Maturin - My Story (2)

[Maturin]

Wow - I ask for a pep talk/guidance and you guys really deliver! Thank you so much.

One of the most challenging parts of this process for me is recognizing in the moment when we're going off track.

Agreed. I do notice I am getting better at this, and becoming more consistent. Baby steps.

D, your writing has given me a lot to think about.

Realize it’s won’t get past, not can’t. Won’t = within your control and influence. Can’t = beyond you.]

Roger that.

You’ve no need or reason to be embarrassed. You do not control W, nor are responsible for her actions or inactions. Just your’s.

I know this is true, but I also struggle with it. I am bothered by the idea that if I had been a "better man" (more assertive, stood up for boundaries, stood up for our marriage when she felt picked on) then the cycle of resentment > contempt > disrespect > affair could have been avoided. I work every day to not dwell in the past, but it's a slow process.

Have you forgiven the lying? The affair? Or are you waiting for something? What is it you feeling or think you are waiting for?

If I'm being honest, I have not actually forgiven any of it yet. Not the affair, not the lying, not the years of gaslighting. I'm still very angry about it on some days and at peace with it on other days (of course I do not show the anger to her, I scream in the car or hit the weights extra hard).

What am I waiting for? I am waiting for genuine remorse demonstrated through consistent behavior. I have seen the opposite. I know the remorse may never come, as evidenced by the way your XW has so shabbily treated you. And yet, you healed and I assume forgave. So how do I arrive at forgiveness even while the wayward behavior continues? I have resolved not to let her past, present, or future actions determine the course of my own life. But unless I forgive her, then I am actually allowing her past actions to influence me. I have to find the path that leads to genuine forgiveness for my own well being.

During this process I find myself gravitating towards two kinds of online writers: former WWs who have reconciled and can articulate the lifecycle of their betrayals with clarity, and LBHs who were able to move on and thrive without reconciliation. Each group provides me with optimism: on the one hand, I hope my W becomes a former WW who sees the damage she has done and does the work to reconcile. On the other hand, I know I can move beyond this immense pain and world-shattering upheaval and become like D and the countless other LBHs who have built their lives anew.

I shudder to think where I would be without this forum. Thanks for what you guys do, I will repay your generosity by listening to and acting on your advice. In a few hours my W and kids will be home; I'll greet them with open arms and be the same breezy, fun, confident guy I've been since reading about DR. Tomorrow I will load the kids up for a weekend away with just Dad. One day at a time.