Hi SteveLW! Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. Evaluating your analysis of me has been interesting and really thought provoking! Thank you for your outside perspective. After reading your post, it appears that I have left out a number of important details.
I think the problem that I have with all of it is that I can't put the pieces together in my brain. I wish she cheated. I wish she would just tell me that she wants a divorce. I wish she would take ownership of something. I am just as confused today as I was after she had been gone for 3 weeks. I genuinely thought she would go back to the Philippines for a couple of weeks, maybe a month or two. I was completely shocked to learn that she moved to Ohio. What the heck? The uncertainty creates an emptiness that fills with anxiety every now and again. I don't like feeling anxious. It's out of my control, but I am still affected by it.
I despise deception and dishonesty. She left because of a lie. If she didn't lie to her mother, she never would have left. She knows she lied. This is all based on a lie. My wife always does the right thing. She always chooses kindness. To me, and my knowledge of her values and beliefs, this is neither right or kind. I feel guilty, and it's a burden. Yet, I don't want to give up. The accusatory email she sent to me was obviously written by one of the female "friends" she left with. Again with the honesty, why make a bunch of bizarre false accusations? What is the intent? My brain has a hard time letting go of this puzzle that I can't solve. It makes no sense to me. I am okay with it being over, but I would like it to make sense and be truthful. It's especially hurtful to me because I have admitted my mistakes, been open and willing to change, made many changes, and I am willing to try anything. I was really excited to start therapy. However, I know I can't make her do anything. She put in zero effort. That surprised and saddened me.
Other than that, I'm great. The long post was written on a lonely Christmas day a couple weeks after my best friend killed himself. It was more intense and emotional than I am now. I am super happy with the progress I've made in my life. I learned that I have emotions. Lots of them. I can now readily identify them and share them with the world or just say them out loud to my dogs. That alone has been transformational! I've learned all about NVC and a word called empathy! That book and that word have forever altered how I communicate with the world.
I also did a 22 day water fast before, during, and after my wife left and lost 38lbs. I wasn't that overweight to begin with. Then I adopted a whole food/ plant based diet that I've stuck with for 7 months now. I'm healthier than I have ever been. I had a physical, ran a bunch of labs, and the results were all better than they have ever been.
I have tried a variety of prescription ADHD meds. Unfortunately, the side effects were not good. I am still working on finding a combination that works for me. As for the drug stuff, I was told that I am "relentlessly curious". I think that applies here. I listened to Sam Harris on the Tim Ferriss podcast. I was sold on the possibility of a transcendent spiritual experience. I like to experiment. From my perspective it's self exploration and not the self destruction of my youth. I don't do any recreational drugs currently. I am also not taking any prescription drugs. I just take a few supplements.
I have a lot of time to myself alone. That's new. I have been doing mindfulness meditations, gratitude journaling, and finishing the projects that I started when my wife was still here. I am always listening to or reading adhd, self-help or relationship books. I know that even if my wife were to consider reconciliation that we have months to years of couples therapy. I wish there was a quick fix. However, I know that isn't realistic. I know the odds are against us. She's been gone a long time. Her actions speak volumes.
As for my family.... I'll just say that I was treated so poorly as a teenager that the court took custody of me, and I became a ward of the state. I lived in a children's home when I was 17-18. My family was/ is pretty toxic. I only tried to reconcile with them because family is so important in my wife's culture. However, my mom and I are working it out. With any luck, she'll be out here in a couple weeks.
As for the DBing, radio silence it is. It's been almost 9 days now. I'm feeling good. I worry about her. I know she's really sad not seeing the dogs. My mother said she was really sick and sounded terrible. This is the longest she has gone without seeing the dogs.
I should wrap this up. I wanted to let you know that I'm doing pretty good and hopefully on the right track without being too defensive. And that I really appreciate your insight and encouragement. It's time to practice patience. Again, thank you for your time, effort, and energy. If you have been on here since 2018, I am sure you have seen a thing or two and know a little bit about what works and doesn't. It's all in God's hands. Only he knows how this plays out. Thank you for reading this. God bless.
