Please someone Help !! Advice suggestions

[MiaRob]

Mia,

If your h starts relationship talks you can listen and if he is talking about the relationship in a negative way say "I'm sorry you feel that way) and then walk away or find something to do. One habit................................................................................................................................................moving forward. Trust me, we all have made many mistakes along the way and once you learn from them...you will discover that life gets a little easier.

Hang in there! Be kind to yourself, please do not beat yourself up...this is a work in progress, i.e., one step forward, two steps back.

thanks job,

yeah as i mentioned, i always look and dress nice, at least thats what I think.

about chores: we always divided chores. it was never the usual wife doing all the work. (that's why i dont think we are toxic, yeah we did establish toxic patterns that we were on the way to breaking before he called the quits)
honestly, since he bd, he has been doing his laundry, cooking his meals (sometimes he cooks for his kid) and cleaning etc.
HE basically (in a way) has taken away all the responsibilities from me, maybe he used to think it was a priviliged to do it for him who knows,,,
so in a way its good , but in another way, its not because i can't stop doing something like u said and he will notice.
and yeah i am unavailable most times, to him and kids often times now.
i get ready nicely too all the time.
may be R2C can give more on that??
next week, i have some volunteer work and some painting to do, and will learn how to skate pretty soon too. these are along with my job and workout routine.

[MrP]

Hi Mia. I'm glad to hear you're OK and seem to be making some steady progress. Since he has taken back some things you used to do for him, consider that "gift of time" that you can use for more self-care. I wonder if he'll have the stamina to keep doing all those things in the long run. I'd not be surprised if he comes back around and wants to turn those chores back over to you.

It is great to hear that you have so much going on like volunteering, painting, and skating. Keep doing things for YOU and your kids alone for now. We can get so hooked on doing things for our partners, family, friends, etc. that we neglect to do things that help us individually grow, feel happy, and enjoy life, with or without a dedicated partner. If you're not familiar with the idea of "self-soothing" I recommend learning more about it. The first time I DB'd, our MC pushed me to get better at finding ways to calm myself down without relying on my W. I've also found it to be a great skill to work with my daughter to learn. Keep us posted on your progress!

[DnJ]

Hello Mia

You’ve received some very good advice. And I see you are putting it into practice. Good job! Keep moving forward.

Don’t fret over the R-talk. You were sincere. H did start it, and you stated your position clearly. He now knows it for sure. Heck, H even commented directly about your position. So, going forward, less R-talks. As you well know.

Let H feel the loss of you. Let him feel the consequences of his decisions and actions. You focus on you and the kids.

also, whats up with his comment about , i am attractive but he doesnt have anything romantically .. etc? any clue?

H is confused. These folks ping pong about in their world view. And they talk, desperately talk themselves in and out of things.

H said you are attractive because you are. He then went to the nothing romantically, etc because that, his present feelings, clashed with his narrative and justifications.

H noticed you. And notices you. Even when you think he doesn’t. They keep an eye an us. Spying and checking. Pay it no mind. Live and love your life.

Learning to skate sounds like fun. Glad to see you have a busy itinerary. Painting, volunteering, lots going on. Keep it up.

D

[MiaRob]

I am curious, though,

I have read certain success stories, where success is either,
1. WAS coming back or
2. WAS leaving, and LBS is moving on permanently

So... I would like to know if any of the people here (since you have a lot more experience reading different posters and their stories), what do you think/guess about mine?
is it going in the right direction?
Let's suppose, my goal is to bring my husband back as I learn to regain my value too!

all the updates and little situations? is it going in the right direction or off the charts?
or is it still too early to distinguish?
I will keep posting any new updates as they come too.

thanks

[MiaRob]

I am horrible at remembering everyones details, so I focus one post, as if everyone reading can possibly apply it to their world.

what else needs to be done? or not done? any suggestions, changes advices?

Us men are simple creatures. I would focus on accentuating the sexual difference. Do things that allow him to feel his masculine engery. Dress nice, look nice, smell nice. Not really for him, but for you. You will feel good, and he will notice. Keep making positive changes to your behavior. Again, this is when you interact with everyone else (including him).

In each area of our lives, most of us have subconsious patterns of behavior. I learned to question everyone of mine and learn to behave at both extremes as well as places inbeteen as needed.

Example: Intoverts need to learn to be extroverted and extroverts need to learn intoverted behaviors.

Do you have any more or different suggestions about how to make him feel his masculine?

[Ready2Change]

I am curious, though, what do you think/guess about mine?

I am not really following the details of your sitch, but from all the threads I have read, the posters that quickly and truly stop putting up with BS from the spouse and focus on becoming completely happy and content by themselves appear to me to have the most success.

You know it is going in the right direction when your behavior is in alignment with your personal growth goals.

[Ready2Change]

Do you have any more or different suggestions about how to make him feel his masculine?

It is depicted in almost every romance movie and novel.

Who feels more masculine:

1) a guy driving his lady around.
2) A guy who's lady is driving him around.

I am sure you can come up with 100 different scenarios.

[DnJ]

Hello Mia

I am curious, though,

I have read certain success stories, where success is either,
1. WAS coming back or
2. WAS leaving, and LBS is moving on permanently

My definition of unsuccessful would be if the LBS pinned away and remained stuck and broken. Living their years in denial.

So... I would like to know if any of the people here (since you have a lot more experience reading different posters and their stories), what do you think/guess about mine?
is it going in the right direction?

Yes, I believe it is.

Let's suppose, my goal is to bring my husband back as I learn to regain my value too!

Regaining your value is a requisite. You are the most important person in this equation. Never let anyone take that away from you.

all the updates and little situations? is it going in the right direction or off the charts?

My W went right off the charts. Your H isn’t following that trajectory. Not yet anyhow.

or is it still too early to distinguish?

This is a marathon not a sprint. Distinguishing or prognosticating an outcome is impossible. There are far too many variables and unknowns. However, there is you. And you control you. And you are half of this situation. So, if you love, there is hope.

Hope, another thing to never let anyone take away from you.

I will keep posting any new updates as they come too.

thanks

Please do.

Ask questions. Vent. Or just tell us stuff. I know you don’t, maybe it’s getting to didn’t, want to talk about other stuff; however it’s a long road and I’ve found good information, helpful affirmation, etc lots of times comes from or is brought up through other stuff.

Hang in there Mia.

D