! Get out there and interact with others in positive, healthy ways.

I don't do any recreational drugs currently. I am also not taking any prescription drugs.
As for my family.... I'll just say that I was treated so poorly as a teenager that the court took custody of me, and I became a ward of the state. I lived in a children's home when I was 17-18. My family was/ is pretty toxic. I only tried to reconcile with them because family is so important in my wife's culture. However, my mom and I are working it out. With any luck, she'll be out here in a couple weeks.

Okay, I have to admit the wording here bothers me. "I don't do any recreational drugs currently." Hmm. That sounds like you are open to it in the future. Remember what I said about us former addicts. Your mindset should be one day at a time with the goal of never being drunk or high ever again. Drop the currently.

As I said, your family may be too toxic to reconcile with. But after claiming that you admit that you are working on it with your mom. Great! Explore that. If it becomes toxic pull the rip cord and parachute out of it. But you really have nothing to lose.

As for the DBing, radio silence it is. It's been almost 9 days now. I'm feeling good. I worry about her. I know she's really sad not seeing the dogs. My mother said she was really sick and sounded terrible. This is the longest she has gone without seeing the dogs.

Small 2x4 here Jalan: 9 days is nothing. It is a drop of water in the ocean. She isn't going to trust things after 9 days. 9 days is not going to make her start questioning her choices. and then you get back into focus on her with how long its been since she's seen the dogs. Be honest here: have you been using the dogs as a way to stay in contact with her? You don't have to answer me, answer that for yourself. DBing is not about undermining the process. You don't remove all pressure and pursuit, all focus from her and focus on yourself. And then secretly get to scratch your contact itch through the dogs.

Even your therapist sees it: "My therapist tells me that I should turn off the security cameras because it's giving me a false sense of connection. I can't do it. I know that it will hurt her, and I already feel responsible for hurting her. She loves our dogs as much as I do. I'm trying to just be completely honest, and always choose kindness."

To me this sounds like a bridge too far for Jalen, so he falls back into the excuses, "I am too kind". Or is Jalen doing this for Jalen? Even if it is kindness, one of the hardest truths I had to learn in my own situation was: "You cannot nice her back." You do things because they are the right thing to do for you. This false sense of connection may be what's holding you back from really being able to move forward. She fired you as her husband, abandoned the house and dogs. You owe her NOTHING!

And that brings me to this: "So, she asked me to help. I love her parents and of course I helped. For example, over a week ago she asked me to help her re-scan her birth certificate, merge the 2 pages, and then convert it to a pdf under 4mb. I did it in a couple of minutes and she said thank you. I also agreed to sponsor them because my wife didn't work for a year and doesn't meet the financial requirements to sponsor them on her own."

This all sounds like something a husband would do for his wife. It sounds like a nice thing to do. Now ask yourself, is that in keeping with DB? Is that really what moves your situation forward? Or is that more Jalen's excuses of kindness trying to nice her back.

Next time she reaches out for something like this try: "I am really busy and don't think I can get to this." You need her to start missing you a little bit. And Jalen, 9 days ain't gonna do it!

One last question to ponder. She left without a car, without money or credit cards. Didn't work for a year. Moved to Ohio. An expensive move. And as you are well aware, living on your own in these United States is not cheap. How? I do not bring this up for you to focus on her. But to say you need to brace yourself for the other shoe to drop. Another saying we have around here is "a monkey doesn't jump from the branch it is on until it has identified another branch that can support it." You say you wish she had cheated. Maybe she has.......

How does that change things?

I should wrap this up. I wanted to let you know that I'm doing pretty good and hopefully on the right track without being too defensive. And that I really appreciate your insight and encouragement. It's time to practice patience. Again, thank you for your time, effort, and energy. If you have been on here since 2018, I am sure you have seen a thing or two and know a little bit about what works and doesn't. It's all in God's hands. Only he knows how this plays out. Thank you for reading this. God bless.

You weren't too defensive. Maybe a tad, but that is to be expected. Hard truths are hard. And yes you do need patience. But not patience for her or the marriage, patience for yourself. Jalen, please understand that you need to do everything, GAL, self-improvements, emotional detachment, patience, staying clean and sober, etc FOR YOU and ONLY YOU. Not to get her back. Not to save the marriage. Sometimes that comes along for the ride, but the goal here is for a better, happier and healthier Jalen moving forward. No matter what becomes of the things out of his control.

One last thing. The email. You seem fixated on that. At the end of the day who wrote it is immaterial. It got sent because she endorsed it. She signed off on it. That is a truth you need to wake up to and embrace. Hyper-focusing on who wrote it, why it accused you falsely, etc is another cheese-less tunnel. Let it go. There is nothing to be gained by fighting that email. And it changes nothing that you should be doing.

One final thought too, because I see you struggle with confusion on her behavior. You expected her to go back to the Philippines. You think she is confused and that confuses you. Another saying of truth we have around here: "When they want to come back you will know. When they don't you will be confused." It doesn't matter IF she hasn't cheated. It doesn't matter whether or not she wants a divorce. What matters is that you are confused....and therefore you need to assume that she doesn't want to come back. The reasons are unimportant, but knowing that truth means you get to focus on you!

God bless you too, Jalen. You are doing pretty well, but there are a lot of things for you to work on as well! So focus on what you can control, let go of what you can't.