Ended up making my own plans and not attending NYE party. W went nuclear when I told her I wasn’t going, accusing me of dating a woman and asking who I had plans with. I didn’t share. I’m not sure the details and timing were ideal/perfectly on target but the decision seems directionally accurate to me. I felt good & at peace with the decision. I’m sure there will be fallout over the coming days. I tried to STFU as much as possible and leave the room during the inquisition(s) but she was stalking me several times. She’s more upset about this than anything I can remember in our marriage to date. I’m taking that behavior as somewhat positive that at least she still cares. Anyway, not putting much stock in this since it’s becoming clearer to me just how long the road would be for us if we did Reconxile. And that she’s not remorseful or even circumspect in the least. Either way, I feel my self respect growing and staying calm when she’s boiling over and accusing me of things. Also mentioned the phone and that didn’t ruffle many feathers.
Made a promise to myself to revisit the same grounds I went to tonight (caught fireworks, went to dinner, etc) next NYE to review how things changed in the coming year.
You absolutely nailed this interaction. Top marks!
As SteveLW says, she’s angry because she didn’t manage to control and manipulate you.
You MUST get comfortable with her being angry. You’re doing a 180 here (completely the opposite of what she’s used to), and so she’s going to act out. Many people arrive here, try 180’s, see their spouse getting angry and think it’s not working or that they need to be nice again to keep the peace. Don’t make that mistake, today was a great step forward. Learn to disassociate her behaviour and angry outbursts with whether your DBing is being successful.
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Yeah, you all have picked up on the controlling/manipulative part quite fast. In hindsight that existed before BD but has increased since. I’m certain my lack of boundaries contributed to that situation and the current situation. This is an area for my 180, which I have been thinking a lot about the last few days based on the feedback.
This is excellent. I’m excited that you’ve joined those dots and that you understand your lack of boundaries has partly led to this situation. A great reminder for every time you consider trying to nice her back to the marriage.
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OM lives 90 minutes away, is currently on parole for second felony, does not own a car nor have a valid driver license (due to parole). He cannot come visit W right now.
Wow, he sounds like an absolute winner 😂😂😂 These sorts of choices scream “midlife crisis”.
I’m impressed so far 7knots. You seem to be taking the advice well, joining the DB dots conceptually and applying it logically to your situation.
You may or may not reconcile, but it’s easy to see already that your DBing will be a raging success for you.
