Maturin - My Story (2)

[DnJ]

Good Morning M

Earlier in the week I was having a beer at a friend's house when a friend of my W's ex-AP showed up. This friend was also a friend of mine and knew about the A long before I did which remains embarrassing for me: being the last to know about the PA is one of the aspects of this I can't get past. Based on this and some other comments this guy has made over the years, I've decided I don't want him in my life anymore.

A friend who knows about an affair and yet says and does nothing… hmmm.

“My friends don’t treat me that way.” A good mantra or life pratice I’ve found that statement to be. Also sets your bar in your own “being a friend” behaviour with openness/honesty/sincerity. Kind of like the golden rule in that respect.

…remains embarrassing for me: being the last to know about the PA is one of the aspects of this I can't get past.

Realize it’s won’t get past, not can’t. Won’t = within your control and influence. Can’t = beyond you.

In time you will let go the embarrassment. You will let go the shame of being cheated on. And such.

It’s pretty strange how us LBS feel all the shameful emotions and yet we are the ones getting cheated on. It’s part of that “won’t” vs “can’t” which one comes to.

And “won’t” allows and leads to - “will” and “do”. Therefore “can”.

So, you can get past it. Just a few items to let go of and some other items to embrace.

Ask your self what, specifically, is it that you can’t get past. Be very specific. I think you’ll find you start with what friend did and with further digging you’ll end up with how you feel, and then why you feel.

You’ve no need or reason to be embarrassed. You do not control W, nor are responsible for her actions or inactions. Just your’s.

The same with friend’s behaviour and his lack of being forthright with you.

If you want to get past it - forgive him. Forgive his behaviour. Find the way, find forgiveness. You still can hold him accountable for his behaviour. You’ll just have no “need” for some payment or retribution or whatever. It’s freeing when one writes paid in full upon the debt they are carrying.

Grudges are rather heavy and take quite a toll and significant energies to lug around. Once you find the way to put it down, and the peace and strength you find, you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

Of course, if you think you “can’t”, or tell yourself you “can’t”, you surely won’t.

And by the way, forgiving does not mean you and he are friends. Accountability is separate from forgiving. Forgiveness is for you. The person being forgiven doesn’t even have to know about it, and often doesn’t.

“I know who I want to hang out with, and I spend time with those people. He is not one of them.”

Good for you.

On another note: I have a sense that I am directionless and could use some guidance or maybe just a pep talk.

Perfectly normal. Indifference is a new experience. And, limbo takes some getting used to.

Are you truly directionless, or more feeling directionless?

I think you are experiencing indifference and how the void/numbness increases other feelings. You speak with conviction and clarity. You know how you want to be treated and how you treat others. You are following the path, and aspiring to be better. Doesn’t seem directionless when you step back and look.

I think you are looking for results. Understandable. And it’s good pratice to listen to life’s feedback. However, which are you listening to? Which are you focusing upon?

My thinking is this: W had an affair, lied to me for 3 years about it, continues to drink and party, and our MR contains no intimacy. I don't want that degree of chaos in my life, I don't want a sexless marriage, and I don't want a relationship devoid of connection. DB says do the opposite of what you've done and that's what I'm doing: even in declining invites I am cheerful, and I no longer have emotional outbursts when she goads me. The goal for me is to detach and no longer feel stuck in a codependent MR so I can decide what I want for me. If the DB process works for me then W will fully recognize the damage done by her behavior and see me as someone she doesn't want to lose. My concern is that I don't think she'll get to that point and that I am spinning my wheels. W is very stubborn and feels adamant that I am overreacting to the A, saying it was a one off, she hates the guy, it was a long time ago, etc. She only wants to talk about it when drunk.

Your goal is well stated. Basically to find you and decide your life. So, why do you feel it is spinning your wheels if W doesn’t find her life too? Uncouple that goal of your’s from W’s journey and/or her success or not. You will be successful regardless of her path/choices.

I guess what I'm saying is this: playing house with a dead MR feels like spinning my wheels and avoiding the hard conversation that needs to happen. I want to sit her down and say "It's been 3+ months since you've come clean and I haven't seen anything that suggests you fully understand the damage that's been done to the marriage. I'm ready to move on and it's time to talk about what that looks like." This is the opposite of the patience preached here, and the opposite of dropping the rope. Can someone whack me with a 2x4 and prevent me from doing more harm than good?

Three months is not very long. And I don’t see your marriage as totally dead. Sure it’s hurting and battered, yet W is still there and she still talks to you, albeit mostly when she’s drunk.

“I’m ready to move on…”. Is it move on or move forward? Be sure. Moving forward is usually the better option, less damages, more thoughtful action. And remember, doing nothing is still doing something.

Dig for patience. Dig deep! Answers, the ones that really matter, will reveal themselves when you are calm and at peace. You still have the gift of time, no need to rush anything.

Decisions made based upon emotions lead to regret. Take action (that can include being still or taking no action) based upon logic and reason. Better yet your deeply held convictions. That process of discovering and strengthening one’s values takes time. Give yourself that gift.

“It's been 3+ months since you've come clean and I haven't seen anything that suggests you fully understand the damage that's been done to the marriage.”

M, yes there is damage to the marriage. Lots of damages in lots of places. Let’s set the marriage aside for a minute while we talk here.

What is damaged within you? What is hurt within you? I know how deeply betrayal cuts. Right to the soul. Betrayal is the worst thing one can do to another person. It lingers and festers and poisons the soul.

Consider W. She did the deed. She actually betrayed. You, the marriage, the kids. Betrayed herself! Imagine how horrible, how inconsolable one would be, if/when they truly could/did/do see and understand the scope and fallout of their actions.

She only wants to talk about it when drunk.

Not all that surprising. She’s done something that is difficult to face.

An ultimatum is likely have negative consequences. W is just not yet ready to face this.

A while ago W did come clean. I know you’d like some more and better assurances, something more concrete and current. Yet, ask yourself, what would that be? Look deep. What could W do or say that would authentically and effectively make you trust and be better?

The truth is there is nothing immediate she can do. Consistent and demonstrated behaviour is about the only thing. However, your healing comes from within you. (I’ve got some experience in this. My XW is still running and has nothing to do with me and very little to do with the kids. If I chose to heal based upon her, I’d still be in bad shape.)

Yes, you have not seen anything from W to suggest she understands the damages done. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t know. She’s just not, or incapable of expressing it yet.

Her excessive drinking doesn’t help things. And that is compounding your situation.

I’d likely, instead of sitting her down and telling her, let her talk during one of those drunk times. Let her spill her feelings to you for a bit. Be a safe place for her to land. No pressure either. Demanding talks, or wanting her change, realize, and/or demonstrate remorse for what she’s done are incredible pressures. And likely come through in your behaviours. Let it go. Drop the rope. Expect nothing. Just seeing where she is, kind of.

With the ice somewhat broken after that, further conversations might be had with more sobriety and lucidity. Well hopefully.

Still, W needs to feel the loss. Keep moving forward, focusing on you and the kids.

Have you forgiven the lying? The affair? Or are you waiting for something? What is it you feeling or think you are waiting for?

We had previously agreed to table all divorce discussion until after the holidays. Now that they're ending I have some decisions to make about next steps.

Take all the time you need before making decisions. Utilize that gift.

D