Runaway remorse

[SteveLW]

Jalen, wow. Quite a read. I'm still digesting a lot of it. But my first reaction is to caution you: DB is not a quick fix or a magic pill that will fix everything. I get the sense that when you have a problem you look for a magic fix. Alcohol. Drugs. Psychedelics. Prescriptions. You seem to be consuming information and books, but not necessarily to improve yourself but to find that magic fix.

Sadly, there is no magic fix. No Jedi mind trick. No "say this and do this" that will fix your marriage.

The odds are stacked against you, I'm not going to lie. You have lots of issues and dynamics involved here, and it's tricky and dicey.

This is what I do believe: if you throw yourself into DBing to work on you, and only to work on you, then you will move your life forward healthy and happy no matter what she decides.

One thing I like to do is remind people that we live in an imperfect world. If people don't leave us of their own volition, disease and accident and disaster and crime could take them out of our lives. Being so attached to someone that we can't move our lives forward is a big problem in an imperfect world. Rather than focusing on her or the marriage, you should be focusing on overcoming your anxious attachment. Focusing on becoming a healthy, happy individual. Focus on becoming the best, substance free, fully formed person you can possibly be.

No more discussing her in therapy. Discuss yourself. No more sending her books, videos and podcasts to read, watch and listen to, but just keep on reading, watching and listening yourself. No more trying to be the hero by sending her family money. No more thinking about contacting her parents. No more burying yourself in work to run away from your own issues.

In fact, you've told us your own family relationships are a mess. There is another area you can focus on. I'm not sure you can ever be a productive part of someone else's family if you can't even be part of your own. In rare occasions people's families are so toxic that they can't be part of it. However, are you the only one that has that big of a problem with your family? Is it just you? I've learned a lesson in my own life: when I step back and look at issues, if everyone else is the problem, more than likely I'm the problem.

If you leave her alone, follow the rules of engagement (don't call her, don't answer if she calls. If she emails or texts do not respond right away. If it's informational then there is no need to respond. If she asks a question, answer it but in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers), then maybe one day she'll reach out and truly want to explore reconciliation. She may never do that and you may one day get served divorce papers. No one knows. But if you remove all focus from her, and focus on yourself and moving your own life forward, you will be okay no matter what she decides.

Finally, you seem like an impatient person. Maybe that's the ADHD. Maybe you're just like me and want things in your own time. But what I can tell you is impulsiveness and impatience will destroy your DB efforts. So if you get nothing else out of this response please get this: this is a marathon, not a sprint. We've seen situations here that have lasted 2, 3, even 4 years or more. This goes back to what I said earlier: there are no quick fixes here. So learn to be patient.. Learn to control your impulses. Unfortunately, fixing your marriage is out of your control. So stop trying to control that and focus on controlling yourself.

Finally, keep posting. There are a lot of wise people here. Keep an open mind to their feedback and advice. We all want to help.