7knots - feeling stuck

[DnJ]

Hello 7knots

Welcome to the boards.

I see you’ve read here for many months, read DR and other books as well. Good for you.

A caution. Keep DR and such close to your vest. Clear browser history on shared computers as well. As W will view such information and advice as an attempt to manipulate her.

How old are you and W? How long married? and together?

I agree with the advice from the other posters. There are lots of kind and compassionate folks here with much hard earned wisdom. And we’ve walked in your shoes. (((Hugs)))

I have been successful starting to run 2-3 times per week and go to dinner with a buddy once every ~3-4 weeks. I get “stuck” in the house because someone has to be home with D7. I made the most of it when I was at home by doing home improvement projects that boost my esteem a bit but they don’t get me interaction with other people. Does this count as GAL at all? Also had sleepovers for D7 and other outings like corn maze and trip to mall when wife was gone those weekends. Really struggling on this front—would appreciate any suggestions.

Absolutely!

Any activity, where you are living, not sitting and pinning for W, is excellent!

Home improvements, running, diner with a buddy, doing things with kids, all good.

Lots of folks think that GAL has to, or is better, when one is out and interacting with other people. Solo activities are still positive and very beneficial. Do a puzzle, go out for dinner to a fancy restaurant by yourself, walk, hike, dig a garden, shovel snow, read a book, watch a movie, make a man cave. You likely have some hobbies you put aside when you got married and had kids and family. Dust them off, pick them back up.

Of course, another benefit of GAL is pushing your comfort zone, and fostering different social interactions. Trying on different activities and seeing what fits. You might even find something new and really enjoyable. A cooking class, or stain glass class, or painting. Bowling league. Or golf, baseball, curling, etc. All likely better than hanging out with the barflys.

we went to lunch and on the way home she was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said she’s not happy with our situation. She said she keeps waiting for me to change and be more available and connected. The last couple weeks I was detaching and it started feeling like we were roommates to me so I assume she got a similar vibe. It seems like that’s what I’m supposed to do based on the guidance here. It certainly makes ME feel less volatile and more secure/stable. But she says she wants the opposite (more contact, fawning, etc) even now. Am I doing the right thing? Is she just trying to control me? What am I supposed to say/do when she directly asks for more but I’m throttling back?

She is embroiled in an affair. Treat her like a roommate. She needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship. She needs to feel that fear.

You don’t purposefully try to force her feel that way. Nor is that even “why” you detach and live your life. You do it for you. It also happens to give the best chance at saving your marriage.

W is angry at you. Blaming you. Mostly projections, narrative, justifying, rewritten history, and some valid things as well. Give her plenty of time and space. Let her burn through her feelings. What you want is for her to realize “hey, 7 hasn’t been bothering me much lately and I’m still unhappy”. Then, with some good fortune she might figure out that what’s wrong is on the inside and she’ll look within.

Time and space are your greatest allies in your cause. Allowing W to get through her feelings, basically you not reinforcing them, allows her to feel other things much more helpful to propelling your situation in a more positive direction. Feelings like regret, loss, shame, grief, sorrow, remorse, and so on. Time and space gives the opportunity for such to well up in her.

As you detach and find indifference, the roommate thing, keep your feet about you. Indifference is the absence of feelings towards W. Other feelings will seem larger against the void. Know that indifference does unwind and your feelings will return.

It is interesting that W is waiting for you to change. Oddly, there is some truth in that. She’s seen and felt your shift, and she’s not convinced your positive changes are permanent. A key thing for you, any changes you make, any growth, is for you. You do it because you want it, not as some attempt to woo her, or alter her path. That way those changes will be permanent.

W articulated that she’s not happy with the present situation. Realize that is the here and now. The you detaching, focusing on you, GAL, and such. She was quite ok with things when you were on the shelf, and she had a safety net. Let her feel the loss of that net.

Yes, you are on the right path.

Yes, W is attempting to control and manipulate you. Trying to get you back under her thumb.

What am I supposed to say/do when she directly asks for more but I’m throttling back?

Validate her emotions and go about your day. Be busy.

Note, that’s only validating her emotions, not condoning her behaviour, nor giving credence to any false assertions or accusations.

You’ve realized that snooping is not in your best interests. Well done putting a stop to that endeavour.

A word on the affair. Affairs are a symptom of a deeper problem within the cheater and the affair partner. It is a mere band-aid. A lousy attempt at trying to feel better. These illicit relationships are built upon a foundation of lies and deceit, much like building upon sand. Such an unstable foundation requires significant energies to maintain and does not well withstand life’s storms.

You are the husband. The prize. The strong and stable one. Realize your worth and never let anyone take that from you.

Grow and heal. Become 7knots2.0. Become the best version of you. A man only a fool would leave.

You’ve got a gift in all this. The gift of time. Use it wisely.

D